a journey to familyhood

Posts tagged ‘lesbian ttc’

Pregnant. 

(Until someone tells us we’re not) 

Still pregnant, day 2!!

Confession : I never thought we would get pregnant. i am in complete shock and disbelief and will probably stay that way, like, forever.

So. She was planning on testing today (Weds). Then on Monday night she texted me “What if my pain is an ectopic pregnancy” and she was legit scared.  i had no idea what pain she was talking about bc she’s very good at assuming i can read her mind or forgetting to tell me things.

Apparently it felt like her muscles were being pulled off of her pelvis, on the right side. So i didn’t know what to make of that, but i asked if she wanted to test early if she was that concered. she said “maybe tomorrow”

And then it was tomorrow (Tuesday/  yesterday)  and i was half asleep and hadn’t thought about it and heard her brushing her teeth and then she was coming back to the bedroom and holding the test and trying not to cry and said “Baby, I think I’m pregnant”

Two things i will never forget: her face when she realized i was proposing to her, her face when she said those words.

Part of me is AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH excited and part of me ia dead inside and feels nothing and all of me only got 4 hours of sleep last night bc i was laying there in panic over all of the horrible things that can happen during pregnancy.

Doing the 2nd test definitely helped, the 1st wasn’t just a fluke. And in 2 hours we go for a blood test.

And in 6 hours we’re going to look at a house.  omg adulting

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Positive OPK!

Insem in the am!!
I’ve been having a shitty week.I I can’t sleep, I’m anxious, I’m ptsd-ing out, I’m trying to fight off a migraine.
But once i got that solid smiley and two solid wondfo lines?!
It’s all forgotten! Go, body, go!

Christmas Miracle?

2 vials of sperm should have been delivered to our house today. You when a good time is to spend $635? The week before Christmas. When you haven’t bought any presents yet!
Let’s hope this is the last purchase for a while!
If everything continues down the route it should be on, we’ll probably inseminate Weds and Thurs. I’m glad we’re doing it soon and that we’re doing a double. I hope it pays off.
February will mark 2 years that we’ve been trying. With plenty of time off along the way, but still! TWO YEARS!!
I’m annoyed at that, at the fact that I can’t do the one thing I want to do. I’m sure I could travel any where I wanted, have any job, whatever it is, if I tried, I’m not limited by anything. But I can’t have a baby. I never considered that this would be my life.
I’ve always wanted 6 kids. I love movies like Cheaper by the Dozen. I’ve had my list of names for as long as I can remember. When I as 14 and pregnant it never occurred to me that I might never be pregnant again. Maybe only as I type this out is it occurring to me. I might never be pregnant again. (At least I got to be for a little bit?) (I don’t even really remember it.)
Is that horrible, traumatic time in my life going to hand been my only chance? I’ll never get my dream of 6 kids and a bullydog and kitties and a white picket fence? Eff that.
(This was not at all the path I meant to go with this post)
I would love to see the two year journey come to an end. Although after baby #1 it could be another two year journey for #2, I know that. I just feel like if we can just get one of us pregnant it would ease a lot of the pressure. I just want it started.
My vessel is doing well, but she just texted me that she’s sick. Oh no, what’s wrong? I sneezed 6 times today! The poor dramatic thing. I thought she got an arm shot off or something. I hope she isn’t actually sick and feeling too poorly for insem.
It would be wonderful for this to work and be a Christmas (or, New Year’s) miracle! My love keeps getting more and more excited about how we’re going to tell my mom. I can remember a time in the not so distant past that she never wanted to be pregnant. And now she’s probably as excited as I am. I like her, she’s great.

One down, one to go

Little miss crazy face is halfway through her tww.
Do you have any symptoms?
“Well, I’m fucking bitchy! Does that count?!”
Ummm, no further questions, your honor.
Then she grabbed her boobs for a while. Nothing. Just the bitchy.
She’s been temping like a champ and it’s nicely above the cover line. I almost wish she wouldn’t do it though so that it wouldn’t be sad to see it fall.
It’s still so much less stressful to be on this side. Every one in a while I get flashes of oh my god what’s going on with her I have no control no intuition nothing aaaahhhhh, but I do the healthy thing and shove it down lol.
We’ve stopped telling my mom how it’s going so that if it does work we can tell her for Christmas.
I love my vessel and hope today’s surprise bitchiness goes away quickly and that in another week we have good news.

Relief!

We’re in the 2ww. My girlfriend is still amazing and wonderful. I kind of anticipated some sort of freak out, but she’s handling it really well. She’s my vessel. 🙂 that’s what she would call me, so now it’s what I call her. Get the laundry, vessel. Do this, vessel. You’re great, vessel.
When we were discussing switching from me to her our friend told her good job for womaning up and doing it. I really had to disagree with the way she presented her points. She implied that it was a no brainer to switch and if my gf didn’t want to, i know she would have been pissed. But seriously, it’s not that easy. It’s such a personal choice, if M didn’t want to, she would be under no obligation. It has nothing to do with being a woman or taking one for the team. And I honestly didn’t think she would do it. But I can soooooo appreciate her for it. We talked about how lucky we are that there are both of us to try. Not everyone has that opportunity. We are very very lucky.
I can’t remember the last I’ve/we’ve felt so close. It’s fun and new and there’s so much talking and sharing and laughing and there’s lots of sex. I’m for it. It’s like at the start of the relationship where you’re in the honeymoon period. Whatever it is, I’m for it.
I am feeling so much less pressure these days. I can have my period and Not have to take medication. No Clomid, no anxiety about when/if I’m going to ovulate. I don’t have to overanalyze every little thing. M keeps telling me that the whole world is not on my shoulders. And that’s a really hard thing to accept. But I’m really feeling some of that relief right now. It’s such a strange feeling, I don’t even know what to compare it to.
One thing i hadn’t realized is that M wants me to start trying asap after my appointment, even if she’s pregnant. I hadn’t considered such an overlap. At the end of hers, yes, but I just assumed it would be one of us or the other.
I love my vessel. I hope she gets pregnant. Like oooooooooomg I really hope. I hope she doesn’t come to regret her decision. I hope she grows me a fat awkward little baby. I don’t even have the words, I’m so excited, and I’m so relieved to have a break from all of the pressure.
We bought approx 9 million pregnancy tests so that she can test out and it really amazes and excites me that we actually have a shot at a positive!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂

End of my era, onto the next

A: cd1. I tested last night so I knew it was still a negative, but you still keep that little secret hope. But now I can rid myself of that! We’re sitting in the waiting room to discuss the Doctor of Pharmacy Professional Degree (yay) so I don’t really have time for being too upset about it. I guess my only job now is to go to the gym and be healthier and wait impatiently for my appointment at the end of January.

M: I don’t remember what cd she is on, but she’s been using opks, we have my 9000 pack of cheapies, but we also got a digital on (clear blue?) With like ten tests in it. We shipped our sperm last night so we should get it Friday. She’s a horrible temp taker. She constantly gets up and wanders around or goes to the bathroom or makes coffee and then comes running back to bed. You know that’s invalid right? Ugh, shut up. But she has gotten more used to it.

She’s just so darn great. She’s weird and pretty and does the laundry and is insane and puts up with me and is intelligent and makes me laugh. I’m so lucky. And now she’s going to grow me a baby! She keeps telling me it’s my baby and she’s just growing it. I remind her that it’s our baby and she says Yeah that’s what I mean. But any time I wonder if I’ll feel weird or distant or upset that it’s her instead of me she reminds me that this is my baby and I’ll grow one soon.

So, by this time next week we should be in our tww!

One week down!

So far I have not really been that crazy!! Yaaaay!! As far as 2ww’s go, between both my love and myself this has been the easiest one.
(So far, I make no promises I won’t snap lol)
I’m…pretty chill.
Except for twenty minutes ago when I was Googling if bloody nose was an early sign! Apparently it actually is. Who knew.
You know what’s not sexy? Bloody nose cleavage! (Yes, I sure did snapchat that to my girlfriend before I cleaned it up!!)
Let’s see…what imaginary pregnancy symptoms can I think of? Nothing really. Migraine. Nothing new. Boobs feel normal. Some things smell weird. I  exhausted, but no matter how much Benadryl I take I just can’t sleep.
Every once in a while I say something and I catch my love looking at me like she’s about to Google whatever I said. Lol, she says she’s good though, too.
Halfway through, I’m pretty proud of both of us for being so reasonable.
We’ve also been busy with hiking and family game nights and various birthday celebrations, so that definitely helps.
I’m not sure what the difference is. I know if/when I get my period I’ll be heartbroken, probably even more so than I think. But then hey, we try again. I know it’ll be hard, but I’m glad I’m not freaking myself out now.
It’s actually my birthday today. Ew. 29. I feel sooooo old. And also very young, it feels like I couldn’t possibly be so old. And my 25 year old girlfriend is going to trade me in for a younger model. It’s okay, we had a good run. 🙂
Thursday we’re going kayaking! I’m super excited. Tonight she’s making me a super secret special birthday dinner. (My guess is the vegetation lasagna I spent hours texting her about yesterday bc it just sounded soooo good, or if she’s feeling lazy, a pretzel crust pizza!!! Either way I’ll be happy!)
(Also I’m all paranoid now and I keep expecting to look down and see blood running down my chest)
One more week!!
Good waiting to my cycle buddies 🙂