a journey to familyhood

Archive for May, 2015

Progesterone

Well I got my period on day 7 of taking progesterone. Idk if I should or want to take the last 3 pills. I’m supposed to do 10 days and stop so I can get my period, but if it’s already here what’s the diff? My cycles went 45, 45, 27 (roughly, I don’t feel like opening ff) so that’s…whack. I’m either a crabby bitch bc I have my monthly or bc of the progesterone, but I think I’m just done with it for this cycle.

You know that horribly irresponsible girl that wasn’t even around to care for a cat?
The one who smokes weed every single day, all day long?
Who has said for years how she’ll never ever ever EVER have kids.
And how she was glad for the brief period she had a girlfriend that she didn’t have to worry about birth control.
And now that she has a boyfriend she really hopes the “pull out”method works bc she does NOT want to get pregnant?
And she knows you’re hoping to get pregnant.
And then SHE gets pregnant? And calls and texts your girlfriend repeatedly every day to talk about it. (And your girlfriend says you’re the asshole when you don’t want to hear about it)
And then she comes over WITH HER PREGNANCY TESTS and her plans to be mother of the fucking century. And she TAKES MORE PREGNANCY TESTS AT YOUR HOUSE just to show you and talk all about it.
And then you punch her in the throat?!?! Okay that part didn’t happen. But the rest of it pissess me off. I just find it extremely insensitive. Like, I wouldn’t want someone to hide it from me, or not be excited, but maybe have a teensy bit of compassion for other people out there that can’t just accidentally get pregnant. And don’t have three pregnancy tests sitting there staring at me.
She said she’s stopped smoking every day. And is switching to caffeine free soda and nicotine free vape. All of which I find amazing. Her boyfriend is almost 40 and is apparently ready to start a family and seems to be a good balance in grounding her flightyness. I hope this levels her out some and she continues to stay on the right track. I’m trying hard to be happy for her. When my love moved here from a different state this was the first friend she made. And I’m sure we’ll get to see the fella all the time.
Now that I’ve had a few days to dampen my rage I feel a little stupid about it, but I still feel she could have been a little more sensitive about it. (I don’t think she was trying to be insensitive, just an idiot)
Now I have to go buy all of the baby things!

It’s a secret that no one tells, one day it’s heaven one day it’s hell

Silence is Golden-Garbage
Holy water-Big and Rich
Bleed like me- Garbage
Limp- Fiona Apple
Face Down- Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Bleed for You-Hidden in Plain View
Bad Habit- The Dresden Dolls
All that I’ve got-The Used
Careful- Guster
Coma White-Marilyn Manson
How to fight Loneliness-Wilco

There’s a downside to being in a car for several days with not much besides your thoughts

Vacation Part 3: Minnesota

Part 1 Oregon (Recap: amazeballs)
Part 2 Cross country drive
Part 3 MN
Driving was amazing. Oregon awesome, Washington meh, Idaho AMAZING (minus going 80-90 up and down mountains, thought we were going to die) Montana was good. North Dakota was half great, we went to Theodore Roosevelt National something something and saw wild horses and buffalo! Then it got boring.

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Now we’re back in familiar territory of MN. It’s a little annoying knowing we’re so close to home but still so far away. But we have a lot of people to visit here and things to do so it’ll be good. We’re here until Monday. So far it’s just been nice to be out of the car! Idk where we are exactly Edina/Richfield who knows all this nonsense runs together and we went to a nice park and got to walk around a lake. It’s a beautiful day out! Walking and fresh air it’s so nice.
It’s been hard to remember to take my pills with how sporadically we’ve been eating. And all I want to do is have a nice home cooked real meal with real food. But tomorrow we’re having a cookout so that will be nice.Then we can go home and get back to normal life! For better or for worse. I’m waiting to hear from my dr about my next appointment hopefully it’s soon!

It’s official

I fucking love Oregon.
Big Daddy is nuts (and even though he’s never lived with My Love there must be strong genes in that family bc I see where she gets it from!)
We haven’t been in our house yet but I don’t even care, I’ll just stand outside and stare at the green and trees and mountains.
We went to the coast today. Now we went to Eugene where yay I have decent phone service.
The neighbor has roosters I want to murder in the face.
It’s so different here than the Midwest. My mom asked if I’d like to live here and I said yes, except that everyone I know and love is so far away.
But I can see myself living here for sure.it’s just amazing.

Welcome to Phoenix!

Next stop, Portland!
Flying isn’t so bad! Not bad at all!!
Well 5 minutes to boarding that was quick!
Okay, onto Oregon. Final destination Eugene

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Oooh pretty

HA!

Mean Girls is on and Gretchen just kicked the radio into Kevin’s face! Totally lost my train of thought!
I’m feeling a bit of…something. Frustration, annoyance, and yet, ambivalence? Over this whole process. I want to be annoyed and angry that it’s taking so long to get started up again and I just want everything to be ready to go and not sick in limbo. But often I just accept my fate that I’m never going to try again and we’re never going to get a baby. Which is silly. But if I overthink it it’s upsetting (that right there, probably the definition of overthinking).
I’m mostly just staying busy to not think of it. And the fact that my cycles are still well over 40days.
We leave on Tuesday for Oregon. I am SO SCARED to fly. So scared. Flying crashing terrifying death coffin. Wanna tell me I’m more likely do to die in my car? Great, we’re driving to MN to fly out and then we’re driving back from OR to MN! Death airplane death car death anxiety going to kill me before Tuesday!
Omg I’m so anxious. I really want to not be a pussy, buuuuut that’s not gonna happen. I still don’t know when we fly, where we fly into, I don’t even know how much the tickets were. We’re trying to pack only in carry ons. Idk how to pack for an airplane. So then I worry about everything. Like do I wear my glass or contacts. And then what do I do with my sunglasses? Maybe if I worry about everything now I’ll figure everything out and by the time I leave it all goes smoothly!
Then we come back and I have to make sure everything is ready for my grandparents anniversary party. The decorations are almost done, the pictures are almost done.

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I had the date wrong for the party and it’s a week earlier than I thought!But I’ll be done.
We planted a garden and some sprouts a while ago and it’s looking good! We have beans, spinach, onion and I thiiink a squash coming up. I don’t remember what else we planted lol. But hopefully it all comes up.

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Yesterday we put up the patio swing in the yard, brought out the fire pit, mowed the lawn, and sat outside reading. It was so nice. I’m reading.Cat on a hot tin roof and I Love it! And I get picked on for a reading a play and 2 taking notes while I do it. As she reads a book about the periodic table. Who’s the dork now?
We’ve been talking about having our nephew stay with us for a bit. He’s 10 and having a lot of trouble. He has really bad add and is on meds, but also has some depression/anxiety issues going on. My love blames his step dad who has always treated him differently especially after having a whole mess of his Own daughter’s. He’s out of school at the moment after starting a fire and saying he wants to kill himself. He’s wanted to stay for a visit and hopefully it will be nice for him to have something special all of his own and he can benefit from a visit 🙂
Lastly (I think) is this adorable little thing!

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He’s the last of the three kittens and he’s probably getting adopted out today. He is so sweet and fun and like the perfect little cat. Don’t worry, I neeeeever call him Widdle Kiddums. Never. A few other people fell through for him, but today should be his day and I’m totally going to cry, but he’s going to a good home and I can’t keep him so he needs to go before I’m even more attached!
Well, my love (who was not supposed to work today!) Just called to say that even though she’s already been gone for  7 hours she’ll be gone for like five more. At least. I’m so mad at her, even though it’s not her fault. So I guess I have to figure out the rules for whatever airline we’re flying as far as bag size and start packing. So mad at her. So anxious. But look at this sleepy baby how can I be upset

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