a journey to familyhood

8 Months/Post IUI 4

My wife and I have been…not ourselves lately in our relationship. Easily irritated , quick to snap, distant. It was awful. I think my wife still has lingering post-partum depression. I have all the time depression, anxiety, ptsd. It’s hard enough going through life against yourself. Feeling like you’re also agains your person, or they’re against you, is just awful.

The worst part is that all day long we would email or text and it was loving and sweet and everything was fine. But within minutes of being around each other it was rough.

I also have been having nightmares for almost a week. I would fall asleep okay I guess but wake up terrified and exhausted, or in a full blown anxiety attack. It sucked.

This weekend we both had off (an every 4-6 week occurrence) and it was amazing.

I feel like I have my best friend back. We’ve been talking, more importantly: communicating so well. Laughing and joking with each other. Sat together on the couch. We even played a video game together (until my rage at being so inept made me want to break things).

It was like our relationship was reset. I will do everything in my power to keep this vibe up. Idk why we were at each other throats and idk why this weekend was so amazing, but I appreciate it. I also slept well and nightmare free for two nights.

This weekend was also IUI #4. So far the least painful. But even now laying here I feel like I can feel ovaries working. Idk what it really is, left over cramping, but it’s irritating as shit lol. (I’m also a little scared there’s something terribly wrong with me and I’ll die in my sleep)(there’s not, I’m fine) My wife is hopeful, I’m trying not to be so the disappointment isn’t too great, but I’m trying to do visualizations as much as I can. Positive vibes.

Our perfect baby turned 8 months this past week. She’s been working on a tooth for almost a week and is not a fan. She started waving at her grandma (tbd is she really knows what she’s doing). Her love of food is expanding, as well as her skill in eating things. She had pasta for the first time and a pancake!

So if course I made a giant mountain on tiny baby banana pancakes just for her. We break it all up into as choke free as possible, but I did let her try getting a bite of then pancake all by herself And she was sooo proud of herself!!

We also took a nice long family walk with her and the dog and found a little park for her to swing at! She loved it!! She even laughed! (Something almost always reserved for the dog and the dog only)

I fucking love that kid. I want so badly to give her brothers.

And as much as I can’t wait to see how cute she is with her little tooth finally through, and watch her keep getting more cheeks and necks as her love of food grows, i feel a sadness for not enjoying her more until this point! Once that tooth comes through my tiny baby will never again by my toothless baby. Is this a normal parenting crisis?!

Isn’t she the most perfect? Maybe IUI #4 will be lucky and I’ll grow her a perfect sibling. Or maybe we’ll wait until the fall and my wife will still be willing.

I’m just stalling now. I was asleep before i posted this update but woke up unsettled. I don’t want another nightmare but I feel it’s very connected to the pelvic region pain/discomfort following an IUI.

If this does fail, I’ll be grateful for two things. 1) I’ll have money again. 2) I’ll have my body back again. It’s not a particularly good one, rarely does what it should, isn’t very well maintained, but we get by! And it’ll be nice for a while to not fuck with it. Not meds, no added hormonal nonsense from the meds. No poking and prodding. Hopefully less anxiety.

Going through this process our bodies aren’t really our own, our time isn’t our own. I’ll enjoy that break. After a tense final 2ww that is…

Comments on: "8 Months/Post IUI 4" (6)

  1. Sounds like a really brilliant weekend! Keep up the good work, it is so nice to have mutual support.

    Fingers crossed for this cycle, I am really rooting for you!

    And yes, she is indeed the most perfect imaginable! 🙂

  2. I’m sorry things have been so rough 🙁 My wife and I have had a lot of those rough patches just like you described. Being parents together, balancing everything life throws at you, and dealing with hormone fluctuations on top of that is hard on any relationship. Glad you got a great weekend together though. Those quality times always help my wife and I too.

    As for the toothless little baby becoming a big kid – Avery got her first tooth at 4 months and the rest were quick to follow. She still seems like my tiny little baby, even with almost all of her teeth, with walking and running, and learning to talk. I hope that as parents we’ll always be able to see hints of that tiny baby when we look at them, no matter how old they get.

    • Yeah, sometimes there are so many other things going on that we forget to work on us. But i think it’s good to recognize it and strive to do a better job in the future.
      Those are all such exciting milestones I’m glad you’re able to still your baby in there! Sometimes she’s just old and big but then something else happens and I’m amazed how small she still is. Ahh, parenting!

  3. Keep telling each other how much you enjoyed the good weekend and why, and keep finding ways to spend ‘down unpressured time’ together. Today’s world is super stressful and it takes practice and attention to tend your relationships. Your baby is beautiful and a sparkling star. Thank you for sharing her.

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