a journey to familyhood

Archive for December, 2017

IUI 2 Insem

Officially in the 2ww.

The dr was busy so the nurse did the procedure. It still hurt, but so much less than when the dr did it last time!

I told her it was going to hurt and I would probably cry and she kept reassuring that the nurses are generally gentler than the dr. She was right! And I didn’t cry, yay.

I tried to really focus on my breathing and thinking positive affirmations. I’ve never done that before, I don’t meditate or do yoga or anything, but it felt right to really focus as much positive energy as I could.

Then I lay there upside down sending Snapchats to my wife for when she gets off of work. It was less sad that she wasn’t there than I thought it would be. Just don’t tell her that lol

Over 12 hours later now my body feels wrecked. I’m so sore and Crampy and exhausted and my v hurts and I slept about 4 hours last night. But the nurse was seriously raving about my cervical mucous and how perfect everything was for this cycle, so I’m happy about that. From a blizzard to thinking I had no follies and had to sit this cycle out, I think I got the best possible ending.

Even though the pain was less than last IUI, the ptsd triggering thoughts are still there. I don’t know how often I can do this to myself. Does this happen to other people? It’s not something that I imagine is talked about very often. Wouldn’t it be delightful to just get pregnant and not have to go through this? 🙂 I think that’s a good plan!

IUI 2 Midcycle US

Was a bit hesitant at 1st.

The dr was busy so a nurse did the us. At 1st she said she didn’t see anything good.

That was disappointing to hear.

But then she says waaaait, and there’s a big fat 15 mm! Buuut she’s not sure it’s actually viable bc it looks like it’s outside the ovary. And she can’t get a good angle to measure my uterine stripe.

So the dr come in measures everything up,says it all looks good. Trigger Sunday night, insem Tuesday am.

So in a matter of minutes I went from having nothing, cycle is cancelled to just kidding see you next week. Weird.

That sense of strangeness has stayed with me all day. It makes it feel like I shouldn’t have faith in this cycle and that it won’t amount to much anyway.

I’m trying to shake that feeling! The nurse being insure about the ultrasound is on her, not a reflection of me and my ovaries.

The worst part though is that my wife can’t go with me on Tuesday. I want her to be there bc she’s my wife and should be around for her childs conception. But selfishly I want her there for me! I want her to hold my hand and comfort me and drive me so I can take a Loraz.epam. I don’t want to lay there all alone crying with a nurse.

In all of our at home tries we were together, there was some level of romance, it felt more special.

But I’ll deal, I guess. What else am I gonna do?

I know I titled these as IUI 1&2 but there were 3/4 years of IVI before this. I’m glad to be at a drs office with a higher level of care. But it makes me wonder how long I can do it. It’s anxiety provoking, it’s emotionally so hard, triggering, painful. It’s lonely. It’s not what I wanted. I want another baby so badly, I want to be pregnant. I don’t really want to go through labor lol, but I want this. But how much can I do?

I wish I didn’t have pcos. Idk when my wife will be willing to try again. She said she will, and if you’ll remember she got pregnant on the 2nd try!! But maybe it won’t come to that. Maybe we’ll get a late Christmas present 🙂

This one needs bothers…

IUI #2

Almost cancelled thanks to up to 8 inches of snow, wind, whiteout conditions.

Thankfully I was able to get in a day early for my baseline ultrasound and all is still good to go.

Another round of Letrozole starts tonight

IUI #1

Negative

It was sad, but somehow less sad than when we just doing it at home. At least this way I don’t have to doubt that we had the timing right or wonder if I actually ovulated. Everything went according to plan. We’ll just try again.

Fortunately/Unfortunately, last cycle the timing worked perfectly for work and driving almost 3 hours for ultrasounds or lab work or whatever.

I can leave work to do it, but they really aren’t understanding. Like, they’re all just “dude-bros” and my boss would totally guilt me for having to come in late or leave early or whatever.

The silly thing is, he’s diabetic. He has to leave for drs appointments and has a nurse call him at work to talk about diabetes things. My coworker recently was diagnosed also as diabetic. So now he can magically have all the time he needs to go to appointments or whatever he needs. We call them “betis-brothers”. Because it directly relates to him and he can understand it, it’s fine. But fertility stuff is so far out of his understanding and comfort zone he’d be a total douche about it.

So I really hope that the timing this time works out just as wonderfully as it did last time.

Also it’s going to snow soon. Please don’t make me drive 3 hours in a blizzard.

We shall see.

Baby Spam

IUI #1 Progesterone

My progesterone was 12, definitely not bad!

I mean, I wish it were higher, but still! I ovulated it’s great!

Since it wasn’t at least 15 I do Progesterone suppositories twice a day until weds when I test. (!)