a journey to familyhood

Posts tagged ‘tww’

One down, one to go

Little miss crazy face is halfway through her tww.
Do you have any symptoms?
“Well, I’m fucking bitchy! Does that count?!”
Ummm, no further questions, your honor.
Then she grabbed her boobs for a while. Nothing. Just the bitchy.
She’s been temping like a champ and it’s nicely above the cover line. I almost wish she wouldn’t do it though so that it wouldn’t be sad to see it fall.
It’s still so much less stressful to be on this side. Every one in a while I get flashes of oh my god what’s going on with her I have no control no intuition nothing aaaahhhhh, but I do the healthy thing and shove it down lol.
We’ve stopped telling my mom how it’s going so that if it does work we can tell her for Christmas.
I love my vessel and hope today’s surprise bitchiness goes away quickly and that in another week we have good news.

Relief!

We’re in the 2ww. My girlfriend is still amazing and wonderful. I kind of anticipated some sort of freak out, but she’s handling it really well. She’s my vessel. 🙂 that’s what she would call me, so now it’s what I call her. Get the laundry, vessel. Do this, vessel. You’re great, vessel.
When we were discussing switching from me to her our friend told her good job for womaning up and doing it. I really had to disagree with the way she presented her points. She implied that it was a no brainer to switch and if my gf didn’t want to, i know she would have been pissed. But seriously, it’s not that easy. It’s such a personal choice, if M didn’t want to, she would be under no obligation. It has nothing to do with being a woman or taking one for the team. And I honestly didn’t think she would do it. But I can soooooo appreciate her for it. We talked about how lucky we are that there are both of us to try. Not everyone has that opportunity. We are very very lucky.
I can’t remember the last I’ve/we’ve felt so close. It’s fun and new and there’s so much talking and sharing and laughing and there’s lots of sex. I’m for it. It’s like at the start of the relationship where you’re in the honeymoon period. Whatever it is, I’m for it.
I am feeling so much less pressure these days. I can have my period and Not have to take medication. No Clomid, no anxiety about when/if I’m going to ovulate. I don’t have to overanalyze every little thing. M keeps telling me that the whole world is not on my shoulders. And that’s a really hard thing to accept. But I’m really feeling some of that relief right now. It’s such a strange feeling, I don’t even know what to compare it to.
One thing i hadn’t realized is that M wants me to start trying asap after my appointment, even if she’s pregnant. I hadn’t considered such an overlap. At the end of hers, yes, but I just assumed it would be one of us or the other.
I love my vessel. I hope she gets pregnant. Like oooooooooomg I really hope. I hope she doesn’t come to regret her decision. I hope she grows me a fat awkward little baby. I don’t even have the words, I’m so excited, and I’m so relieved to have a break from all of the pressure.
We bought approx 9 million pregnancy tests so that she can test out and it really amazes and excites me that we actually have a shot at a positive!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂

Monday Musings/12 dpo

Question! TWW and Sex? It didn’t really occur to me that it would matter, but does it? Like has my zygote trying to get in there and I’m, like, shaking it back out again?! Anyone?

I hate everyone today. Cat that wouldn’t shut up? Hate him. Fiancee late coming home late from work? Hate her. Coworkers? Hate. Clients? Hate.

Yesterday I was starving all day. STARVING! Like we would eat and my stomach would be actively growling during a meal. All day! Today I’m so full. I can barely eat at all.

Also there was tuna salad, egg salad and a shrimp dip at lunch! Any one of those things smell funky on their own, but all together? Vom

I’m waiting for my period. I’m crampy in a different way than the other day. And I have a stomach ache, which usually accompanies my period. I just have this weird fullness/pressure about me.

My poor princess broke her baby toe yesterday. I saw and heard her kick the coffee table. Then she threw things at me for staring at her with my mouth “agape”. It’s so ugly and black and on the same leg as her jankle so she has quite the hobble. Poor thing.

After two and a half years we finally finished painting our hallway and bathroom. It’s so great.

I finished reading Invisible Monsters this am. I really really liked it. Now I’m going to read The Catcher in the Rye.

I started calling my imaginary baby by his name the other day to try and convince him to exist and sick around.

My biggest annoyance is that my boobs don’t feel like anything. Which wouldn’t matter anyway bc I’d just wonder if it was a symptom or just pre menstrual. But for some reason I keep coming back to that, why don’t they hurt?

Ugh. Just ugh.

Imaginary Pregnancy Symptoms

For the last week I have head headaches or migraines, pretty much unceasing. Today I woke myself up crying at 4 am bc I was in so much pain. And when it gets to this point I have yet to meet a painkiller that will touch it. I have extra hours this week so I plan on going for a half day. I also found that I feel so much better upright. So if I have to be standing I might as well be making money and not using sick time.
So far today I woke up crying, cried in the shower, and cried brushing my hair. And the day is still so young!
Anyway, back to the symptoms that I’m making up. It’s annoying, knowing that anything I’m feeling can be related to more than one thing. But since it’s the (almost) One Week Wait, I want everything to be a pregnancy symptom.
We’ve established that my pain threshold is being seriously tested.
I’m also having trouble regulating my body temperature. One minute I’m freezing the next I’m sweating. I’m sure it’s a real treat to sleep next to!( well, I know it’s not due to the amount I get yelled at in her sleep)
Along with that is the ever popular I can’t fucking sleep at night and it’s reeeeally getting old! I’m awake for hours after we go to bed, when I fall asleep it’s fitful and crazy dream laden and then I wake up every few hours. I used to love sleeping. Just the feeling of sinking into bed and being cozy and happy and knowing you’re going to refreshed, now it’s something I dread.
Taylor Swift made me cry the other day. I do not, nor have I ever cared about Taylor Swift. I cannot name a single song of hers. But the music video for her new song came on the other day and I cried and decided Taylor Swift and I should be bffs.
I also cried Sunday at every Mighty Ducks movie.
I want to yell at my fiance pretty often. For no reason, I just get so irritated when she talks!
It was crazy to feel myself ovulate, I’m pretty sure I’ve felt it before but this time was different. And I’ve felt phantom uterus twinges.
I feel like I have mono, or when you’re really sick and are tired to your bones.
Some days I feel nothing (other than head pain) and I’m like meh, no big deal, there’s always next cycle. Other days I’m so so sure it worked.
Whatever is going on I need it to level off. If it’s hormones or I really am sick or it’s from the stupid trigger shot I just need it too pass I can’t handle this pain. If it really is early pregnancy signs then yay but I hope it’s not like this for long. I spend a lot of time googling everything bc I have no self control. The first week wasn’t so bad, hopefully my head stops hurting in the second week.

Two Week Wait

Well, it’s finally here. And totally surreal. I feel…either extremely excited or absolutely nothing. I wonder how that will change over the next few weeks.
My plan was to not do anything. Not temp not test not overanalyze (ha!) Just sit quietly and wait for whatever will happen.
My love said “no you should still temp, I’ll look at it you don’t even have to” and that was all it took for me to keep temping.
It’s just an odd feeling, I knew I wouldn’t physically feel different, but I feel like I should be feeling something. The tests the pills the injections (the reaction to the obviously Latex bandaids in my backside, bitch nurse) it’s all very concrete. But now I’m all spermed up and the rest may as well be magic or the tooth fairy or something. Suddenly I game a feeling I’m going to hate this lol, I want to be physically doing something and able to feel that it’s working. But I’ve done everything I can and now I just get to wait!
I have walks to take, two short stories to rewrite and finish, nagging lists of chores to make my love of things we need done before our maybebaby arrives, dishes to wash, work to go to, family and friends to visit, Netflix to watch, photo editing to do for my mom, Christmas shopping to start, crafts to make.
What I’ll probably do? Lay here and wonder, , am I pregnant now? Am I pregnant now? Did you feel that? I’m totally pregnant, right? Am I pregnant? Am I pregnant now?
Last night we talked about the names we have picked out, three boys and three girls, we know the order we plan to use them, we both agreed to names we didn’t want in order keep ones we loved, it was nice to put that out there, let the sperm know what it was swimming for. Then my love went real low to my uterus region and she was bring all sweet and then she aggressively whispered “now swim you sons of bitches!”
My fiancee everyone, creator of moments lol.
Am I pregnant now?

Wednesday. Or, I’m losing my mind

I seriously canNOT do this. I’m losing my mind I’m nit in control of my emotions I’m stress eating everything that is in this house.
Today is our day off together so that’s a yay. We’re having a Grey’s marathon bc we’re sooo behind. Did some house cleaning. Now my house smells AMAZING bc my pretty princess is making oatmeal raisin cookies. Bc she’s amazing.
And in the mean time…I’M FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!!!!
I think she told me she’s 10 DPO. So even though I know better and have been resisting, I’ve been online looking at everything I can find.
(Short break bc Grey’s Anatomy is making her cry)
That right there.
-Crying
-Sore boobs
-Headaches
-Backaches
-Cramping
-Really freaking crazy sometimes
-Smelling things that I can’t smell
-Dreaming when she wasn’t before
-I can’t remember any more
Seriously everything that she has done or said today I’ve been like HMMMMMMMMMMM! Isn’t that curious!
And it’s bullshit bc everything is either am early pregnancy sign or a pms sign and we’re not going to know until we know and it’s never going to come soon enough and its going to be horrible.
I can’t wait. I seriously can’t. But I will but this is horrible bc I’m going to spend the next two days trying to make her pregnant with my thoughts and I can’t breathe and how do people do this?!
How are we going to do this Every Month. Every time I look at her I KNOW that she it’s pregnant and that I’m going to be happy forever and we’re going to be happy forever.
And then I look at her and I know she’s not pregnant and I’m heartbroken.
I don’t know what to do or think or say or do or think or Anything!
Loooooooosing my MIND!!

waiting

Well, it’s Tuesday. Yesterday was a rainy and wonderful and today is sunny and wonderful. That’s spring for you. I wouldn’t be surprised if it started snowing lol. I’m just not excited for the headache that i know i’m going to have today. I only started having seasonal allergies a couple years ago. Except for lilacs, i’ve always been allergic to lilacs. Of course there’s a nice big lilac bush right outside the door at my work. and the always open kitchen window. And allergy headaches don’t play nicely with migraines. Nothing plays nicely in my head, everything will trigger a migraine. Weather, food, doing too much, not doing enough.I hope i don’t get a migraine! i want to enjoy this beautiful day.

My love has been having headaches too. She’s 8/9 DPO. Headaches, Lower back ache, sore boobs, I don’t know what any of that means. I’m going to try very hard to not look anything up, to not think about any of it. But every time she says anything i think OOOH!!!! And then i wonder if it’s just wishful thinking. Her temp had a dip today. Which could just be a dip, or could be an implantation dip, or could be that i mentioned it to her and then her body reacted.

In like 3.5 days we’ll test. and it will either be positive or it won’t. and then over the weekend she should get her period. so even if we get a negative if she doesn’t get her period there’s still hope. And even though we’re still days from testing I’m already trying to rationalize the results.

I still don’t know if I ovulated. It’s annoying. Really really stupid annoying. Like really fucking pissing me off. Fertility Friend started me off a nice path of Oh this is going to be really easy…nice steady temps then a clear rise at ovulation and then back down for my monthly. Now my temp is bouncing all over the place, I don’t know why, I don’t sleep well, maybe that’s it. I have to disregard many of my temps because i get up too early, I fall asleep and sleep to late, I don’t get 4 hours of sleep in a row. And then the stupid opks…ugh! i can’t get a positive. I don’t want to test at work, so it’s hard to have enough time in the morning and now I’ve given up on testing at night because i fee like i’ve missed and i don’t want to waste all my tests. I should probably go online and buy a bunch of cheap tests. If I can’t get a handle of my ovulation after next month I’m going to start taking Vitex. I’m worried it will give me migraines though.

We both plan to carry. I’m older, but she happened to ovulate properly this time. I don’t care who goes when, i just hope that at some point it works out for both of us to be pregnant. I don’t know how we’re going to feel after this weekend. If she’ll want to try again right away or want/need to wait (or for how long), or if my body will wake up and i’ll be ready to try soon.

Three more days