a journey to familyhood

Posts tagged ‘maybe gaybe’

Two Week Wait

Well, it’s finally here. And totally surreal. I feel…either extremely excited or absolutely nothing. I wonder how that will change over the next few weeks.
My plan was to not do anything. Not temp not test not overanalyze (ha!) Just sit quietly and wait for whatever will happen.
My love said “no you should still temp, I’ll look at it you don’t even have to” and that was all it took for me to keep temping.
It’s just an odd feeling, I knew I wouldn’t physically feel different, but I feel like I should be feeling something. The tests the pills the injections (the reaction to the obviously Latex bandaids in my backside, bitch nurse) it’s all very concrete. But now I’m all spermed up and the rest may as well be magic or the tooth fairy or something. Suddenly I game a feeling I’m going to hate this lol, I want to be physically doing something and able to feel that it’s working. But I’ve done everything I can and now I just get to wait!
I have walks to take, two short stories to rewrite and finish, nagging lists of chores to make my love of things we need done before our maybebaby arrives, dishes to wash, work to go to, family and friends to visit, Netflix to watch, photo editing to do for my mom, Christmas shopping to start, crafts to make.
What I’ll probably do? Lay here and wonder, , am I pregnant now? Am I pregnant now? Did you feel that? I’m totally pregnant, right? Am I pregnant? Am I pregnant now?
Last night we talked about the names we have picked out, three boys and three girls, we know the order we plan to use them, we both agreed to names we didn’t want in order keep ones we loved, it was nice to put that out there, let the sperm know what it was swimming for. Then my love went real low to my uterus region and she was bring all sweet and then she aggressively whispered “now swim you sons of bitches!”
My fiancee everyone, creator of moments lol.
Am I pregnant now?

Wednesday. Or, I’m losing my mind

I seriously canNOT do this. I’m losing my mind I’m nit in control of my emotions I’m stress eating everything that is in this house.
Today is our day off together so that’s a yay. We’re having a Grey’s marathon bc we’re sooo behind. Did some house cleaning. Now my house smells AMAZING bc my pretty princess is making oatmeal raisin cookies. Bc she’s amazing.
And in the mean time…I’M FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!!!!
I think she told me she’s 10 DPO. So even though I know better and have been resisting, I’ve been online looking at everything I can find.
(Short break bc Grey’s Anatomy is making her cry)
That right there.
-Crying
-Sore boobs
-Headaches
-Backaches
-Cramping
-Really freaking crazy sometimes
-Smelling things that I can’t smell
-Dreaming when she wasn’t before
-I can’t remember any more
Seriously everything that she has done or said today I’ve been like HMMMMMMMMMMM! Isn’t that curious!
And it’s bullshit bc everything is either am early pregnancy sign or a pms sign and we’re not going to know until we know and it’s never going to come soon enough and its going to be horrible.
I can’t wait. I seriously can’t. But I will but this is horrible bc I’m going to spend the next two days trying to make her pregnant with my thoughts and I can’t breathe and how do people do this?!
How are we going to do this Every Month. Every time I look at her I KNOW that she it’s pregnant and that I’m going to be happy forever and we’re going to be happy forever.
And then I look at her and I know she’s not pregnant and I’m heartbroken.
I don’t know what to do or think or say or do or think or Anything!
Loooooooosing my MIND!!

waiting

Well, it’s Tuesday. Yesterday was a rainy and wonderful and today is sunny and wonderful. That’s spring for you. I wouldn’t be surprised if it started snowing lol. I’m just not excited for the headache that i know i’m going to have today. I only started having seasonal allergies a couple years ago. Except for lilacs, i’ve always been allergic to lilacs. Of course there’s a nice big lilac bush right outside the door at my work. and the always open kitchen window. And allergy headaches don’t play nicely with migraines. Nothing plays nicely in my head, everything will trigger a migraine. Weather, food, doing too much, not doing enough.I hope i don’t get a migraine! i want to enjoy this beautiful day.

My love has been having headaches too. She’s 8/9 DPO. Headaches, Lower back ache, sore boobs, I don’t know what any of that means. I’m going to try very hard to not look anything up, to not think about any of it. But every time she says anything i think OOOH!!!! And then i wonder if it’s just wishful thinking. Her temp had a dip today. Which could just be a dip, or could be an implantation dip, or could be that i mentioned it to her and then her body reacted.

In like 3.5 days we’ll test. and it will either be positive or it won’t. and then over the weekend she should get her period. so even if we get a negative if she doesn’t get her period there’s still hope. And even though we’re still days from testing I’m already trying to rationalize the results.

I still don’t know if I ovulated. It’s annoying. Really really stupid annoying. Like really fucking pissing me off. Fertility Friend started me off a nice path of Oh this is going to be really easy…nice steady temps then a clear rise at ovulation and then back down for my monthly. Now my temp is bouncing all over the place, I don’t know why, I don’t sleep well, maybe that’s it. I have to disregard many of my temps because i get up too early, I fall asleep and sleep to late, I don’t get 4 hours of sleep in a row. And then the stupid opks…ugh! i can’t get a positive. I don’t want to test at work, so it’s hard to have enough time in the morning and now I’ve given up on testing at night because i fee like i’ve missed and i don’t want to waste all my tests. I should probably go online and buy a bunch of cheap tests. If I can’t get a handle of my ovulation after next month I’m going to start taking Vitex. I’m worried it will give me migraines though.

We both plan to carry. I’m older, but she happened to ovulate properly this time. I don’t care who goes when, i just hope that at some point it works out for both of us to be pregnant. I don’t know how we’re going to feel after this weekend. If she’ll want to try again right away or want/need to wait (or for how long), or if my body will wake up and i’ll be ready to try soon.

Three more days