a journey to familyhood

Posts tagged ‘two moms’

One year later

Well it’s been a year of using a known donor. With no luck. We didn’t go every month. But I didn’t realize it had been a year.

Some months didn’t feel quite right and it wasn’t surprising that it didn’t work.

Other months everything was perfect and it was going to work this time for sure. Except it didn’t.

Idk what to do. Except keep trying i guess. My wife still has to shoulder the responsibility. I feel bad that I can’t help. If money were no option I would go all in and help share some of the stress and body hijaking.

Maybe someday.

Rayne is a perfect 2.5. This week she decided to potty train. It’s been really good. She keeps saying “you’re so proud of me!” And she’s right!

She loves princesses and fire trucks and talking non stop.

I’m so obsessed with her. Sometimes I wonder if we should just stop with her. But I’m not ready for that conversation yet.

2 weeks/10 years

Rayne is 2 weeks old!! It’s the most surreal thing to look at her and while it’s only been 2 weeks i feel like I’ve known her face my entire life.

She’s so much more alert every day, staying awake longer, looking around. I love it when she makes eye contact! Part of it is unsettling,  like she’s looking at my soul lol but mostly it’s good!

She’s loves her mama’s and her mama roo and being naked and her puppy. She still has her fussy days, which are more hungry/hangry days, every couple of days. But we get through.

I go back 2 days of work next week. That’s 23 hours. It’s already killing me. I just want to be with my wife and little girl.

The 15th is the anniversary of my dad’s death.  10 years. He was killed in a car accident. 

We did not have a good relationship. I hated him until the day he died. That’s a horrible thing to say. But I’m sure it was mutual.

But I’ve been trying so hard to be a smidge less bitter and resentful. I don’t want to carry that hate with me.

It’s hard trying to have a relationship with his side of the family. His mother was not a fan of me and that was mutual as well. A lot of traumatic things happened as a result of the 2 of them. And i just want to not to think about it. But i guess i don’t k ow how to put it behind me without it feeling like I’m invalidating what happened.

I can say, with absolute 100% certainty that if my dad were still alive, he would not know my daughter. I would not feel bad about it. But in an effort to be the bigger person,  i did take her to meet his parents. It was so awkward and thank god my aunt was there to be a buffer. I don’t know that it’ll happen again, but at least i can know that i tried.

That is the extreme condensed version of 30 years of emotions and bullshit. And for 1 day i let myself dwell and cried over all those years of pain and bitterness and frustration that nothing was ever resolved. That we didn’t have a good relationship. That he got to die and take the easy way out. That i still hate him.  That my heart breaks for my brothers who did get along with him to be suffering the loss. That the only person i hurt with all of these feelings is myself so i just need to get over it and let it go.

So I’m glad that today is over and i can shove it all back down for another year and try to be a less shitty parent to this little girl. 

30 Weeks & Baby Shower

  • Our shower this weekend was lovely! I was so happy that the weather held out and was warm and sunny!!
  • We didnt get the bathroom finished by the shower, but it’s getting close
  • My aunt and cousin made the elephant cake and my lovely bestie set up a headband station (she better like headbands, we have 1000 of them!)
  • I forgot to take a picture of all the books! We had a raffle for either coffee products or hair products and it was a success, baby got a lot of books with loving comments in them
  • We got bins, washed all of her clothes, organized them by size and put them all away!
  • We also stuffed all of our pocket diapers
  • My wife claims the crib needs 1 more coat of paint so she plans on doing that in the next day or so
  • Once the crib and changing table are dry we can fill it with diapers and finish setting up her room!!
  • For the 1st while she’ll be in our room of course, in a bassinet by the bed, and we have a changing pad
  • But her crib and dresser and such will still be in her room, for whenever we decide we’re/she’s ready. There’s plenty of room in our room, but still…im all for keeping the rooms seperate, even though i acknowledge that she doesnt need her own room atm
  • Im finally feeling a sense of relief over the amount of prep we’ve done today. Im one to nest, absolutely. My wife is less so. Shes also full of baby. I feel like i need this perhaps a little more than she does to feel more connected
  • We’ve done all the “things”…gender reveal party, baby shower. Oh yeah, we have to spend a whole saturday taking baby clases and finalizing our birthing plan.
  • Other than that, now we just…wait. all we need now is HER!!