a journey to familyhood

Archive for September, 2014

People are jerks

It’s a sucky cold rainy day and it’s perfectly reflecting my mood!
I had a wonderful weekend with my beautiful girlfriend, we went hiking and to a train museum so I could ride a train for the first time!

image

I didn’t smoke while I was at my work conference! Ooooh I wanted to. Being with a smoker and drinking with a smoker made it hard. My gf told me if I ever smoke to just not tell her. I (think) could have one cigarette and be done. I KNOW she can’t, so there can be no temptation. So even though I was no where around her and had the opportunity, I couldn’t do it. She called me an idiot and said I should have done it!! But nooooo, I want babies more than I want a cigarette. Blah blah blah.
It was nice to be away for a few days and super nice to come home. We watched the Packer game and made apple crisp and watched a lot of Desperate Housewives.
But I still can’t sleep. The only night I could sleep I was drunk. And that happens about once a year so I don’t think I can count on that for a remedy. This morning I was up for some 45 minutes or so around 230. I’m tired when I go to bed but I can’t fall asleep and when I do then I can’t stay asleep.
I’m trying very hard to stay out of a slump. I have no reason to be unhappy, I just kind of am.
I’m tired of temping and testing twice a day and tired of feeling like I’m doing this by myself. My gf is (allegedly) in this just as much as I am, but she rarely talks about it. I was so happy this weekend when she let get guard down twice! First  she told me she couldn’t sleep without me and missed me terribly when I was at the conference. Then while we were hiking she started telling me about how badly she wants a baby and she’s sick of waiting. It was not nice to know she was sad or feel dissapointed I haven’t given her a baby yet, but it was just nice to hear that she really does want this. I tried explaining that I need to actually hear it now and again, but idk if she understands.
I think a lot of people don’t understand. And if they don’t I wish they would stop talking to me about it! I have two friends that I’ve talked about this whole process to. And both of them on the same day asked about how it was going (They asked Me) and when I told them (temping, opks, clomid, bloodwork, emails/phone calls) they both told me something to the effect of “it will happen when it happens” “whatever is meant to be will be” Seriously?! Maybe they mean well, but to me that’s such a bullshit comment, it’s patronizing and a conversion ender. If you’re going to ask me then don’t shut me down with that ridiculousness. I’m not just sitting here waiting for a baby to fall into me, I’m doing everything I know to do. I’d rather just not talk about it at all then have to feel like people are just going to condescend to me about it. If you want to talk about it, fine, but don’t pat me on the head like I’m a child and tell me “it’s gods will”. No, no, no.
Also I had a coworker (who is a compete idiot and knows nothing about me) go on and on about a girl who had a “miscarriage or an abortion or something, but that’s neither here nor there because she wasn’t married”. I walked away mid conversation.
I’m trying to distance myself from a lot of people, people who are my closest friends, bc they just can’t understand. And I’m trying to not distance myself from my love because even though she doesn’t always show it, she’s in this as much as I am. She’s had failed iuis, negative pregnancy tests, she’s my partner, I can’t push her away bc I’m feeling blah, that’s not fair.
I think I missed my positive opk. I have a hunch when I ovulated but I didn’t get my crosshairs yet. My hunch isn’t good enough though and it’s frustrating. But I knew this wasn’t going to be easy. I try not to be a Debbie Downer, but I’m just sick of these people. I would rather just do this alone and come back pregnant like yip, here it is, nice and easy.
I’m sure they don’t even realize how much they’re sucking right now, but it’s really really getting to me.

Sure!

Come on in my room, Mike, don’t mind the paraphernalia

image

One Lovely Blog

image

Thank you to LezBVeganMoms for the One Lovely Blog Nomination. When I first started this journey I figured there were probably people out there that I could relate to, but I didn’t know where or how to find them. I’m glad I’ve started to find this community of strong, wonderful people.

The rules:
Thank the person who has nominated you. Provide a link to his/her blog. (I’m sorry, I can’t do that on this phone!)
List the rules
Include 7 facts about yourself.
Nominate 15 other bloggers and let them know that the have been nominated.
Display the award logo and follow the blogger who nominated you.

Seven Facts (oh boy)

1) I have four younger brothers. They can definitely be jerks, but they can also be fun, funny, intelligent, talented, strong. I have always been proud to tell people how smart they are. I would do anything for them, as the oldest that’s been my role, my personality. I guess I’m a “helper” in general, but for my brothers it’s without a doubt, no questions asked. I’ve been hit for them, went hungry for them, put myself in precarious situations, sacrificed more than I care to admit. I don’t think they even know and I don’t want them too. What they know is that I’ll always be there for them no matter what. Even when they’re assholes.

2) I have always had an…obsession almost with languages. Since I was very young I’ve been looking at books on sign language, Spanish, and French. I’m not fluent in any of them, but I’m always getting better and I find it very fun.

3) I have horrible anxiety. Horrible. There was a period of almost two years around 2010 where I couldn’t check my bank account. Even thinking about it now makes me feel anxious. Idk what was so special about that time as opposed to any other anxious time in my life , but those two years were awful. I never knew if my rent was being paid or my power would be shut off, every time I went to the store I panicked that my card would be denied. In a way it was excellent bc I was so afraid to run out of money that I was extremely frugal and saved a fuck ton of money. When I finally got up the courage to check my balance I actually cried with relief.

4) I don’t like chocolate. Don’t get me wrong, if you gave me a bag of m&ms I wouldn’t give them back, but I wouldn’t eat a chocolate cake or ever actually seek chocolate out. My mother says I can’t possibly belong to her.

5) During college I fell asleep to the Stephen King movie “storm of the century” every night. I could quote the entire thing right now. My girlfriend hates that movie so now every night we sleep to “13 going on 30”

6) I don’t like odd numbers or uneven things (OCD) when I eat something I have to chew exactly the same on each side of my mouth. I like cooking but I hate dividing the food in case something isn’t exactly even, it makes me so anxious, so I often am not in charge of plating.

7) I have four cats. Bailey Miriam Mushu will always be my fat little princess baby girl. Owen is a slut. He’s beautiful and he knows it, he doesn’t care who you are you WILL love him. Idk Chickens real name, she was a foster cat who has become permanent, she’s mean and will also answer to Handbag. Dinosaur is also a now permanent. He’s a big stupid baby who has become the alpha cat and my girlfriend has fallen in love with him. I think she loves him more than she loves me.

So, those are some things. I’m supposed to nominate 15 people, but I think that everyone I know has already been nominated. So if you’re reading this and haven’t done it, here’s your nomination! But seriously though, you guys are all great and I’m glad to be a part of it.

image

Projects

Yay, we had a productive weekend. Next week is my conference (drunkference?) I’m actually pretty freaking anxious about it. I’m anxious about everything these days. And I can’t sleep again. Still?
Unless one of us is working, we go to bed together every night. Usually my love has to get up early so we don’t get up together, but we do go bed together. Unfortunately, she has no problem falling asleep. And snoring. But even if I’m tired, I can’t fall asleep. I’m surprised that she doesn’t yell at me more when she’s asleep and I can’t just lay still. Last night I came very close to dropping my phone on her face. Like I actually dropped it but managed to catch it at the last instant.
Even with the tired and the sucky dreams, we still got stuff done this weekend.
First we organized a big closet. Over 50% of the stuff GONE!

image

image

Then we finally got the counter back in the kitchen

image

image

I like how shiny it is! Also I like that my counters are all clear now! I don’t have to feel claustrophobic anymore.
And finally our pallet shelf in the bedroom. (I made it but I don’t like it) hopefully I grow to like it

image

(It’s not as crooked as it looks)
And I happily have a bedframe. I also like it because it’s shiny!

image

image

image

So now I have to pee so that I can’t pee again for the next four hours. And I have to buy more opks. And some benadryl so I can sleep again.

I have so much wisdom

More advice! if you’re going to send inappropriate text messages to your girlfriend, make SURE that you double and triple check the name before you send it!!
Everyone in my life has a name starting with M. Now, I was lucky this time and DID send the right person, but when MIKE texted me “Nice!” Let me tell you, my heart stopped!
So now get name is surrounded by ❤ ~°~ nonsense to ensure that I don't make that mistake going forward!
This has been your Friday public service announcement

Silly silly girl

My silly girl has off work today and she gave me permission to write her a honey-do list! Who does that?! Idk what I’m gonna do, write me a list. Okay!!
Sadly, I drew a total blank!! There were some smart ass comments about all my nagging finally paying off, but everything I’ve been asking forever I couldn’t think of. So I did my best lol

image

Let’s see how much stuff is done when I get home! I’m not feeling very optimistic! But she did finish our bed frame a while ago and we built a shelf for our bedroom so hopefully the momentum will keep her going!
Side note. I just got a text that said “I have something embarrassing to show you the next time I take my pants off” Wow. So many things that could mean. My guess is that she only shaved one leg but omg now I’m afraid to go home lol.
My head has decided to be broken again. I finally wow up without a headache and everything was fine and then I started feeling the ice pick stabbing me in the temple.
Another side note! Yay, I got an email from Netflix that the Fosters season two is available now!
I’m working to get everything in order for my training, I’m hoping my love will come up on Thursday if she can get off work and we’ll see the price to stay another night. I hope it works out. Our anniversary is next month so if we can’t do much with work or whatever at least we can hopefully have a nice getaway weekend a little early.
Oh my God I can’t look at my phone screen it’s making me sick. Whatever else I had to say couldn’t be that important.

My advice to everyone

Never ever ever ask “when was the last time I said something crazy?!”
Bc you’ll be sitting there for a loooong while! Lol
That’s all 🙂