a journey to familyhood

Archive for March, 2016

Cd 1

Hahahaha (1 week down!)

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I hope this isn’t true! And maybe it’s that I’m averaging 3 hours of sleep a night, but I laughed soooo hard at this!!

Too Much (Not ttc related)(trigger)

For about 15 years I’ve been dealing with PTSD stemming from sexual trauma. A future relationship filled with violence, assault and pregnancy/miscarriage didn’t help. Nor did another sexually/physical abusive relationship just before I met my girlfriend.
I’ve done my fair share of self destructing. I’ve met my fair share of therapists.
And I’ve felt a lot better. But these days I’ve never felt worse. I realistically know that I’ll feel better eventually, but right now I can’t see an end in sight.
For weeks I’ve been trying so hard. But I’m not getting any where. I have nightmares every night. I have anxiety attacks every day. I can’t eat. I don’t even have words for how horrible I feel. I have prejustified every self destructive act I can think of, just in case I need any of them.
I am resentful of my girlfriend for not being here. Or being here for me if she can’t physically be here. She’s never here, even if she’s not in training. It’s one thing or another. She hasn’t been here, slept next to me, for over a week. I don’t care that she has to be gone during the week, but the fact that she chooses not to be here when she can makes me fucking nuts.
She’s finally home. And she’s sleeping on the couch bc she has “a cough”. Seriously? Hug me, sit with me, talk to me, anything? Nope, all she has to say is “the tv is too loud”.
I have no one. She’s supposed to be the person that I can talk to. And she’s not.
Now my friend/former roommate asked if she and LJ can stay with us for a while. I want my life back. I want my normal life back where my girlfriend is ever home and things are quiet and peaceful. I don’t want the roommate back, but I won’t have the baby in a bad situation.
I don’t know what anxiety/stress can do to the tww, but my biggest concern is that my stress level is too high that I’ve already fucked up my chances. I feel like I’m living two lives. One where I want to be excited that I could be pregnant and fantasize about our family and how we would tell people. But the rest of me is crying and screaming and shaking and hyperventilating. And I don’t know how to separate the two so I don’t waste all of our effort.
Even worse, I started my double dose of progesterone yesterday. Progesterone is the worst thing in the world. It’s hard enough with a regular mindset. Let alone with how I feel now.
Eventually whatever is going on with me will calm down and I’ll be okay.
But not right now. Right now it’s too much.

Positive OPK!

Insem in the am!!
I’ve been having a shitty week.I I can’t sleep, I’m anxious, I’m ptsd-ing out, I’m trying to fight off a migraine.
But once i got that solid smiley and two solid wondfo lines?!
It’s all forgotten! Go, body, go!

Positively Orange

There was a Big Bang Theory episode where Raj was feeling positively orange bc nothing rhymes with orange so it’s lonely.
We use it to express a general feeling of…melancholia.
I suppose that would be a good description of how I feel.
I miss my girlfriend. I’m glad that she’s sticking with her training. A few times things were hard or scary, but she has stuck with it. She has friends there, especially one girl. I’m glad she has a friend and is going out and hanging out and can talk with her.
Mostly it’s fine that she’s gone, we talk and it’s cool and I see her from Friday night to Monday morning. But sometimes I just want to see her now. I want her to come visit me.
We ordered sperm today, to be delivered Monday. Out of no where I started crying on the phone. I just didn’t want to do this any more. It’s a sad thing. It’s time after time after time of getting excited and then being disappointed.
It’s hard. I don’t want to take stupid pills all the time, I don’t want to take my temperature, I don’t want to do opks, I don’t want to do an insem and wait hopefully for two weeks only to have it fail.
But I want the end result.
So I’ll keep doing it. Even though it leaves me positively orange.

Well, I’m on day two of Letrozole. They finally called me with their interpretation of my 14.46 progesterone level. The nurse said I was right on the edge. That their ovulation threshold was 15. I probably ovulated and could probably get pregnant.
That was super annoying. My numbers just from a .5 or  a 1 to 14.46 and you can’t say You Did It!! Bc it wasn’t a 15? Give a bitch a break!
I call it a win, damnit!
So they’re keeping my Letrozole the same 5mg days 3-7. I should (so probably won’t!) Ovulate around day 17. And we’ll do two vials of sperm spread out however I can figure out.
It really looks like I’m on my own this cycle. My love will be away at training. I’m bummed, she’s my plunger pusher. She can only be involved to a certain extent and now she can’t even do that. But we’ll deal.
I hope that I get close to if not better than a 15! And I’m really hoping the meds do the trick!