a journey to familyhood

Archive for September, 2015

Halfway to nothin

Apparently my lab work “wasn’t great”.  Idk how not great, but enough that if I’m not pregnant they’re willing to up my meds next cycle.
It’s pretty upsetting. I’m very tired of it all. I want to quit.
One time we saw this…

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And for some reason thought it was hysterical. So whenever we say Sorry about something we say “Imma sorry Green Mario”. So my darling love has been telling me that today and making me laugh.
I don’t want to do any more cycles or waste any more time and money and hopefulness on my stupid broken shit. But I will.
Fingers crossed some blood moon magic kicks in and I’m pregnant and don’t have to keep doing this.
Yesterday I had pain that was difficult to describe. It wasn’t like cramping or gi upset, but it was like a slicing pain in my lower abdomen. It felt like I pulled/tore every muscle.
I had actually forgotten about it today, went to the gym and everything without a second thought.
I don’t have anything else I can think of for “signs”.
It’s just a sucky day. Another local kid was killed in a car accident (when your community is 2000 people you know everyone and it seems to affect everyone). My mom has an MRI coming up, which will probably not go well. If my mom’s prognosis is bad enough, we can’t go to Oregon, which is hard. I don’t want to take that away from my love. But I know neither of us could leave her.  Everything is hard and sad and overwhelming and idk if I can blame it on Progesterone devil-supplements or pms or just life.
Maybe tomorrow will be better

2ww

Here we are again. Woohoo. I feel like a big slacker, I haven’t been temping or doing opks as religiously as I should. I didn’t think we’d be able to get it done with a mini vacation thrown in the mix, but we ended up with a small window of time and went for it.
Maybe it’ll be for the best, the fact that I wasn’t able to overthink everything! Maybe I’ve been secretly sabotaging by trying too hard. I guess we’ll see.
So now it’s back to the real world after not working since mid Friday. I love not working. I’m sure a lot of people would say that, but I mean Reeeeaally.
It was nice to get away and we planned for our next trip to MN and camping at the end of October. So yay, I only have to work for a month and I’m off again. Even better, I only have to work foooorrrrr 8 hours and ten minutes and I’m off tomorrow! (Awwww I’ve only been here for two hours?!

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I have a client I think I mentioned before. He’s a complete and total asshole. I deal with a lot of difficult people. But I think everyone knows that usually the more difficult the person, the better. I’m good with it, bring me your psychotic, your screaming suicidal masses. But don’t bring me your violent, your borderline.
And I think I’ve gotten to the bottom of why I can’t sleep at night. Or why I wake up every hour or two in a hot terrified sweat.
Other agencies have protocol in place to never be alone with him. There is too much room for error. I get no such luxury.
He’s taken to…intimidating me. Using threats that are juuuust veiled enough that I don’t actually have a legit claim. Trying to get me alone in dark rooms with no one else around. Blocking my exits from rooms. Telling me we should go alone somewhere. And then with big eyes oh just so that we can talk.
I know the entire point of these games are to make me uncomfortable. He wants me to be scared. I do Not think he’d actually do anything. He’s just trying to get in my head.
But it’s still not okay. And it’s working. Not that he’d know. As far as he knows I’m still a “cold bitch”.
He has no idea what my past was. He has no idea what I’ve been through. It’s just games. But it’s games with my fucking life.
I told my boss and manager that I won’t be alone with him. I was expecting something to the effect of “man up and do your job”. But mostly they ignored my concerns. Apparently my boss did pull my co-worker aside to voice his concerns, but he never talked with me or anyone else and then he went on vacation.
I don’t particularly want anyone to talk with the client, then he wins. What I want is for my manager to not make jokes about it. He jokingly says things like Oh, did you want me to get him so you can be alone together? Or referring to him as my boyfriend. Dude, that’s not cool. My hints at him to stop are pretty big but he still miss them, so I guess my next recourse is just flat out telling him to stop being a dick.
I want to be tired at night and go to bed and snuggle with my girlfriend and not flinch every time she touches me or wake up in the throes of an anxiety attack or crying. I want to rid my brain of the parts of me that can remember ever begging to be left alone. Honestly I think that’s what bothers me the most. I want my body to not go into panic mode when I go to work. My skin is fucking crawling.
I don’t even know where I was going with this

I’ll be okay

My Monday Mantra is that “I’ll be okay”. Bc I will be. I just need a minute.
Saturday I was spotting, but we had a wedding to go to so I was trying not to get too upset. Right before we left it started, but I didn’t tell my love bc I didn’t want to upset her. So after the wedding I told her and we got out of our minds drunk and had some spectacular bedroom activities that I only remember in bits and pieces.
But there was no crying on Saturday.
Sunday I realized that I had to tell my friend that we weren’t pregnant. I only told one person bc the worst part isn’t really knowing you’re not pregnant, it’s telling people you’re not. That was the first time I cried. And cried and cried. My love was at work so I gave myself an hour to wallow and cry and listen to sad music and try to get it all out.
So I cried while I did the dishes. And I think it was helpful. Then we went to the beach and out to dinner as I wondered just how bad my period could get before I needed medical attention.
I still know there’s nothing I can do about the failed cycle and all I can do is move forward and get ready for the next cycle.
But there’s something about this period. It is so powerful. I have to assume that it’s all the different meds. And part of me is glad to have such a string period bc it feels like clearing everything out and starting over fresh. Maybe it’ll make a difference for the next cycle?
But the emotions are just as strong and over the top. I don’t think it’s just bc I’m not pregnant.
I can’t sleep, I’m having nightmares and flashbacks, I tear up all the time, I’m so anxious, so so anxious. My love accidentally brought a boxcutter home from work the other day and keeps forgetting to take it back, yesterday I sat there all morning just flipping it in my hand and taking it apart and putting it back together.
I.feel worse now than I can remember feeling in a long time. Sure, there are plenty of times when I don’t sleep well or am anxious. I’m always anxious. But this is a lot worse.
I just realized that I’m not worried about it either.
I’m going to be fine. I know that. It just doesn’t feel good now. But it’s going to go away. I know it will go away. I know I’m going to be okay. I think.
Of course the drs office is closed today for Labor Day, so I start meds tomorrow. I am excited to try again, eventually it’ll work, why not in September?! Our September is ridiculously busy, but we’ll make it work. Everything will be fine

Out

Definitely cd1. Waited aaaaaall day knowing it would start and being upset and when it did (with a vengeance) it wasn’t so bad. So we try again this month, oh well

Waiting for the “other 2ww”

Well, I’m not officially out yet until I get my period, but I’m pretty sure I’ll get it any day/hour/minute.
I’m 13dpo, have had 3 negative tests and feel “af”ish.
(Also I got to have the conversation of Go buy me more tests. Why, don’t you have 1 left? Yeah! That means I can only test once more instead of compulsively!)(she didn’t buy more, she sucks)
I’ve had periods of being upset about it and periods of maaaaaybe it’ll still happen! But mostly I just want my period to get here so we can move on.
Usually my girlfriend’s response is to act like a biiiiitch about it, but I know she’s just upset and is a control freak without any control. But usually she’s more upset about it then I am.
Today we had a “beach day” at Lake Michigan. It was nice to spend time away from home ands having fun and not just sitting around waiting for more negative tests. It was effing cold. But it was fun to giggle and make out on the beach and wonderful to hold hands and run screaming into the lake bc it was so cold and then turn and run screaming out.
(On a less nice thought, my cousin died in that same area a couple years ago and all i could think about at times when my skin was screaming from the cold how fucking horrible it must have been for him).
Then we had lunch in town (Where my whoooole extended family lives) and saw two cousins and an aunt! My aunt was so sweet telling her friend “Oh these are my nieces!” It was nice to get validation and make my peach feel like she belongs.
It made us both wonder What if we don’t move away.
As we were driving I apologized for my hostile and barren uterus and my love says it’s okay I knew it wouldn’t work anyway, it should never work, such a tiny little sperm and all the percentages and blah blah blah. I said what are you even rambling about? And her straight faced response to me was “It’s magic! And we’re fucking muggles!”
She’s a-okay in my book.
I’ll probably cry when I get my period and be sad I’m not pregnant. But really I just want to move forward with the next cycle! The sooner it starts the sooner I Clomid/Letrazole and the sooner we u/s and ship sperm and get to the real tww!