a journey to familyhood

Archive for December, 2014

Monday Monday

Firstly, happy everything (or nothing) to everyone, whatever’s your preference 🙂

Christmas was very nice. Santa is a real gem

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Also the “cat” ate half of my chocolates

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Allegedly.

Wednesday we went by my mom’s. I cooked while my mom went to church and then we all joined up for dinner. Then we played board games. One of my brother’s has been a real asshole lately, but he was excellent and it was so nice that everyone had a good time. My mom made all of us our own scrapbook for our dad who passed away. It was bittersweet. My asshole brother cried and hugged my mom, so i think it was very therapeutic for him.

Then on Christmas I worked 12 hours. I’m used to working holidays, it’s whatever, woo hoo for double time. But this year sad so sad to know that my love was home alone and I wished I was with her. So, fuck em, I’m not working next year!

Today I must be the strong one regarding the fact that we’re barren forever. My little princess found out that a coworker is pregnant and is pretty devastated. Every so often I get to tell her “another WordPress person is pregnant” “so and so had a baby” and she always tells me We’ll be there soon, we’ll get there, we’re going to have piles of babies. And she always just let’s the upset roll off. But this hit her hard and we’re never having baby and she’s upset. So even if I’m upset, too, today is my day to be strong for her!

I forgot when my appointment is next month but I feel like it’s foreeeever away. I’ve been doing shitty at opks and temping. I’ve been sleeping like .00000000000084% better, but getting up at ridiculous times. It makes it harder to remember to temp and to get all over the place readings.

Metformin and I still have an up and down relationship. This weekend was great, today when I’m back at work my stomach is bitched. But overall I think it’s better.

Yesterday we hiked 6 miles I think. We hadn’t been out since my love jacked up her ankle and we started where she went down last time. It was so nice, I thought we were done until spring but the weather was just so perfect for it. Of course we still go out over winter months, but the trail we’re doing I wouldn’t be comfortable doing in snow. I’m told we’ll be snow shooing this winter. Idk how I feel about that. We’ve also been going regularly to the gym! Woo, no fat tax!

I got my love the up24/jawbone(idk what it really goes by) but she’s super excited to exercise and shit. Lol whyyyyy did I do that?! Bc of course I’m dragged along. But no, I know it’s good. I’m just so not a fan of getting up at 5am to gym! Especially when sooomeone falls asleep in 10-18 minutes (according to the up) but it takes me hours!

I hope that by the time I get to my appointment I’ll have some diet and exercise to show for it.

I don’t make new year resolutions, but I do hope that 2015 will be my year 🙂

It’s currently ten pm. I’m trying to go to bed so that we can get up at 5am aand go to the gym. But instead I’m just having an anxiety attack. I haven’t taken any benadryl bc then there’s no way I’ll get up in the morning. But now I wish I had.

I didn’t take my metformin this am. I needed a break. I’m still taking it at night, but I wish I could have eased my way into it instead of starting hard and then having to back off. So in a few days I’ll go back and stay back at twice a day.

Sometimes I’m resentful at how quickly my love falls asleep. Granted she was up much earlier than me today. But I kind of want to kick her in the shins.

Another stupid girl I went to high school with announced her pregnancy today. And she’s like 5 or 6 months so of course there’s already a bump. And everyone commented about not knowing and she kept replying  that they were hiding it bc it was an oops and they weren’t expecting it and blah blah blah. But they’re excited about it now. I know everyone’s situation are different and I don’t really know what’s been up with her, but I was really irritated about that.

Oh, I hate anxiety! I know that I’m obsessing over the most ridiculous, irrational things, but I can’t stop it. And it hurts. I can’t just tell my brain to shut up or my heart to stop racing. I spent about a half an hour calculating and recalculating every bill I have against how many pay periods I have. It’s always the same answer. An answer that should make me… giddy? Not anxious!And every time I think will be the last time and I can sleep, but no. I just have to start over. I guess typing about it helps.

I’m kind of tired now, but I know as soon as I put my phone down I’ll just be back to anxious.

Omg Metformin is not my friend. I can for sure see how people lose weight on it, I’m so sick! But, on the bright side, it has yet to make me stupid, give me a seizure, give me migraines, make me crazy or make me want to punch anyone in the face! So I guess in comparison, I feel great!

Apparently it’s been a year since I started here, yay blogaversary. Also, boo. No baby. But there’s nothing I can do to change that, so I’ll just keep moving forward.

My extended family Christmas was yesterday. It’s always interesting. I have a cousin in New York City who works on the Food Network and met Angelina Jolie last week. Another cousin who lives in San Fransico and has launched several top App store apps and been written up in Forbes and partnered with Ashton Kutcher. Me? Weeeelll, I guess I collect cats? Also my grandpa teared up reminding me he’ll be dead soon and his hunting rifle and tree stand are willed to me. Grandpa! Shut up! But aside from that it was pretty fine.

My love proved once again why she is my favorite thing in the world. I couldn’t shop on Friday before work and was freaking out so she did almost all my shopping while i was at work. Then she got up early with me Saturday to do my mom’s shopping. We also put in quite a bit for her bc she was upset that she wouldn’t be able to get everything she wanted.

I hate M.S. I hate knowing that she can’t work anymore, can barely walk. She has to literally pick her leg up and place it on the accelerator to drive. That’s probably safe. I hate that she’s constantly fighting with insurance. And mostly I hate that there’s nothing I can do to help her. So if helping her buy Christmas presents is all I can do, then that’s what I’ll do. She was so relieved that she had spent so much less than she thought. Also I “misplaced” the receipt.

I’ve wanted for so long to give her a grandbaby. However, I’ve started to worry that my kids will be treated differently than my brothers’. She talks to my brother’s gf about baby names, but not my gf. I’m sure I’m being paranoid sometimes, but I’m just worried now that when I do get pregnant, I’ll be treated differently. I really want to have a baby before they accidentally do (they’re definitely not trying but super irresponsible) so that I won’t be comparing everything.

Aaaaaanxious

I played phone tag with the dr office for a few days and finally connected with the lady today.
I’m supposed to start taking metformin twice a.day to regulate my cycle. I’ve seen other people using it, I thought it was more for pcos, but sure, I’ll give it a try.
I didn’t start taking it today bc i already don’t feel well, I’ll wait till the weekend when I’m not working.
I have an appointment next month. I need to find out where my love wrote it down so I can tell my work.
I’ve been so anxious the last while. Idk how long a while is. Days, weeks, years! I took benadryl to help me sleep, but it wasn’t enough and now in past the point of being able to take another one without being groggy tomorrow.
It physically hurts though. My chest is killing me. I have no reason to be anxious. (Or every reason). I have to do my mom’s Christmas shopping, she isn’t having good walking days. I think that’s the biggest thing I’m worrying about now. I have to go tomorrow am and try to get her shopping done before work. But I’m so anxious I would much rather do absolutely nothing. I guess we’ll see what happens! I want to get up and start maKing lists of things I need to do and where I need to go, etc, since I can’t sleep, but that will lead to a very slippery slope of crazy.
I’m glad I finally connected with the dr office and am interested what this metformin is all about. I think after a week my period is finally done. Hopefully my next one isn’t too far away

Monday Musings

-Today is day six of my period. Clomid always stopped me when I took the first pill on day three. So this is the first time in months that it’s longer than three days. And with how long it took to get this time I’m cool with it just taking its time.

-We got our Christmas tree yesterday, and watched Home Alone. We definitely need more lights going to the outside, but I like it. And I agreed to get one of this soft, long needled trees for next year. No one got yelled at!

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-Then we went bike riding! We live in WI. One does not often have nice enough weather for that during Christmas tree time! However, we should absolutely wear wool socks and our horribly ugly boot/shoes in a fashion my love coined for herself as “dyking it up”

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I should have gotten a close up on the shoes, I remember it being so much worse yesterday!

-I agreed to work 2-12 tonight. It’s fairly quiet (until I just jinxed myself) but I’ll probably be pretty tired by the end. I’m apparently 906 yrs old, midnight is pretty late for me lol

-It was great to spend the morning with my girl, she could stay home until I went to work so we got to have breakfast and lunch together and we made cookies! If I asked her to she probably would have complained and not done it, but since it was her idea it was nice! And we played a video game. It was a very nice day.

-I keep forgetting to temp in the am, I’ve only been doing it like five or six days, but I’m already only at 50%!

-Annoyance/Rant. I have a bff, a wonderful girl. She’s always had endometriosis/cysts/tons of lady issues. Her husband had a vasectomy reversal and they didn’t check his sperm for a loooong time, when they did, it was bad news bears. She doesn’t temp, doesn’t do opks, doesn’t follow up with his drs or hers. I do not want to judge her life choices, but it’s so frustrating. And the main reason it’s frustrating is the Facebooking! Oh, our struggles, woah is us, blah blah blah! That’s what annoys me the most. I would love for her to get pregnant, but I’m honestly going to be pissed if she gets pregnant first. Bc that’s just not fair! There’s no reason they aren’t following up with anyone or taking any measures to increase pregnancy. If there were any reasons, fine. But no, God will let it happen if it’s meant to. A. Shudder. B. Fine, if you actually believe that, then STOP BITCHING ON FB!!! I can’t even talk to her any more about it bc it’s so frustrating. Okay, I feel better now.

-I am a Jeopardy CHAMP

-I got my opks the other day and today I realized that instead of 40 opks and 10 pregnancy tests I got 50 opks. Whatever. I’d rather have that I guess.

-I’m excited that it’s almost the new year bc then it will be tax return time. I hope not to use it, but it’s nice to know that if we have a lot more cycles it will be there. I’m not excited that I’m sure I’ll get new insurance. I wish I knew what it will be so I can make appointments in advance, but I’ll deal with it.

-I just want a baby. Omg.

Thursday

.Omg my head hurts. Stupid monthly.

.My monthly hasn’t been bad at all. Like with how long it took to get I thought it was going to be brutal.

.Amazon told me my opks were delivered today. I need to get some little cups.

.I started temping again when my period started. I kind of hate temping. Although it’s pretty much no trouble or inconvenience at all, it’s laaaaame

.I really hope my love got us a Christmas tree today. We’ve been supposed to get one many times but haven’t. I told her that all I want for Christmas is for us to get a tree and decorate it without her yelling at me.

.The girl is delightful but the girl is nuts. In the most endearing ways. Sure, endearing. For example. I hate doing laundry and I’m lazy. So she does laundry and I do the dishes. I’ve done the dishes for years. It still pisses her off the way I stack the dishes in the drying rack. Does it matter? No! Does she have to look at them, touch them, be near them? No! Am I still going to do it my way bc screw her? Yes! There are a lot of things like that in our house. And I just roll my eyes to myself but other people probably think we’re so crazy.

.So. I know she’s going to be …herself when we do the tree. So it would solve a lot of yelling at each other if she just did it herself! (The “right” way)(eye roll)

.Maaaaaaan, I’m not digging this headache! We took a wonderful walk this am and it was a great way to start the day, I wish I felt as good as I did this morning.

.I have intentionally not called for an RE apt, I was waiting for it to be too late for this cycle. And now I’m just lazy. Or working. I just didn’t want to make myself crazy trying to rush it.

.Last week we decorated my mom’s house and tree for Christmas. We have a few traditions that I enjoy and some I’m excited to do with my kids eventually. We listen to the Rudolph soundtrack, Burl Ives? While we decorate the tree. Only ever that cd and only while we decorate the tree. The same ppl get the tree and the same ppl are in charge of certain decorating. On Christmas eve you can open one present. For my brothers it’s always lounge pants to wear on xmas morning and we make a Christmas morning breakfast bake thing. Also my love I watch the Home Alone movies. The first one the day we get the tree and the second one whenever we get around to it.

.I’m sad I’m not pregnant for Christmas. But maybe this will be our last one without an impending baby!

Here’s my mom’s tree. Hopefully I’ll have my

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On cd 55 it’s finally cd1. With no progesterone (yay). I’ve never had a cycle this long before. It makes me not want an hcg shot again. I don’t have an re yet so I’m giving my cycle a break this time and hopefully it’s a much quicker turn around. Time to go buy opks though.