a journey to familyhood

Archive for October, 2014

Can’t sleep

Too anxious. Over nothing. It’s too hot under the blankets and too cold out of them. My head hurts. My tmj jaw hurts. I hate the tww, but I don’t think it’s that making me anxious. Idk what is.
My phone kept trying to autocorrect my brother and his gf names to Chubby and Gasket, so that’s what I’m calling them now.
I spent an entire family therapy session day dreaming about being pregnant. It was so bad. Focus, make eye contact, pretend to listen…aaaaaand I’m gone again.
It was nice at work today my “superior” was gone so I actually got to do my job. I swear I as hired to be her babysitter. And I worked with my boss who I don’t think could handle the job himself and was so happy to pawn off everything on me. That’s right, I have value! So many meetings today and care plans and family sessions. And aside from the time I spent day dreaming it was a very fulfilling day!
And now I’m anxious.
And every time I turn around my gf catches me googling something! I gotta put a bell on her. Or I mention something about the tww. Or I mention something irrelevant and she thinks it’s tww related. And she tells me I’m crazy.
Maybe so. Must be nice to sleep so soundly! Jerk.
My mom has lost her mind on Pinterest! Omg. We’re having a game night this weekend and I was looking for something to make as a dessert and boom! Apparently she spent like the entire day pinning away. And then she texts me about all the things she finds. Thanks mom, I can see it, no you don’t also have to email and text me, no I don’t know what the notification you can’t make go away is, yes, I can still see what you’re pinning, no I don’t know your password, no I can’t see your Facebook, idk who you’re friends are or why they post stupid things, block them, idk where the button is mom just start pushing buttons, idk your passwords ask “Chubby”, if you turn off your ipad you will still be logged in to everything, no I don’t know the going rate for Walgreens pictures, I think you’re the reason I have migraines, I would imagine it’s telling you those apps need updating bc they haven’t been updated lately, no I can’t see what the problem is on a screen you’re holding in a different town, no a private msg won’t post to your wall, idk how to send one go to messages, it’s on the top of the screen, no not the globe the conversation bubble, no not the one that looks like people, idk why it doesn’t work. No you don’t need a new Facebook to use the laptop. I still do not know your password. No I don’t know what “this” is, I still cannot see you. Yes I got the pin you sent me.

Two Week Wait

Well, it’s finally here. And totally surreal. I feel…either extremely excited or absolutely nothing. I wonder how that will change over the next few weeks.
My plan was to not do anything. Not temp not test not overanalyze (ha!) Just sit quietly and wait for whatever will happen.
My love said “no you should still temp, I’ll look at it you don’t even have to” and that was all it took for me to keep temping.
It’s just an odd feeling, I knew I wouldn’t physically feel different, but I feel like I should be feeling something. The tests the pills the injections (the reaction to the obviously Latex bandaids in my backside, bitch nurse) it’s all very concrete. But now I’m all spermed up and the rest may as well be magic or the tooth fairy or something. Suddenly I game a feeling I’m going to hate this lol, I want to be physically doing something and able to feel that it’s working. But I’ve done everything I can and now I just get to wait!
I have walks to take, two short stories to rewrite and finish, nagging lists of chores to make my love of things we need done before our maybebaby arrives, dishes to wash, work to go to, family and friends to visit, Netflix to watch, photo editing to do for my mom, Christmas shopping to start, crafts to make.
What I’ll probably do? Lay here and wonder, , am I pregnant now? Am I pregnant now? Did you feel that? I’m totally pregnant, right? Am I pregnant? Am I pregnant now?
Last night we talked about the names we have picked out, three boys and three girls, we know the order we plan to use them, we both agreed to names we didn’t want in order keep ones we loved, it was nice to put that out there, let the sperm know what it was swimming for. Then my love went real low to my uterus region and she was bring all sweet and then she aggressively whispered “now swim you sons of bitches!”
My fiancee everyone, creator of moments lol.
Am I pregnant now?

Sunday Musings

1 Yesterday was my grandma’s 85th birthday party. Friday my aunt’s and moon and I went shopping and made a TON of food. Like soooo much food. It was a nice party and I played cribbage with my grandpa, I kicked his ass lol

2 My head hurts. Not a migraine though so that’s good. I’ve been taken Magnesium, per a neurologist, and I think this is the first time I’ve gotten a headache since I started taking it

3 It’s been so nice having a three day weekend and tomorrow I’ll either be refreshed at work or be miserable to be back

4 Tomorrow we have a very important Dr’s appointment, hopefully it’s everything we hope it is

5 I really want deep dish pizza, oooh I want the kind we good on my birthday

6 The stupid hose keeps falling off my washing machine and I’m not fixing it, there are spiders back there!

7 My poor poor baby girl has a hurt jankle! (Janky ankle, ha) She hurt it like two years ago and spent months in physical therapy and crutches and braces and reinjuring it. Well we were 4 miles into our 10 mile hike today and I heard her trip and turned around and knew it was fucked again. She just sat there crying. I had an ace bandage and her ankle brace in our backpack, but it wasn’t enough for her to walk on. So our friend rescued us and took us back to our car. And I’ve been keeping my love R.I.C.E’d since we got home. She’s very upset that we didn’t do our hike, but seriously, nothing we can do about it. I just hope that she’s better soon and doesn’t need more physical therapy and can fix the washer soon! My poor little princess.

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8 One of the biggest pet peeves I have is when people hold their utensils like cave people. O.M.G. act like a respectable, civilized person and hold your fork properly!! Whew okay, I feel better now

9 My love just told me 1 in 2000 babies are born with a tooth! That really really creeps me out! I don’t really know why, it just really does.

10 I just forgot what I was going to write

11 We seriously have no food, we’ve been planning to go shopping since Thursday and for reals there’s noooo food here

12 I need to remember to ask the dr about meds other than Clomid

13 I need to go Google where the clinic is

14 Oh yeah, we made a friend today

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I named him Barnaby.

No more Clomid

Yay fucking yay. Stupid mo fo son of a bitch stupid medication.
I feel fucking horrible tonight and I never ever ever ever ever
E
V
E
R
Want to feel this bad again
I don’t remember how long it takes to feel better after the pills are gone but I hope it’s soon. I have a busy weekend and week coming up. Ain’t nobody got time for such nonsense!
Maybe if I can get some sleep tonight it will help. I’ll hold my breath on that one.

“Doubtful”

That is the word my fiance used this morning to describe her feelings on this cycle. AFTER we bought sperm.
Half of me says Yay wet bought sperm!!!!!! The other half says holy shit that’s So Much MONEY!!!!
She’s lucky I’m less Clomid crazy today.
Is it okay that I told her to lie to me? Don’t follow me around with your negativity, that’s gonna make me doubtful and jinx the whole thing! Jackass.
When it was her on the other side of it, I did my best to not overwhelm her and not be freaking out with excitement and give her false hope. I DO know the odds, I’m doing my best to balance the reality with my fantasy about how great it could be.
So she better get it together and fake it something bc I really need her support!

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“Clomid meltdown”

Apparently “Clomid meltdown” is a moderately common Google search. And really quite accurate. I’m trying very hard not to cry right now. Not to scream at everyone in sight. Not to hyperventilate. Not to continually text my love and tell her how horrible i feel. Not to tear all of my skin off with my fingernails. Not to smash my phone through a window. Not to just go somewhere dark and take a nap. Not to walk out of my job. Not to hit anyone.
I feel like I’m being torn apart. My chest hurts, my mind hurts, my skin hurts.
We went hiking again yesterday but this time I felt worse. I just wanted to cry. And lay siren in the woods and never come back out. Beautiful fall colors, birds, fresh air blah blah BLAH! Then as I walked behind my love I thought “hey, she’s cute, I bet she’s nice to snuggle, what if I picked up that rock and threw it at her stupid head” and that’s a little bit crazy. But to be fair I can remember like 5 times in the last few weeks when she’s said “what if I spit on you? Omg I totally almost just punched you! What if I pushed you down the stairs? And so on” Thankfully she only says crazy things, doesn’t do then! Psycho. My plan is to sit here, way in the back room, and hope no one talks to me. It’s barely over 3 hours left, that’s all I have to sit here for, literally not doing anything just physically existing, but I don’t know if I can do that! Right now in this minute I know there’s no way I’ll make it to 8. For no reason, I just won’t.

I. Hate. Clomid.

Yesterday I was starting to hurt again. What hurts? EverytHing. Every once of my body and heart and mind and soul. All I could do was lie in bed and cry. For no reason. Just something about my cycle makes me feel horrible.
So my FIANCE (still great) had to go to work for an hour and I knew she was not pleasant when she left and when she came home I was crying on the couch she was even less pleasant. She was upset that I was upset. So I pretended to be feeling better.
She is such a good listener and caring and wonderfully understanding. But sometimes I just can’t talk to her. It’s not her fault and I don’t want her to think it could be, or that she can’t make me happy. I am so happy. I didn’t know that I could be so happy, like for reals. I didn’t know that I would keep realizing how much more I loved her all the time. It amazes me. I’m disgustingly excited to be married and have fat squishy babies.
But that didn’t stop me from falling apart yesterday. But then we went on an 11.8 mile hike and it only took a short while to actually feel better. We could talk about fun things, the day was beautiful, the colors were beautiful. It was amazing. It was a segment of trail we hadn’t done before so it was really fun. There was one part where we had to walk through a town to connect with the trail on the other side and I kept bitching about how I was dreading it so as soon as we got to town she started singing 99 bottles of beer in the wall and we sang the whole song all the way through town to make it suck less.
We barely made it back to the car in daylight. It was such a horrible day turned in to such a fantastic day. I don’t know what I would have done if I felt so bad all day. By the end I didn’t even remember the am.
But of course last night night I couldn’t fall asleep and when I finally did I had nightmares. My love woke me up at done god awful time, 4?5? To leave for work and then I was sad when I woke up alone at a more reasonable hour. And couldn’t get the dreams out of my head.  I hit my snooze a lot in the am, but instead of sleeping my brain kept going to every deep dark horrible corner it could find, oh snooze, okay new traumatizing thoughts for 3 minutes, snooze,.traumatizing, repeat. Enough already!
I don’t want today to feel like yesterday. I can’t do this for the next 5-? Days. I want to enjoy the happiness and smile for no reason and not lie in bed and cry. I don’t want my love sad and frustrated bc she can’t help me. I’M not doing this. It’s my stupid body teaming up with this stupid drug to fuck with me. And there’s nothing I can do about it.
I’m going to attempt now to take a shower, make breakfast and take it to my love at work. Aaaaand idk what else. My only plan was to chill today, maybe write (but what I’m writing is too depressing) watch the Packer game, but I can’t just sit around, I’ll go crazy. I just need to stay busy. And I really hope this Clomid is worth it.
http:// Guster   Careful: http://youtu.be/V__pnGyRetE