a journey to familyhood

Archive for March, 2018

9 month speech review

My babe will be 9 months in Friday. Holy shit did time go faaast. Like, that’s almost a YEAR which is almost 2 years which is almost 10 years and in a matter of seconds my squishy little meatball is a middle aged woman.

She is the best thing in my life. Hands down.

Our pediatrician sent us a 9 month review: motor skills, communication, etc. for most sections she was an A student. However, there is one section that she sucked at:


Idk what’s normal for a kid her age. And I’m hoping that the pediatrician will give us the ole “every kid is different, she’ll get there”. But based on their questions, and based on what I’ve noticed in passing from other smallish children, her communication is not there.

A) she is quiet most of the time. I wish she laughed more (even though she’s ALWAYS happy). Where other kids babble or squawk or whatever, mine just sits there quietly

B) when she does “talk” it’s usually when she’s eating (80%) and it is pterodactyl screaming. High pitch, top of her lungs, screaming/shrieking until she’s red in the face. There are no mamama dadada bababa no consonants- just the pterodactyl.

C) she’s whispered a few times. It’s the cutest fucking thing you’ve ever heard. But rare.

Is this a normal thing? We try to talk to her so she repeats us, no go. If you scream at her she’ll scream back, but consonants are met with silence. Is she just lazy? We know she can hear, but could she not be hearing well enough to understand the sounds? Maybe in a month I’ll be so annoyed with her speaking in full sentences and being super advanced lol. But for now it worries me!



I suspected, but it still hurts. 😢

This kid: is learning to snuggle (something I never realized was a learned process and was sad she didn’t do), can pull herself to standing, has a tooth

8 Months/Post IUI 4

My wife and I have been…not ourselves lately in our relationship. Easily irritated , quick to snap, distant. It was awful. I think my wife still has lingering post-partum depression. I have all the time depression, anxiety, ptsd. It’s hard enough going through life against yourself. Feeling like you’re also agains your person, or they’re against you, is just awful.

The worst part is that all day long we would email or text and it was loving and sweet and everything was fine. But within minutes of being around each other it was rough.

I also have been having nightmares for almost a week. I would fall asleep okay I guess but wake up terrified and exhausted, or in a full blown anxiety attack. It sucked.

This weekend we both had off (an every 4-6 week occurrence) and it was amazing.

I feel like I have my best friend back. We’ve been talking, more importantly: communicating so well. Laughing and joking with each other. Sat together on the couch. We even played a video game together (until my rage at being so inept made me want to break things).

It was like our relationship was reset. I will do everything in my power to keep this vibe up. Idk why we were at each other throats and idk why this weekend was so amazing, but I appreciate it. I also slept well and nightmare free for two nights.

This weekend was also IUI #4. So far the least painful. But even now laying here I feel like I can feel ovaries working. Idk what it really is, left over cramping, but it’s irritating as shit lol. (I’m also a little scared there’s something terribly wrong with me and I’ll die in my sleep)(there’s not, I’m fine) My wife is hopeful, I’m trying not to be so the disappointment isn’t too great, but I’m trying to do visualizations as much as I can. Positive vibes.

Our perfect baby turned 8 months this past week. She’s been working on a tooth for almost a week and is not a fan. She started waving at her grandma (tbd is she really knows what she’s doing). Her love of food is expanding, as well as her skill in eating things. She had pasta for the first time and a pancake!

So if course I made a giant mountain on tiny baby banana pancakes just for her. We break it all up into as choke free as possible, but I did let her try getting a bite of then pancake all by herself And she was sooo proud of herself!!

We also took a nice long family walk with her and the dog and found a little park for her to swing at! She loved it!! She even laughed! (Something almost always reserved for the dog and the dog only)

I fucking love that kid. I want so badly to give her brothers.

And as much as I can’t wait to see how cute she is with her little tooth finally through, and watch her keep getting more cheeks and necks as her love of food grows, i feel a sadness for not enjoying her more until this point! Once that tooth comes through my tiny baby will never again by my toothless baby. Is this a normal parenting crisis?!

Isn’t she the most perfect? Maybe IUI #4 will be lucky and I’ll grow her a perfect sibling. Or maybe we’ll wait until the fall and my wife will still be willing.

I’m just stalling now. I was asleep before i posted this update but woke up unsettled. I don’t want another nightmare but I feel it’s very connected to the pelvic region pain/discomfort following an IUI.

If this does fail, I’ll be grateful for two things. 1) I’ll have money again. 2) I’ll have my body back again. It’s not a particularly good one, rarely does what it should, isn’t very well maintained, but we get by! And it’ll be nice for a while to not fuck with it. Not meds, no added hormonal nonsense from the meds. No poking and prodding. Hopefully less anxiety.

Going through this process our bodies aren’t really our own, our time isn’t our own. I’ll enjoy that break. After a tense final 2ww that is…