A) *Our baby is perfectly fine* I have become overwhelmed with a fear for my baby. A fear that something horrible is going to happen and i’ll never get to meet her 😓😢
When we 1st found out my wife was pregnant, miscarriage was my biggest fear. When we had our 1st drs apt it was “oh, youre pregnant? Great! Heres your due date, blah blah blah” before even confirming with blood or heartbeat. They just took our word for it and werent terrified.
It was many months before i could have that same blind faith. Of course she would have a heartbeat and be wiggly and full of life. She has been perfect since day 1.
But now that original panic is back. What if she stips moving? What if we go in and there is no heartbeat?! HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS?!?!?!
When i lost my baby i was a 14 years old. I dont know if he was a boy or a girl. But i decided he was a boy. He has a name, in my heart. And i greive him. Im 30. That means he would be older than i was when i was pregnant. That is fucked up.
I barely knew him and then he was gone. It was, and still is, devastating.
How could we lose this girl?
How can i even think about this or write about this?!?!
Our. Baby. Is. FINE.
I feel her move, i see her move, shes awake with me all night when i cant sleep. I talk to her and i sing ti her while the vessel sleeps. We listen to her heartbeat. Shes a punk who kicka my wife in her lungs and summersaults non stop.
We have no indication that shes not perfect. I dont know how ill make it for 6 more weeks waiting for her to be here.
I would assume that this is (somewhat) normal?? But how can it be so bad?!? I assume it ebbs somewhatbor no one would do this! It is a terrible fucking all consuming fear. I hope it calms down soon so i can enjoy the last 6 (ish) weeks of time with my wife.
2) im suddenly very aware that my wife and i are running out of selfish alone time. Weve been waiting YEARS for this. But now i wish we had just a liiiittle bit longer to just be us. Not that we necessarily do anything. But sometimes we’ll be watching tv and playing cribbage and i want to just stare at her and never share her with the world. And i know there are a million family memebrs waiting to babysit her already amd a million things we’ll still do, but it will change. I didnt think i would feel this way. I already miss our *old* life and feel stupid for it
D) I dont sleep well. I struggle with anxiety and ptsd. So i lay awake all night playing with my baby and when i fall asleep i often wake up crying from the violence of my dreams. Benadryl wasnt helping and melatonin started giving me a horrible migraine. So now im just tired.
Im not a religious or spiritual person. Idk what i believe in. Science and …vibes?Which kind of feel like two opposite sides of the spectrum. But when wife was 1st pregnant i tried so hard not to panic bc i didnt want that negative energy to transfer to the baby and jinx us.
And i feel the same way now. Im afraid what im doing to her. Does she know that im afraid and anxious and cry? Is she going to be afraid and anxious and cry?
I dont want to be the reason this baby struggles. I want her to come to me for comfort, not be the cause for discomfort. Even if it’s not obvious, i dont want to be impacted by the fact that i struggle
I guess i only believe in energies when theyre negative lol.
4) I think i have finally mastered the spreadsheets that allow me to have 2 weeks off when my baby is born and 4 more weeks of only working 2 days.
THAT IS NOT ENOUGH TIME
As i do this i also realize that i have no idea where my money goes. My money “in” is a lot more than my money “out”, wtf?? I guess it’s time to start paying attention and start paying off student loans!