a journey to familyhood

Archive for April, 2018


A) it’s spring in the Midwest. Which means it’s 3rd winter/construction season/spring/locusts/bullshit season. Which means my head is killing me. I canNOT with all of these weather systems. Which means I need help from a primary dr which I don’t have

2) I was visiting with a friend who recently started meds for anxiety & depression and she was talking about how amazing she feels now. And I was intrigued.

D) I have been avoiding setting up an appointment with a primary bc it’s so overwhelming, but I feel like I’m close. And it’s equally scary and good. Idk how to walk in an say “hi, I’m barren, I have migraines, I have anxiety and depression stemming from ptsd, add, eating disorder, arthritis, please just turn me into glue and dog food!” Maybe I’ll just ease my way in and start with the migraines.

4) my wife was talking up her Dr but I just can’t do it, I need a female dr. She assures me he’s old and harmless, but until she was talking him up I didn’t really realize how much I could not be trapped in a room with some guy. I work primarily with men, I’m alone with men all the time, but Nope.

5) my wife has offered up her uterus for another baby. In fact, she’s offered it up 3 more times!! I love her. But she wants to get back to her prepregnancy weight and do a tough mudder first. Which means she’s dieting and working out. My brain does not do that. My brain is screaming at me to STARVE all the time. I was anorexic for 4 years, then bulimic for another 2. I’ve never considered myself “in recovery ” bc j never thought of it like that, but I suppose it’s true. But I feel like at any moment I’m not going to be able to fight it any more and I’ll be right back there. For literal years I lived on saltines and Diet Pepsi. I can’t drink Pepsi anymore bc of aspartame, but when they changed their recipe to aspartame free my first thought was “fuck yes!” I know it would be easy. I know j could get away with it. I know there are people saying “if you have the self control to do that, then you have the self control to diet and/or exercise ” and maybe my problem is worrying what people think? But I can’t do that. I know that about myself, that isn’t how I process. I know I’m rambling, but it just seems the more my wife talks about her fitness life, the more a part of me starts to panic. And she tries to understand what’s going on, but it’s not like I want her to not tell me about her life. I just have to be able to be a normal human without backsliding like 12 years but I don’t have the resources to do that.

H) April is Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. Obviously it means a lot to me. I post things to social media, and plan to continue all month. I try not to do more than a couple a week but I want to keep it out there over the course of the month. I have actually had people ask me “why do you bother” and it makes me want to bleed from the ears. A) I can say whatever the fuck j want on my own social media and 2) BECAUSE IT MATTERS! I work 4 days a week, I would say 4x a week my boss mocks the “me too”movement. And I could staple an explanation to his forehead and then bludgeon him to death with the stapler and he still wouldn’t get it. I wish I worked with better people.

?) my aunt and cousin have long talked about quitting their jobs and opening a bakery, i wish they would I would join them in a heartbeat!!

/) my wife gets up at 4am for work, but I like her so I usually go to bed with her and then lie awake for hours. Luckily she has a sleep mask and I have her headphones so it works out. Tonight I’m actually getting tired though (after 2 hours) so that’s good

%) my friend is making me go over tomorrow for waffles. I tried getting out of it bc of depression but she just promised heavy blankets and coffee and grey’s anatomy so I guess that’s a good friend to have 🙂

I’m also working up the courage to talk with a tattoo artist about my next tattoo which would also be a cover up of self harm scars. My wife got one done and I can tell how much better she feels about herself

Here’s my kid as a reward for either reading or skipping to the end. It feels good to have gotten some things off my chest.


So about 2 days (ish) after my last post (about how my kid doesn’t “talk”) she flipped her communication switch and has been nonstop ever since!

My uncle told me that all 1st time parents are morons. Maybe a smidge harsh. But I was so relieved to hear those wonderful babbles.

She’s nailing the baba dada lala sounds! She also waves and says “Hi” when greeting people! Whaaaaat, I didn’t know a 9 month did that. I also don’t know any other 9 months olds.

I’m so proud of her.