Rayne is 2 weeks old!! It’s the most surreal thing to look at her and while it’s only been 2 weeks i feel like I’ve known her face my entire life.
She’s so much more alert every day, staying awake longer, looking around. I love it when she makes eye contact! Part of it is unsettling, like she’s looking at my soul lol but mostly it’s good!
She’s loves her mama’s and her mama roo and being naked and her puppy. She still has her fussy days, which are more hungry/hangry days, every couple of days. But we get through.
I go back 2 days of work next week. That’s 23 hours. It’s already killing me. I just want to be with my wife and little girl.
The 15th is the anniversary of my dad’s death. 10 years. He was killed in a car accident.
We did not have a good relationship. I hated him until the day he died. That’s a horrible thing to say. But I’m sure it was mutual.
But I’ve been trying so hard to be a smidge less bitter and resentful. I don’t want to carry that hate with me.
It’s hard trying to have a relationship with his side of the family. His mother was not a fan of me and that was mutual as well. A lot of traumatic things happened as a result of the 2 of them. And i just want to not to think about it. But i guess i don’t k ow how to put it behind me without it feeling like I’m invalidating what happened.
I can say, with absolute 100% certainty that if my dad were still alive, he would not know my daughter. I would not feel bad about it. But in an effort to be the bigger person, i did take her to meet his parents. It was so awkward and thank god my aunt was there to be a buffer. I don’t know that it’ll happen again, but at least i can know that i tried.
That is the extreme condensed version of 30 years of emotions and bullshit. And for 1 day i let myself dwell and cried over all those years of pain and bitterness and frustration that nothing was ever resolved. That we didn’t have a good relationship. That he got to die and take the easy way out. That i still hate him. That my heart breaks for my brothers who did get along with him to be suffering the loss. That the only person i hurt with all of these feelings is myself so i just need to get over it and let it go.
So I’m glad that today is over and i can shove it all back down for another year and try to be a less shitty parent to this little girl.