Well it’s been a year of using a known donor. With no luck. We didn’t go every month. But I didn’t realize it had been a year.
Some months didn’t feel quite right and it wasn’t surprising that it didn’t work.
Other months everything was perfect and it was going to work this time for sure. Except it didn’t.
Idk what to do. Except keep trying i guess. My wife still has to shoulder the responsibility. I feel bad that I can’t help. If money were no option I would go all in and help share some of the stress and body hijaking.
Rayne is a perfect 2.5. This week she decided to potty train. It’s been really good. She keeps saying “you’re so proud of me!” And she’s right!
She loves princesses and fire trucks and talking non stop.
I’m so obsessed with her. Sometimes I wonder if we should just stop with her. But I’m not ready for that conversation yet.
(Until someone tells us we’re not)
Still pregnant, day 2!!
Confession : I never thought we would get pregnant. i am in complete shock and disbelief and will probably stay that way, like, forever.
So. She was planning on testing today (Weds). Then on Monday night she texted me “What if my pain is an ectopic pregnancy” and she was legit scared. i had no idea what pain she was talking about bc she’s very good at assuming i can read her mind or forgetting to tell me things.
Apparently it felt like her muscles were being pulled off of her pelvis, on the right side. So i didn’t know what to make of that, but i asked if she wanted to test early if she was that concered. she said “maybe tomorrow”
And then it was tomorrow (Tuesday/ yesterday) and i was half asleep and hadn’t thought about it and heard her brushing her teeth and then she was coming back to the bedroom and holding the test and trying not to cry and said “Baby, I think I’m pregnant”
Two things i will never forget: her face when she realized i was proposing to her, her face when she said those words.
Part of me is AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH excited and part of me ia dead inside and feels nothing and all of me only got 4 hours of sleep last night bc i was laying there in panic over all of the horrible things that can happen during pregnancy.
Doing the 2nd test definitely helped, the 1st wasn’t just a fluke. And in 2 hours we go for a blood test.
And in 6 hours we’re going to look at a house. omg adulting
A: cd1. I tested last night so I knew it was still a negative, but you still keep that little secret hope. But now I can rid myself of that! We’re sitting in the waiting room to discuss the Doctor of Pharmacy Professional Degree (yay) so I don’t really have time for being too upset about it. I guess my only job now is to go to the gym and be healthier and wait impatiently for my appointment at the end of January.
M: I don’t remember what cd she is on, but she’s been using opks, we have my 9000 pack of cheapies, but we also got a digital on (clear blue?) With like ten tests in it. We shipped our sperm last night so we should get it Friday. She’s a horrible temp taker. She constantly gets up and wanders around or goes to the bathroom or makes coffee and then comes running back to bed. You know that’s invalid right? Ugh, shut up. But she has gotten more used to it.
She’s just so darn great. She’s weird and pretty and does the laundry and is insane and puts up with me and is intelligent and makes me laugh. I’m so lucky. And now she’s going to grow me a baby! She keeps telling me it’s my baby and she’s just growing it. I remind her that it’s our baby and she says Yeah that’s what I mean. But any time I wonder if I’ll feel weird or distant or upset that it’s her instead of me she reminds me that this is my baby and I’ll grow one soon.
So, by this time next week we should be in our tww!
A: Tomorrow is the last day of my 2ww. I’ve been testing out: Negative. I thiiink I have two tests left. After emailing with the dr I will be switching from Clomid to Letrazole. But I can’t until I meet with her at the end of January. Progesterone (and pms) is making me bitchy. Either my girlfriend is insane and pissing me off, or I’m just perceiving it that way. I’m trying to be nice and hold it together, but sometimes you just gotta spend a whole day crying, you know?
M: My gf is on Cd 3. (This is the first time in life a year that I can remember our cycles being so close) As of today we’re going ahead with her this cycle. So next week we buy sperm (using the same donor we’ve used for me). I believe she usually ovulates around day 16. She’s always been super consistent, I hope it stays that way. Next week we also tour two schools for her to get her pharmacy degree.
(Written yesterday, no period yet and I forgot to test today)
According to United Healthcare I might not exist. Sad, sad day for me! For months now, I try to access the website, call them, set up a time to hang out, nothing! I’m starting to get a complex. All I want is for them to say Hey! Get whatever tests you want, here’s how much we’ll cover, do anything you want bc we want you to have a baby! But that hasn’t happened. Cold shoulder for me. (I’m typing on the touch screen of my tablet and this kittie is trippin watching my fingers go back and forth).
Then this weekend I get a summary of my ins activity, sure enough it’s my name birthdate account numbers. Of cooooourse they can find me when it comes to the money part of things, but if I want to know the particulars of my plan… nope! And of course there was nothing given to us on paper bc it’s so easy to find online! Siiiigh.
I was able to register for the clinics website though, and it’s so awesome! I can pay my bill there (which is good bc they never mailed me one) I can see all my past and future appointments, email my md, see my test results! They tested my thyroid, fsh, estrogen levels, and I think one other thing, but they just called and said you’re fine, it was nice to actually look at the numbers. And then Google the numbers bc idk what they mean. And I still don’t understand them beyond I’m fine! Maybe I should just take their word for it next time.
I also saw that there was no bloodwork scheduled for this week, so I called and fixed that. So now I’m waiting to do that and also discuss the hcg trigger shot. Idk how long that will take, hopefully by the end of the week? Then we have to decide what we’re going to do. If the Clomid didnt help then it’s solved for us, we see what md suggests, higher Clomid, and wait. If it Did work, we have to decide how comfortable we are with timing (not) and see if we want to try this coming cycle.
Somewhere along the way there was a BIG miscommunication bn my love and I. she was under the impression that i wanted to wait an indefinite amount of time. I was unsure about how this month went and wanted to discuss our options based on my next blood tests. So I tried discussing it with her but apparently she was completely unhinged yesterday. (it seems I’m not very fair to her, I think I pretty much only talk about her when she’s being a jerk. that’s not fair, she’s a wonderful, smart, pretty, funny princess. And 85% of the time is not an asshole, I promise) So she had been up since 4 am and wanted to be a crab and wouldn’t talk to me about anything and then she took a nap, which could have gone either way either she would wake up refreshed or an even bigger asshole. I took a picture of her sleeping and showed it to her, she was scowling in her sleep! But thankfully she woke up in a better mood and we were able to talk a little more.
we didn’t reach any conclusions, but I’m glad we’re back on the same page! we’re just going to wait for the results and go from there. the easiest, and least desirable, would be I didn’t ovulate and we’re out another month. and even if I did ovulate, would it be the worst thing ever to wait another cycle? no. but i feel like anything could be a justifiable reason to wait and I’m sick of waiting.
I made breakfast for my love and took it to her, she was gone to work before I got up and only works two blocks away, and she seemed to not be a total crab today! so that’s good. and now she can stop texting every five minutes that she’s Hungry. Starving. Waaaaaaasting awaaaayyyy. So hopefully we can have a good day. And all I want to do is keep talking to her about having a baby, but I don’t want her to be a jerk face and harsh my happiness! And my mom is coming over soon to shop and i want to talk to her about it, too, but also can’t! I just want to talk to someone about it! but there’s nothing else I can do or talk about until after I talk with the md. so I just have to be patient (ugh) and look online for baby paraphernalia.
i took off work tomorrow bc tomorrow’s my birthday and there may or may not be surprises in store, but i’m usually working during regular business hours. so if i’m home i guess i could call the stupid insurance company and try to get some answers. happy day!