a journey to familyhood

Archive for November, 2014

Remember my period?

Me neither.
CD 42.
Bullshit.
Every day I think in going to get it, never do.
All my previous blood work was good, no reason my shit should be off. I never set anything up this cycle. I’ve taken an at home pregnancy test,(okay a LOT of them) various brands. All were negative. I tested out the trigger so long ago I don’t even remember how long ago it was. I last tested ….idk! Maybe a week ago. But I don’t want to see any more negative tests!
I just want my period! Everything is already set up for next time, just gotta play this stupid waiting game.
Are those cramps I feel? Probably fucking not.

CD38

Ugh. For realz.
This is my second longest cycle eveeeeerrrrrrrr
My temp was stupid low today but also my also was whack last night. Hopefully it’s a good thing though and it means I’ll get my period tomorrow.
I don’t feel like I will, but I want it! I don’t care that I’m not pregnant this cycle, I’m ready to move on to the next.
Every day I hope I’ll get my period. I ordered my drugs so long ago lol.
I also ordered ph balancing lube. Idk if it will matter, but I’ll try anything.
Little love follows me around telling me to grow her a baby. I’m trying!
I’ve been horribly anxious today. I already took half a benadryl, I’ll take more before bed.
Craft day was cancelled today for freezing rain and fog, so tomorrow we’re going to my mom’s for her bday presents and the Packer/Viking game. Aka an excuse to eat Buckeye Bark and bean dip!
Well, time to go rewrite the ending to my short story and cross my fingers that I get my effing period. Reaaaaaaaaaaaally getting sick of this nonsense.

Shawn/Timothy/Ezio

So, we’re at my mom’s house cleaning to prepare for craft day. Well, now I mopped my mom and I into a corner and my love is stacking wood on the front porch. And it’s snowing. I’m over winter already.
Anyway.
On the drive here we started naming our donor. Idk why, just for fun.
First of all, he’s adorable. My love picked him out, I never looked at a single thing until she was done. This was when it was all going in her. So she wanted someone who looked more like me. She’s blonde and blue/green eyed where as myself and donor are thick/curly dark hair and green/brown eyed.
Also, my grandpa factored in to things. My grandpa is the best man ever. My dad died when I was 20 but I hadn’t spoken to him since i was like 14. I know how he and his entire family felt about me. I hated him for a very long time. I don’t know if I still do or not. But my grandpa has always been there for me. After my dad died he cried and told me he would walk me the down aisle. Granted idk if he would still feel that way for a girl/girl wedding.
He always tells me stories about being in the Navy and taking trains around the country to different bases. After he retired from working he was a charter fisherman for years. He would always take me fishing and brag to his fishing friends about me.

image

That’s the best guy ever.
Aaaaanyway!
He is also very proud of the fact that he’s part Native American. So, with that in mind, and since our son will be named for him, she picked someone who had some Native American listed in his profile.
So we were talking about him and giving him random names, Sean and Timothy and Lucas. But then we decided he looked more Italian so we were trying to give him an Italian name. First she said Enzo, but that’s part of my brother’s name, so it was creepy. So we named him Ezio. Yes, after the Assassin’s Creed guy. (Cough, dork)
I hope that my period comes soon (it’s only a week late. Jerk) so that we can put Ezio to work. Then I hope there is still enough left that my love can still use him. I know we have a long way to go before that happens, but I think she would be so adorable with a little Ezio baby!

Still waiting

The other day I had a conversation with my sil that I was going to wait for either my period to come or a baby to fall out of me. And I’m still waiting. Still no period, still no reason to think I’m pregnant. My temps are stupid (rising when I’m waiting for them to fall and bring on my period) every month my temp drops and I get my period that day or the next. Except this one! I don’t think I’m pregnant and yet, my temp is stupid. Oh well, I’ve moved past crazy and am in over it, I just want to move on to the next cycle.  Soon enough.
I have one more cycle at the clinic I’m at now before they transfer me. And it sucks. The two other possibilities I think they’ll recommend that my ins covers are both quite the drive. If I had my way I would never drive again, so what are the chances my love and I are both of so she can cart my ass across the state in the middle of winter? I’m going to give myself an anxiety attack just thinking about that!
So we’ll see what this next cycle brings. Hopefully it’s a little-junior-son-of-a-bitch. Yup, that’s still his name.
You know what’s pointless? Zzquill. My love got me some in place of the Benadryl that hasn’t been working aaand it isn’t helping either. Also I need to paint my fingernails.
I need to get up early tomorrow to a craft fair with my mom and aunt. We’re also planning a Pinterest inspired craft day and cookie exchange for a few weekends from now. O.m.g. they called me five times the day they set up my aunt’s Pinterest! FIVE! They’re funny. I hit the button but the thing didn’t work?! Why doesn’t it look like mine does at home? What button do I push? How do we print?! Usually I had no idea what they were even trying to ask so I guessed and it worked lol. Now my mom and I just spend our days sending pins back and forth to get ready for our party!
My loves bff is coming from MN with her puppy, so she’ll come too. Now I want Carribou Coffee bc I though of Minnesota. And we’ll celebrate my mom’s birthday!
There are cats fighting outside my door. Shut up!
My work week was extremely busy with no hope of a let up any time soon, I’m so happy for the weekend. I wish my love didn’t have to work, we haven’t been hiking since she hurt her jankle, it would be nice to go again. But I also don’t want her to get more injured.
My co-worker let me borrow his food dehydrator, so that will be a fun weekend project! Also! My love got me a bread maker yaaaaaaaaay, so my first bread was a “bacon” cheddar jalapeno bread! Omg so good. And all the while she complained about the pointlessness of a bread maker and how she can make it by hand. Well, you haven’t made any in over a year, so shut up. Ooooh, maybe she’ll make me mini bagels though! I should start her a list.
I’m gonna have to start my movie over, it’s almost over. Ooor I can give up on sleeping and watch something else. Hhhm. Or I could go do the dishes. I’m pretty sure we ate the last of my bread for breakfast, now I’m sad. I need to go to …anywhere tomorrow and buy a crock pot for my mom for her birthday.
I’vE been extremely anxious the last few days (the cats are fighting again) and I started writing lists. It really helps. Really really really. But then I obsess about having lists for everything and I have trouble going through lists sometimes bc I get distracted or frustrated, but I have post it lists for tomorrow, but now I’m worried that I’ll forget to add crock pot shopping to it. Sigh.
I think this z-quil is making things worse! Usually I’m just anxious. Now I’m anxious and distracted. My love is a JERK who bought a 12pk of mtn dew but to make sure we only have soda once a week she kept it at her work. Not that I care, she’ll come home tomorrow and bring me one and I don’t even have to worry about it, but times like now it would be nice to have a shot of caffeine and be able to think straight for five minutes and sleep. Well not now, like an hour ago, then I’d be asleep already.
Well my movie just ended so I’ve got to start it over and try to sleep. Scoff.
Here’s to hopefully getting my period soon.

Monday Musings/12 dpo

Question! TWW and Sex? It didn’t really occur to me that it would matter, but does it? Like has my zygote trying to get in there and I’m, like, shaking it back out again?! Anyone?

I hate everyone today. Cat that wouldn’t shut up? Hate him. Fiancee late coming home late from work? Hate her. Coworkers? Hate. Clients? Hate.

Yesterday I was starving all day. STARVING! Like we would eat and my stomach would be actively growling during a meal. All day! Today I’m so full. I can barely eat at all.

Also there was tuna salad, egg salad and a shrimp dip at lunch! Any one of those things smell funky on their own, but all together? Vom

I’m waiting for my period. I’m crampy in a different way than the other day. And I have a stomach ache, which usually accompanies my period. I just have this weird fullness/pressure about me.

My poor princess broke her baby toe yesterday. I saw and heard her kick the coffee table. Then she threw things at me for staring at her with my mouth “agape”. It’s so ugly and black and on the same leg as her jankle so she has quite the hobble. Poor thing.

After two and a half years we finally finished painting our hallway and bathroom. It’s so great.

I finished reading Invisible Monsters this am. I really really liked it. Now I’m going to read The Catcher in the Rye.

I started calling my imaginary baby by his name the other day to try and convince him to exist and sick around.

My biggest annoyance is that my boobs don’t feel like anything. Which wouldn’t matter anyway bc I’d just wonder if it was a symptom or just pre menstrual. But for some reason I keep coming back to that, why don’t they hurt?

Ugh. Just ugh.

10 dpo

Holy cramping, batman! Oh man. Maybe my appendix is rupturing or something. What side is the spleen on?!
I don’t usually have cramps esp like this so maybe it’s a good sign, otherwise maybe the trigger just ready confused my business and now I get cramps.
On a lamer note, I was only entitled to one night of sleep. Seriously, is anyone an insomniac? I need someone to hang out with all night while I’m awake forever.
Last night at 1250 am I was first starting to fall asleep and I thought yeah, I’ll be the big spoon, so I go in for the snuggle and get smacked! “Don’t touch me, your hands are filthy!” No they aren’t, you’re sleeping! “Yeah, from going through all the receipts!” Someone was dreaming about work! She didn’t remember this am but thought she was pretty adorable when I told her about it.

Little victories

You guys you guys you guys!! I slept all night!!! Fell asleep when we went to bed, didn’t wake up during the night and don’t remember any dreams! I woke up half an hour before my alarm but I think it was bc I was actually rested. What a wonderful thing