a journey to familyhood

Archive for November, 2015

One down, one to go

Little miss crazy face is halfway through her tww.
Do you have any symptoms?
“Well, I’m fucking bitchy! Does that count?!”
Ummm, no further questions, your honor.
Then she grabbed her boobs for a while. Nothing. Just the bitchy.
She’s been temping like a champ and it’s nicely above the cover line. I almost wish she wouldn’t do it though so that it wouldn’t be sad to see it fall.
It’s still so much less stressful to be on this side. Every one in a while I get flashes of oh my god what’s going on with her I have no control no intuition nothing aaaahhhhh, but I do the healthy thing and shove it down lol.
We’ve stopped telling my mom how it’s going so that if it does work we can tell her for Christmas.
I love my vessel and hope today’s surprise bitchiness goes away quickly and that in another week we have good news.

Relief!

We’re in the 2ww. My girlfriend is still amazing and wonderful. I kind of anticipated some sort of freak out, but she’s handling it really well. She’s my vessel. 🙂 that’s what she would call me, so now it’s what I call her. Get the laundry, vessel. Do this, vessel. You’re great, vessel.
When we were discussing switching from me to her our friend told her good job for womaning up and doing it. I really had to disagree with the way she presented her points. She implied that it was a no brainer to switch and if my gf didn’t want to, i know she would have been pissed. But seriously, it’s not that easy. It’s such a personal choice, if M didn’t want to, she would be under no obligation. It has nothing to do with being a woman or taking one for the team. And I honestly didn’t think she would do it. But I can soooooo appreciate her for it. We talked about how lucky we are that there are both of us to try. Not everyone has that opportunity. We are very very lucky.
I can’t remember the last I’ve/we’ve felt so close. It’s fun and new and there’s so much talking and sharing and laughing and there’s lots of sex. I’m for it. It’s like at the start of the relationship where you’re in the honeymoon period. Whatever it is, I’m for it.
I am feeling so much less pressure these days. I can have my period and Not have to take medication. No Clomid, no anxiety about when/if I’m going to ovulate. I don’t have to overanalyze every little thing. M keeps telling me that the whole world is not on my shoulders. And that’s a really hard thing to accept. But I’m really feeling some of that relief right now. It’s such a strange feeling, I don’t even know what to compare it to.
One thing i hadn’t realized is that M wants me to start trying asap after my appointment, even if she’s pregnant. I hadn’t considered such an overlap. At the end of hers, yes, but I just assumed it would be one of us or the other.
I love my vessel. I hope she gets pregnant. Like oooooooooomg I really hope. I hope she doesn’t come to regret her decision. I hope she grows me a fat awkward little baby. I don’t even have the words, I’m so excited, and I’m so relieved to have a break from all of the pressure.
We bought approx 9 million pregnancy tests so that she can test out and it really amazes and excites me that we actually have a shot at a positive!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂

End of my era, onto the next

A: cd1. I tested last night so I knew it was still a negative, but you still keep that little secret hope. But now I can rid myself of that! We’re sitting in the waiting room to discuss the Doctor of Pharmacy Professional Degree (yay) so I don’t really have time for being too upset about it. I guess my only job now is to go to the gym and be healthier and wait impatiently for my appointment at the end of January.

M: I don’t remember what cd she is on, but she’s been using opks, we have my 9000 pack of cheapies, but we also got a digital on (clear blue?) With like ten tests in it. We shipped our sperm last night so we should get it Friday. She’s a horrible temp taker. She constantly gets up and wanders around or goes to the bathroom or makes coffee and then comes running back to bed. You know that’s invalid right? Ugh, shut up. But she has gotten more used to it.

She’s just so darn great. She’s weird and pretty and does the laundry and is insane and puts up with me and is intelligent and makes me laugh. I’m so lucky. And now she’s going to grow me a baby! She keeps telling me it’s my baby and she’s just growing it. I remind her that it’s our baby and she says Yeah that’s what I mean. But any time I wonder if I’ll feel weird or distant or upset that it’s her instead of me she reminds me that this is my baby and I’ll grow one soon.

So, by this time next week we should be in our tww!

A:2ww and M:cd3

A: Tomorrow is the last day of my 2ww. I’ve been testing out: Negative. I thiiink I have two tests left. After emailing with the dr I will be switching from Clomid to Letrazole. But I can’t until I meet with her at the end of January. Progesterone (and pms) is making me bitchy. Either my girlfriend is insane and pissing me off, or I’m just perceiving it that way. I’m trying to be nice and hold it together, but sometimes you just gotta spend a whole day crying, you know?

M: My gf is on Cd 3. (This is the first time in life a year that I can remember our cycles being so close) As of today we’re going ahead with her this cycle. So next week we buy sperm (using the same donor we’ve used for me). I believe she usually ovulates around day 16. She’s always been super consistent, I hope it stays that way. Next week we also tour two schools for her to get her pharmacy degree.

(Written yesterday, no period yet and I forgot to test today)

Changes

1. My blood levels were shitty. Again. I just figured that maybe this once it would be okay. On double the Clomid. (Where in the past I was ovulating consistently on half as much). Idk what my progesterone was, they never updated it to the website. When I asked they just said it “wasn’t as good as it should be”. Could it have meant I just hadn’t ovulated as of cd21? Anyway. I can’t get more meds until I see the dr again. When can I see her? January 28th. Are you kidding me? I wish someone had told me months ago “we’ll try xyz and then you come in again.” Then I could have had an appointment waiting. I was so upset I probably cried for like 12 hours straight. I’m tired of being broken and barren but I’m not ready to quit. So my darling wonderful amazing girlfriend is going to try in the meantime. I feel so amazingly lucky to have her, but also so worried that she’s not going to be happy. She reminded me that she promised over a year ago if I couldn’t do it she would. I said I’m not giving up! And she doesn’t want to do it. But she said with a smile that she does want to and will be okay. Then she promptly bought prenatal vitamins and started temping. It’s weird to be on the other side and have even less control. But this girl is like a clock with her consistency, I hope it stays that way!

2. I don’t know if we’re moving to Oregon. I don’t think we are. It’s horrible and heartbreaking. But going would also be. My loves dad lives there and she’s always wanted to go. But she would be getting his house and all of his debts. When we were in MN we were sitting in the giant Adirondack chair just over the suicide bridge and she just blurted it out that she doesn’t want to go. In a way it’s choosing my mom over her dad. But we talked about it, omitting family altogether, and we’d rather stay here. Actually, the plan is to move to the big city where my love can go to pharmacy school, buy a duplex and live side-by-side (or upper/lower) with my mom. She’s currently selling her house and will hand us whatever she makes so we can buy a house with it. It is impossible to find what we’re looking for, but at some point we’ll hire someone to do it for us and in the mean time it’s fun to look.

3. My 19 y/o brother* told us that he is actually a she. It was completely out of the blue. I only have brothers, Idk what to do with a sister. He had a counseling appointment and one week the goal was to tell us. The next week the goal was to buy clothes he’s comfortable in. I was working so he asked if my gf would shop with him 🙂 it was the cutest thing in the world. Apparently my mom has known for like a year and offered to take him to church. He knew we would handle it better. So he’s at the beginning of whatever his process is going to be. *He has given permission to use still use male pronouns at this point, when he’s ready to change that I will* He said all he knows now is that he doesn’t have a plan, likes boys and girls, and is happy with his new girl clothes. I’m happy for him that he has the bravery to be who he’s supposed to be, knowing that the world can be a shitty place. I’m sad for him that he wasn’t just born in whatever body is right and that his journey will have people that don’t understand. I hope my mom doesn’t remain one of those people. I’m 10 years older and he’s always been my baby, I have the oldest sibling/only sister motherly mentality, so it’s hard to just be sister/sisterly or more on a friendship level, but that’s just a role I’ll have to adapt to. Tomorrow we’re having a chick-flick movie day 🙂

Aaahhhhhhh

Well it’s been 4 days of my 2ww and I’ve been an anxious mess for 4 days!!
Sure, others have had their own ups and downs, but omg! Usually I just kind of accept that it’s not going to work. But this time I’ve been more freaking out with “What if it doesn’t work?!”
I couldn’t sleep on Thursday (the very first night) because I was in panic mode that it might not work! It’s been an hour, no you’re not pregnant go to sleep!
I had my blood drawn this am for progesterone level. I can’t for the life of me remember how long it usually takes to get results, but come on! It’s been almost two hours put me out of my misery! (*I know I won’t have results this soon)
I just really hope I have a good number. I’ve been trying to play it cool, but I’m really really worried about it.
The biggest change with our ttc journey is that now my mom knows all about it. Because my gf told her.
I don’t mind that she knows. I don’t mind that my love told her. It’s just weird.
I think if she had it her way she would drag me by the hair into a church until I was smothered to death in a rebirthing ceremony.
But she handled it really well. (I think, it was all via text) But she genuinely seemed excited and asked questions and sent smiley faces and all things that made me really happy.
I haven’t told any of my friends that we’re in another 2ww. Then you just have to tell them it didn’t work.
I think we can do two more cycles before we have to financially take a break. Maybe that’s why I’m more anxious this time, because there’s a looming deadline. I had imaginary deadlines about wanting a baby before I was 30 (which means I would need to be pregnant this cycle) but does that really matter? Of course not. But to have more poor peach getting herself all anxious about how many times we can try is a Real deadline.
I wasn’t that worried about it until she brought it up! Now I am!
My newest fear is actually that I Will be pregnant and it will be ectopic and destroy my only good tube and then it’s all over. I hadn’t given it much thought in the past, but over these last few days it’s been all over my mind!
Okay, it feels better to get some of thesE thoughts out of my head! I think if I can acknowledge being anxious it will help it be easier to tolerate.