a journey to familyhood

Posts tagged ‘ttc’

One year later

Well it’s been a year of using a known donor. With no luck. We didn’t go every month. But I didn’t realize it had been a year.

Some months didn’t feel quite right and it wasn’t surprising that it didn’t work.

Other months everything was perfect and it was going to work this time for sure. Except it didn’t.

Idk what to do. Except keep trying i guess. My wife still has to shoulder the responsibility. I feel bad that I can’t help. If money were no option I would go all in and help share some of the stress and body hijaking.

Maybe someday.

Rayne is a perfect 2.5. This week she decided to potty train. It’s been really good. She keeps saying “you’re so proud of me!” And she’s right!

She loves princesses and fire trucks and talking non stop.

I’m so obsessed with her. Sometimes I wonder if we should just stop with her. But I’m not ready for that conversation yet.


Well, it’s about three hours to progesterone time.
I am less than excited.
I don’t really remember the last time I took it, but I know it was HORRIBLE. horrible horrible horrible.
This stuff is allegedly nicer than the stuff I was on before. I don’t know what it’s called or the dosage, but I hope she’s right and it’s nicer.
And that I’m nicer! I remember it making me mean! And anxious. And depressed. And edgy. And just ugh.
So. Here’s the deal.
I fucking love my beautiful, amazing fiancee. Not just regular love. Fucking love.
She is so pretty. And smart. And creative. And she does the laundry. And she makes me laugh. And she works hard. And she lets me watch Forensic Files even when I know she wants to watch Gilmore Girls. Aaaand she’s warm. And she’s a little crazy. And she gets me a shamrock shake when I cry all day (which I did yesterday all day for no reason).
I’m probably going to be a jerk to her. She’s already said “I don’t like when you’re on that, it makes you mean. It makes you like me!” So I’m going to try very hard to be nice to her! Bc I fucking love her.
Yesterday she was not very happy with me. Bc I could not stop crying. But then she apologized for being a jerk and got me the aforementioned Shamrock Shake. Today I feel sucky. I woke up feeling not rested, and have been having trouble concentrating all day. Probably bc it’s Monday and I have to pay attention to things again and it’s hard. I’m also anxious and agitated. This morning was terrible, I just kept reminding myself all day that everything is fine and I’m feeling a bit better now.
It would be nicer going into Progesterone hell feeling better, but hey, maybe this way it won’t feel as drastically horrible!
I’ve decided not to get weighed in this week. I’m just not in the right mind frame. Hopefully we’ll go to the gym in the morning though!
Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh I don’t want to do thiiiiisssssss

Monday Musings/12 dpo

Question! TWW and Sex? It didn’t really occur to me that it would matter, but does it? Like has my zygote trying to get in there and I’m, like, shaking it back out again?! Anyone?

I hate everyone today. Cat that wouldn’t shut up? Hate him. Fiancee late coming home late from work? Hate her. Coworkers? Hate. Clients? Hate.

Yesterday I was starving all day. STARVING! Like we would eat and my stomach would be actively growling during a meal. All day! Today I’m so full. I can barely eat at all.

Also there was tuna salad, egg salad and a shrimp dip at lunch! Any one of those things smell funky on their own, but all together? Vom

I’m waiting for my period. I’m crampy in a different way than the other day. And I have a stomach ache, which usually accompanies my period. I just have this weird fullness/pressure about me.

My poor princess broke her baby toe yesterday. I saw and heard her kick the coffee table. Then she threw things at me for staring at her with my mouth “agape”. It’s so ugly and black and on the same leg as her jankle so she has quite the hobble. Poor thing.

After two and a half years we finally finished painting our hallway and bathroom. It’s so great.

I finished reading Invisible Monsters this am. I really really liked it. Now I’m going to read The Catcher in the Rye.

I started calling my imaginary baby by his name the other day to try and convince him to exist and sick around.

My biggest annoyance is that my boobs don’t feel like anything. Which wouldn’t matter anyway bc I’d just wonder if it was a symptom or just pre menstrual. But for some reason I keep coming back to that, why don’t they hurt?

Ugh. Just ugh.


My appointment is in the morning. I’m so anxious. I’m also tired but idk how I’m going to sleep tonight.  I just want it to be over.
Also temping was ridiculous this am lol first I fell asleep with my thermometer in my mouth. Then I dreamt I had temped and I woke up frustrated that I couldn’t remember what it was. Then since I was still mostly asleep I couldn’t figure out how to work the thermometer! Eventually I got it but i was still all out of it I kept repeating my temp in my head all morning. 97.5 97.5 97.5 long after I put it in to fertility friend I would panic, what was it?! 97.5 or was that my dream temp?! Oh yeah it doesn’t matter anymore.
My princess is trying to convince me to play a family guy game on my phone. No. Just no.

How to tell your girlfriend is trying to kill you, also, hey look! it’s add

oh my goodness i don’t know if i can do this right now! but i’ve trying all day so i’m gonna give it a shot! i am so incredibly distractable today.

okay, my princess is (probably) not really trying to kill me. I will, however, point out three points that cause suspicion.

1) she’s adorable and bought a watermelon. (yeah, that’s right, everything this bitch does is adorable! so shut up) anyway, she also got limes. I. Hate. Limes. apparently she is not aware of this. IT’S LIKE SHE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW ME! so she cut up the whole thing into adorable little sticks (i can’t think of the real name for the shape. rectangle?) and she put it into tupperware with wedges of lime. saddest day ever. i ate a few pieces, but ugh. it was horrible. it was all tainted by lime.

TMI TWO) i jokingly flashed her the other day while she was preparing a grocery list. she looks up with the store flyer in her hands and those big pretty eyes all wide with excitement, “But, baby, look! berries are on sale!!”

c) Hazelnut Coffee Creamer. Do i have to say more!? I’m not so sure it was an accident, but it might as well have been LIME! I don’t think she should be in charge of shopping any more!

All day I’ve been all over the fucking map, my mind is just racing!! And i would love to go make a pot of coffee and be able to focus on anything for more than a few minutes, but again, hazelnut coffee creamer. Unlike a regular person (or a “normy” as we say in the shiny object club) (we don’t really say that) (there is no club) (what) Oh yeah, caffeine is obviously a stimulant, but for cool people like myself, it does the opposite, helps to slow down and focus.

So today i’ve been aaaallll over the internet, playing the drums (i’ve been playing for about 4 days and i’m totally a rock goddess), stacking up books i can’t bring myself to read, yelling at the cat, shuffleing cards. oh do i love to shuffle cards. it’s repetative and soothing and keeps my hands busy so i can also use my brain. image

i did some laundry. it took me almost an hour to order jimmy john’s. i was so hungry but i couldn’t cook and i was too distracted to order. lucky it was freaky fast i could have died! actually, i honestly had forgotten about the order by the time they got here lol! oh my god, i can’t do this i need to go make coffee (with haaaaazelnut). i would walk to the gas station for a soda, but all of my bras are on the drying rack so i’m trapped lol

um, usually i’m on phone so it’s more annoying, but today i was on my tablet so i got to peruse lesbian ttc on wordpress for a long time. it was fun to stalk people. we get up at 7 but today i was rudely awakened by nicki minaj and her bass, which i hear is supa. i haven’t a clue why it was her alarm today but it certainly didn’t wake her up! just me! and then i couldn’t sleep in any longer, i wanted to snuggle with her forever so i couldn’t get up for the day! i stayed til 830 when she woke up…all on her own….without my help. i must have been up a million times though, pee, feed the cats, make coffee, but she stayed sleeping with the adorable sleepy squishy face!! side note, her face itself is not squishy, i just like to squish it!! so i looked at postsecret and wordpress archives. good times. i judge people by their themes.

one of my neighbors is grilling. it smells amazing!! also my adorable squishy bear asked me how to cook ham. she’s been a vegetarian forever, she never had to cook meat. and apparently doesn’t know how to use this whole internet contraption. but at work she has to, so i told her how to cook it 🙂 i didn’t even have to look it up! i also don’t eat meat, but i do like to cook. i don’t know how to make stuff out of boxes, like hamburger helper, it’s too hard to follow the instructions, but i like to make stuff from scratch and i totally get off on people saying “oh, that’s so good and you can’t even taste it?!”

 aww, now i’m hungry again. but i have some horrible hazelnut coffee to hold me over….;-P

wednesday at 9am is my appointment. that reminds me, not that i don’t trust my loves opinion, but i meant to look up reviews on this doctor. lol i googled her and it came up with “Trevor” hmmm, that’s an odd name for a bitch. wrong clinic, she’s a “Michelle”. well, she has great ratings and is apparently a delight. i honestly don’t care at the moment. i’m too freaking out. my love is coming with to do all of the talking and question asking. hopefully it will go okay and i won’t be too anxious going forward and we’ll all have a good relationship that results in piles of hippie babies.

also i don’t want to give birth at a hospital. not that that’s anywhere on the radar right now, just a thought. if i have to, i have to, i’d just rather not.

i also don’t even want to go. i don’t want to hear what this Michelle has to say. i’ve just now decided i hate her. she doesn’t want me to have babies. bitch. she’s gonna tell me it’s never going to happen. i’m not crazy at all.

also in the last six month i’ve lost 20 pounds. my not-squishy bear has lost 40. omg she’s so amazing. one of my biggest fears is that the dr will tell me i need to lose more weight to be an appropriate host. if i could, i fucking would. we’ve both been using Lose-It for calorie counting. my bear is also about 9 feet taller than me and we’re built entirely differently, but i still hate her face for losing so much more than me. also it is an extremely unhealthy road for me to go down. the more she mentions the stupid app or amount of calories in EVERYTHING the more it causes me to obsess well beyond what i should.

okay, that’s just stressing me out. now i can’t focus again. my mom and i decided have my love is a gang-member. i don’t remember why, some sort of auto-correct situation. now i’m watching Big Bang Theory “hold on, i believe ‘screw it i’m going in’ is what i said to your mother last night” hahahaha

oh yeah, i was going to try and find Lord of the Flies online. i just read it, it was delightful. my love tells me that’s a middle school book?! at my high school in freshmen/sophomore year they read it in english b. i was in english a. because i’m a secret genius. or at least that’s what i tell people. anyway, i was so excited about one day sharing books i’ve read and loved with my kids 🙂

also, woah, this coffee is kicking in


Also I made my love the blue cup for Christmas and the other one is my favorite cup, not necessarily to look at but to use

Cd whaaaaaaaat

I’m having some spotting today. It’s only cd 20! Why the eff would I go from mid thirties and mid forties to 20! Jerk face body. A very few times I’ve spotted at Ovulation but I haven’t been temping or doing opks so who knows what’s going on. I haven’t had an any pms symptoms my boobs don’t hurt I suppose tomorrow will tell. Sucky suckness  I’m getting up early to drive 5 hours to Minnesota and be there for 4 days. It would just be lame to be away from home with my monthly. Although maybe a 20 day cycle is better than a 45 day cycle? Nope, probably doesn’t matter bc the next cycle will be a mystery again. But hey, it’s all sort of data for the dr on the 23rd! In related news…please don’t be my period please don’t be my period please don’t be my period!

Oregon shmoregon MN and new doc

And a partridge in a pear tree. First, my princess is going to Oregon next week, only for a few days, but I’m going to miss her! She’s working 36 hours Friday and sat then home for a half a minute than 14 hours Sunday and then Monday she leaves for Oregon! I know someone who won’t be sleeping next week! But it’s okay, she’s going to see her dad and the house he’s refinishing for us and they’re going to have the house re mortgaged in her name. So that’s a big deal!
Then she and her dad are driving from Oregon to St Paul and I’ll meet them there Saturday to see her family, sisters  and lots of nieces and nephews. It will probably make for a long and stressful and exciting and over due visit.
Idk why my love is being such a grumpy gills lately, but hopefully it’s just stress over all the impending long work days and traveling and she starts to feel better soon!
She was wonderful enough to call a new obgyn for me though and set up an appointment for July….23Rd or something, whatever is that Wednesday. So that’s terrifying!!
I’m trying to focus more on the excitement and how great things can be rather than on how anxious it makes me.