a journey to familyhood

Archive for July, 2017

1 month old! 

3 weeks

I can’t believe Rayne is 3 weeks old! It’s such a weird feelings, where she’s partly so new but also I’ve known her forever. But I have a feeling that’s just my life now 😊

I went back to work, which was sad, but wasnt as bad as i thought it would be. I’m only gone 2 days a week for now, but it’s long days!

I would much like to be a stay at home mom. My wife has found that she would not like that. She loves being with Rayne, but would rather be out in the world.

The baby so much more alert every day and spends more time just looking around. I wonder what she’s thinking,  what she’s taking in. I love watching her work her little hands and watch them so intently. 

My 2 favorite things right now is how she loves sunshine and outside, and that she’s been sleeping 4-5 hour stretches at night!!

2 weeks/10 years

Rayne is 2 weeks old!! It’s the most surreal thing to look at her and while it’s only been 2 weeks i feel like I’ve known her face my entire life.

She’s so much more alert every day, staying awake longer, looking around. I love it when she makes eye contact! Part of it is unsettling,  like she’s looking at my soul lol but mostly it’s good!

She’s loves her mama’s and her mama roo and being naked and her puppy. She still has her fussy days, which are more hungry/hangry days, every couple of days. But we get through.

I go back 2 days of work next week. That’s 23 hours. It’s already killing me. I just want to be with my wife and little girl.

The 15th is the anniversary of my dad’s death.  10 years. He was killed in a car accident. 

We did not have a good relationship. I hated him until the day he died. That’s a horrible thing to say. But I’m sure it was mutual.

But I’ve been trying so hard to be a smidge less bitter and resentful. I don’t want to carry that hate with me.

It’s hard trying to have a relationship with his side of the family. His mother was not a fan of me and that was mutual as well. A lot of traumatic things happened as a result of the 2 of them. And i just want to not to think about it. But i guess i don’t k ow how to put it behind me without it feeling like I’m invalidating what happened.

I can say, with absolute 100% certainty that if my dad were still alive, he would not know my daughter. I would not feel bad about it. But in an effort to be the bigger person,  i did take her to meet his parents. It was so awkward and thank god my aunt was there to be a buffer. I don’t know that it’ll happen again, but at least i can know that i tried.

That is the extreme condensed version of 30 years of emotions and bullshit. And for 1 day i let myself dwell and cried over all those years of pain and bitterness and frustration that nothing was ever resolved. That we didn’t have a good relationship. That he got to die and take the easy way out. That i still hate him.  That my heart breaks for my brothers who did get along with him to be suffering the loss. That the only person i hurt with all of these feelings is myself so i just need to get over it and let it go.

So I’m glad that today is over and i can shove it all back down for another year and try to be a less shitty parent to this little girl. 

1 week

I cannot even believe how quickly this week has gone. Every day is fast, suddenly it’s bedtime and the day is over and how does time just fly?
Mornings are my favorite part of the day (and a large reason to why the days are fast- we don’t get out of bed for hours)

She sleeps 3-4 hours in her bassinet, then eats, sleeps again for an hour or 2. When she gets up again to eat she comes to our bed and sleeps between us for another 1-3 hours.

I’m too nervous of myself to let her sleep with us all the time. But also, she was between us for months i missed snuggling! It’s amazing to just feel her normal body against me again.

But those hours in the morning when she’s with us in bed, omg. I fall so much more in love with her every minute. I just stare at her.

It’s so hard to say what she likes, what her routines are she’s only a week old. But we’ve seen an every other day pattern emerging of one day being the most content baby ever, going several hours napping between eating. Then the next day she fusses and half asses eating non stop. They’re working on their system.

We’ve had one hard night, on a fussy eating day. By the end of the day the baby was screaming,  too upset to eat even though it’s all she wanted to do. My wife was sobbing bc she couldn’t help her. I put on Mozart, took Rayne and held her with one arm while i rubbed my wife’s back and let her cry.  Rayne calmed instantly and once my wife relaxed a little she could feed her and they both slept for like 5 hours. It was heartbreaking to watch them struggle and cry.

The fussy times are rare, though. She’s such a good and calm baby. She prefers sleeping on her side, no matter how often we put her on her back. She loves to snuggle, but also enjoys her Mama Roo so we can still get things done.  She likes the car. The ring sling is 50/50 and so far the baby bjorn is 2 for 2. The dog loves her. I was worried she’d be jealous or obnoxious,  but she’s such a sweetheart with her.

She’s down to 7 lbs, but every day her little face changes so much and she loooves to eat I’d guess she’s beefing back up.

My wife got her pump yesterday so she can start storing milk. Any suggestions on when to introduce the bottle?

I mean to post things all the time, but it takes so long and my attention is limited lol. I’d rather just stare at this beautiful baby.

Baby Spam:

24 hours old

As I’m typing this our baby is turning 24 hours old. She’s so perfect.

Skin to skin is my favorite. I’m told i have good boobs for snuggling even if they’re not good for food! She got such sweaty bedhead against my chest, it was great.

Last night was tough for feedings, she wanted to nurse so badly but just couldn’t bring herself to do it. So she was pretty upset and we each slept for 1 hour and the other paced with her. Then we both had to pee so i popped her into her crib and expected a fit while we peed but Bam! Sound asleep! Yay.

It was nice for all 3 of us to sleep for a couple of hours. 

She alternately loves the swaddle and wants at least 1 arm free, or both. Whatever makes her happy!

Mostly today she’s been passed around between visitors and slept. She is already so much better at latching and eating, which should help tonight. 

Apparently Night 2 is a thing? She’ll be awake feeding for hours on end bc she misses life on the inside? That sounds awful. But she’s so fucking great I’m without words.