a journey to familyhood

Posts tagged ‘crazyrageface’

Bitching about Progesterone (Again)

Saturday we went to my mom’s so my love could mow the lawn and I could paint her bathroom.
I swore I would never paint another room again in my life, but my uncle replaced her shower and half of the room blue and the other half white.
So I had to paint the whole thing white, ceiling included.
The paint was clearly old, I’ve done about 900 coats and it’s barely passable. I was hot and sweaty and so so so angry, I maaaay have punched the wall a little bit.
Then I stopped having a tantrum and was elected to cook dinner. Per my mom’s request we had fruit pizza, egg salad and French toast. Not items that normally go together, but all delicious (if I do say so, myself)
Then I pretty much cried the whole drive home. Because it was a nice day and I was sad to leave.
Yesterday I had a really good night (like reaaalllly good, you know). And then I had horrible, scary dreams and was awake at 3 am. And then I had an anxiety attack and the last time I remember it being was 430. We set our alarms for 530 to go to the gym. But I woke up crying bc I was so tired and upset over bad dreams and anxiety and not sleeping well.
I said pleeeeaaaase 14 more minutes so my love made coffee to let my sleep. Then she came back and it had been 20 minutes but I just wanted five more. She wanted to change from gym to a walk/run so I said don’t go I’d be right up. Then I fell sleep again. And she woke me up again after another 20 minutes. And changed her plan again to watching Orange Is The New Black.
That plan was delightful, but then I spent the morning crying bc not only did I not go to the gym, but bc of me askng her to wait she didn’t get to do anything she wanted either.
Cry cry cry for no reason. Crryyyyyyy. Angry, anxious, upset.
I’m a woman, I’ve got years of practice riding the dragon” (Bernadette, Big Bang Theory)
Today is my SEVENTH day bleeding. That’s right SEVEN! My average monthly is about 4 days. This is bullshit. I have an appointment next Tuesday. Yeah, c u next Tuesday.
I’m not excited about the appointment, I’m pissed off and upset about all of the imaginary things that probably won’t even happen. I know I’m being irrational, but I can’t stop it. I want to tell her to fuck right off with her progesterone. It is doing nooooootttthhhhhiiiiiiing for my cycle and only succeeding in fucking up my head.
Also it’s a Monday. That generally means it sucks. Today should be a good day at work (my own craziness aside), but now I’m upset about tomorrow when  I’m there alone. I’m working an earlier shift, which I like, but there is a lot on the agenda including a very important Care Coordination meeting that I do all the time, but my useless, lazy, bitch face of a co-worker is coming in 4 hours late bc our boss is on vacation and she feels like it. Bitch, the reason you were supposed to come in was exactly bc he’s on vacation! Also I want to kick her in her face. I’ve been pissed off and overwhelmed about tomorrow for days and it’s stupid to waste my time over it. It’ll be fine, I prefer doing things alone and my way bc I’m a control freak, I’m glad she won’t be there, but if one little thing goes wrong tomorrow I’ll yell “See?! I told you so!” And I’ll punch her in the throat and no one will know what’s going on bc this is all in my head and I’m willing to go back to my plan of kidnapping a child instead of turning into crazy person every cycle.