a journey to familyhood

Archive for June, 2015

Planning

I like to plan. And make lists and check and double check and overanalyze things to death. I drive my girlfriend crazy sometimes, but I can’t help it. I need to know what’s going on and how to prepare. If I don’t I will be too anxious to function. Even if I do, I’m mildly functional lol.
So, today I saw my Dr. I was soooo anxious, but I only cried a little and I lived! It’s amazing how differently I can feel before and after a appointment. Every time! Usually they make me do my vitals twice. Once at the beginning when everything is through the roof, once at the end when I’m calm.
Today my pulse was 112 at the start of the appointment, I didn’t see the blood pressure. By the time I was done it had already starting dropping into the 70s.
Anyway, things went well.
She doesn’t want to increase my meds, which I’m glad about. More metformin would not be good for my stomach, more progesterone would not be good for my head.
My cycles have gone from mid 40s to 28 and 32. I’ve been spotting since last night and I’m wanting to call today cd1.
Since I spotted for 8 days like a week ago and am spotting again (or starting cd1) it’s very odd, so I’m going to not count this cycle for much of anything. Except to get back in the habit of using opks and temping.
Next cycle I will continue to use opks and temp. I will also take Clomid or Letrozole (?) and have an ultrasound/follicle scan of some sort to see how I react to the meds and if I can track my ovulation. If all goes well we’ll be ready to go the following cycle. So…August/September.
I’m happy with this plan. It’s not to soon that I feel rushed and it’s not too far away that I feel defeated. I’m choosing to wait, she’s not telling me I have to.
So my lovely girlfriend is at home with the list of billing codes to price having the procedure at home rather than at home and follicle scans, etc. We may need to go a bit a la cart as far as what monitoring we do based on prices. I’m happy with that and the dr was happy with it.
We also need to find a new donor. I’m only a little bummed. My love just texted me that there are 12 candidates for me to review. It’ll be fun. Hopefully.
I need to do some research on Clomid v letrozole. I never wanted to take clomid again, but since I’ve been off of it for a while maybe I can tolerate it for a cycle or two. We’ll see!

Bitching about Progesterone (Again)

Saturday we went to my mom’s so my love could mow the lawn and I could paint her bathroom.
I swore I would never paint another room again in my life, but my uncle replaced her shower and half of the room blue and the other half white.
So I had to paint the whole thing white, ceiling included.
The paint was clearly old, I’ve done about 900 coats and it’s barely passable. I was hot and sweaty and so so so angry, I maaaay have punched the wall a little bit.
Then I stopped having a tantrum and was elected to cook dinner. Per my mom’s request we had fruit pizza, egg salad and French toast. Not items that normally go together, but all delicious (if I do say so, myself)
Then I pretty much cried the whole drive home. Because it was a nice day and I was sad to leave.
Yesterday I had a really good night (like reaaalllly good, you know). And then I had horrible, scary dreams and was awake at 3 am. And then I had an anxiety attack and the last time I remember it being was 430. We set our alarms for 530 to go to the gym. But I woke up crying bc I was so tired and upset over bad dreams and anxiety and not sleeping well.
I said pleeeeaaaase 14 more minutes so my love made coffee to let my sleep. Then she came back and it had been 20 minutes but I just wanted five more. She wanted to change from gym to a walk/run so I said don’t go I’d be right up. Then I fell sleep again. And she woke me up again after another 20 minutes. And changed her plan again to watching Orange Is The New Black.
That plan was delightful, but then I spent the morning crying bc not only did I not go to the gym, but bc of me askng her to wait she didn’t get to do anything she wanted either.
Cry cry cry for no reason. Crryyyyyyy. Angry, anxious, upset.
I’m a woman, I’ve got years of practice riding the dragon” (Bernadette, Big Bang Theory)
Today is my SEVENTH day bleeding. That’s right SEVEN! My average monthly is about 4 days. This is bullshit. I have an appointment next Tuesday. Yeah, c u next Tuesday.
I’m not excited about the appointment, I’m pissed off and upset about all of the imaginary things that probably won’t even happen. I know I’m being irrational, but I can’t stop it. I want to tell her to fuck right off with her progesterone. It is doing nooooootttthhhhhiiiiiiing for my cycle and only succeeding in fucking up my head.
Also it’s a Monday. That generally means it sucks. Today should be a good day at work (my own craziness aside), but now I’m upset about tomorrow when  I’m there alone. I’m working an earlier shift, which I like, but there is a lot on the agenda including a very important Care Coordination meeting that I do all the time, but my useless, lazy, bitch face of a co-worker is coming in 4 hours late bc our boss is on vacation and she feels like it. Bitch, the reason you were supposed to come in was exactly bc he’s on vacation! Also I want to kick her in her face. I’ve been pissed off and overwhelmed about tomorrow for days and it’s stupid to waste my time over it. It’ll be fine, I prefer doing things alone and my way bc I’m a control freak, I’m glad she won’t be there, but if one little thing goes wrong tomorrow I’ll yell “See?! I told you so!” And I’ll punch her in the throat and no one will know what’s going on bc this is all in my head and I’m willing to go back to my plan of kidnapping a child instead of turning into crazy person every cycle.

6/11/15

Well, I’m still bleeding pretty good, but they told me to take my progesterone, so I started it today.
Hopefully I don’t turn in to a horrible bitch.
I love laying in bed and listening to the rain.
I don’t love living half a block from the river during a flood warning. Thankfully I’m up hill, but nature can be a real bitch.
I’m so tired, but my mind is just racing, even after Benadryl.
Also we’re halfway through The Wolverine (xmen) but my love was passing out so we went to bed even though I’m all hopped up on samurai.fights and how fucking sexy Hugh Jackman is lol.
I’m glad it’s raining, some of my plants were getting a little sun scorched. There’s a teensy tiny little pepper on my pepper plant!-and my spinach is coming in like a boss. I’m super stoked to see how everything looks after the rain.
Spinach, green beans, zucchini, peppers, tomato, cucumber, assorted herbs. Aww we should have planted eggplant!
We have four more kittens to rehome. One is named Regina George. She’s a life ruiner. She ruins people’s lives. She’s really not a life ruiner, but it’s pretty funny to hear that speech every time my love talk to the kitten. Then of course there’s MJ, Wade (after Deadpool-marvel comic) and Ava Fontaine.

image

Wade.
I see the dr whatever day is a Tuesday, I think the 23rd? I don’t want to spend the rest of my life adjusting meds. I’m willing to do it once, I think. But then I want action. I want to try, I’m tired of waiting. I want a med adjustment, progesterone increase I would imagine (or a different strain, last strain made me feel horrible but was very effective, this stuff makes me feel only a little horrible but is not at all effective from what I can tell).
Then I want a plan outline of some sort, what meds I’d be on, needed tests etc, so I my love can call the ins company and see what’s covered.
I haven’t even checked the availability of the sperm we want in a while, hopefully we don’t have to start our search process over again.
My manager at work retired at the end of May, so my work is very out of whack. The future manager is still on 3rd shift and is currently on vacation, as well as my Boss. So we are rudderless. But before she left the old manager said to “Keep this place afloat, you know they can’t do it. Manager doesn’t know how to do our job, Boss will be too overwhelmed”
She’s right. So I’ve been the unofficial manager, and will be for another week at least and then will start the training process for the actual manager.
At least they gave me a nice raise for my troubles. And a future program to run in which I can “do anything I want”. It’s nice to be wanted that bad.
Maaaaan, now I’m just thinking about all the paperwork I have to do tomorrow. And making sure everyone gets to the right appointments and groups and therapy at the right time but I think I remember everything now and it’s not so bad. The good thing about busy days is that they go fast.
I wish I never had to work again. I would gladly stay home, barefoot and pregnant for the rest of my life while my baby went to work. Some people aren’t that way, that’s cool, you do you but I want that!
Siiiiigh, my phone is “Too bright” and I have to go to bed now

Uuummmmm????

How does one know if one is spotting or having a period?
That sounds like a ridiculous question, like how do you not know. But I legit don’t. The fact that’s it going in three days leads me to want to just say period. But it’s so light. Like liners only. I’ve never had a period so light, nor have I ever spotted for so long. It started cd 18 so it could be a late ovulation or an early period. So my cycles go from mid 40s consistently to a 28 now an 18?
I’d just ride it out, but I’m supposed to start Progesterone tomorrow. But if it is my period I don’t need it.
And there’s no one at the drs office today to ask. Screw em, maybe I’ll just skip a month