a journey to familyhood

Archive for May, 2017

Sunday Rambles (depressing)

A) *Our baby is perfectly fine* I have become overwhelmed with a fear for my baby. A fear that something horrible is going to happen and i’ll never get to meet her 😓😢

When we 1st found out my wife was pregnant, miscarriage was my biggest fear. When we had our 1st drs apt it was “oh, youre pregnant? Great! Heres your due date, blah blah blah” before even confirming with blood or heartbeat. They just took our word for it and werent terrified.

It was many months before i could have that same blind faith. Of course she would have a heartbeat and be wiggly and full of life. She has been perfect since day 1.

But now that original panic is back. What if she stips moving? What if we go in and there is no heartbeat?! HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS?!?!?!

When i lost my baby i was a 14 years old. I dont know if he was a boy or a girl. But i decided he was a boy. He has a name, in my heart. And i greive him. Im 30. That means he would be older than i was when i was pregnant. That is fucked up.

I barely knew him and then he was gone. It was, and still is, devastating.

How could we lose this girl?

How can i even think about this or write about this?!?!

Our. Baby. Is. FINE.

I feel her move, i see her move, shes awake with me all night when i cant sleep. I talk to her and i sing ti her while the vessel sleeps. We listen to her heartbeat. Shes a punk who kicka my wife in her lungs and summersaults non stop.

We have no indication that shes not perfect. I dont know how ill make it for 6 more weeks waiting for her to be here.

I would assume that this is (somewhat) normal?? But how can it be so bad?!? I assume it ebbs somewhatbor no one would do this! It is a terrible fucking all consuming fear. I hope it calms down soon so i can enjoy the last 6 (ish) weeks of time with my wife.

2) im suddenly very aware that my wife and i are running out of selfish alone time. Weve been waiting YEARS for this. But now i wish we had just a liiiittle bit longer to just be us. Not that we necessarily do anything. But sometimes we’ll be watching tv and playing cribbage and i want to just stare at her and never share her with the world. And i know there are a million family memebrs waiting to babysit her already amd a million things we’ll still do, but it will change. I didnt think i would feel this way. I already miss our *old* life and feel stupid for it

D) I dont sleep well. I struggle with anxiety and ptsd. So i lay awake all night playing with my baby and when i fall asleep i often wake up crying from the violence of my dreams. Benadryl wasnt helping and melatonin started giving me a horrible migraine. So now im just tired.

Im not a religious or spiritual person. Idk what i believe in. Science and …vibes?Which kind of feel like two opposite sides of the spectrum. But when wife was 1st pregnant i tried so hard not to panic bc i didnt want that negative energy to transfer to the baby and jinx us.

And i feel the same way now. Im afraid what im doing to her. Does she know that im afraid and anxious and cry? Is she going to be afraid and anxious and cry?

I dont want to be the reason this baby struggles. I want her to come to me for comfort, not be the cause for discomfort. Even if it’s not obvious, i dont want to be impacted by the fact that i struggle

I guess i only believe in energies when theyre negative lol.

4) I think i have finally mastered the spreadsheets that allow me to have 2 weeks off when my baby is born and 4 more weeks of only working 2 days.


As i do this i also realize that i have no idea where my money goes. My money “in” is a lot more than my money “out”, wtf?? I guess it’s time to start paying attention and start paying off student loans!

33 Weeks

32 Weeks!!

(I hope she’s cuter than this armadillo thing!)

Today i made my wife cry. The saddest, weeping, most heartbreaking crying ive heard in a long time.

Because i asked her if she made dinner.

Totally innocent, in passing comment, meant no harm at all, just curious. And now i feel like an asshole.

My poor peach.

The baby is apparantly very heavy, heavier every day. And she has also seemed to flipped into a kicking the lungs with her head mashed into lower bits position.

My wife has been so amazing through all of this, shes a tough. But these last few days have been especially hard for her. Shes still got plenty of weeks to go and i hope she finds her strength again, it breaks my heart to see her struggle and cry and be upset knowing i cant help her

31 weeks


It’s not done yet, but i can’t help but to share what we have done so far!!

30 Weeks & Baby Shower

  • Our shower this weekend was lovely! I was so happy that the weather held out and was warm and sunny!!
  • We didnt get the bathroom finished by the shower, but it’s getting close
  • My aunt and cousin made the elephant cake and my lovely bestie set up a headband station (she better like headbands, we have 1000 of them!)
  • I forgot to take a picture of all the books! We had a raffle for either coffee products or hair products and it was a success, baby got a lot of books with loving comments in them
  • We got bins, washed all of her clothes, organized them by size and put them all away!
  • We also stuffed all of our pocket diapers
  • My wife claims the crib needs 1 more coat of paint so she plans on doing that in the next day or so
  • Once the crib and changing table are dry we can fill it with diapers and finish setting up her room!!
  • For the 1st while she’ll be in our room of course, in a bassinet by the bed, and we have a changing pad
  • But her crib and dresser and such will still be in her room, for whenever we decide we’re/she’s ready. There’s plenty of room in our room, but still…im all for keeping the rooms seperate, even though i acknowledge that she doesnt need her own room atm
  • Im finally feeling a sense of relief over the amount of prep we’ve done today. Im one to nest, absolutely. My wife is less so. Shes also full of baby. I feel like i need this perhaps a little more than she does to feel more connected
  • We’ve done all the “things”…gender reveal party, baby shower. Oh yeah, we have to spend a whole saturday taking baby clases and finalizing our birthing plan.
  • Other than that, now we just…wait. all we need now is HER!!