It’s a sucky cold rainy day and it’s perfectly reflecting my mood!
I had a wonderful weekend with my beautiful girlfriend, we went hiking and to a train museum so I could ride a train for the first time!
I didn’t smoke while I was at my work conference! Ooooh I wanted to. Being with a smoker and drinking with a smoker made it hard. My gf told me if I ever smoke to just not tell her. I (think) could have one cigarette and be done. I KNOW she can’t, so there can be no temptation. So even though I was no where around her and had the opportunity, I couldn’t do it. She called me an idiot and said I should have done it!! But nooooo, I want babies more than I want a cigarette. Blah blah blah.
It was nice to be away for a few days and super nice to come home. We watched the Packer game and made apple crisp and watched a lot of Desperate Housewives.
But I still can’t sleep. The only night I could sleep I was drunk. And that happens about once a year so I don’t think I can count on that for a remedy. This morning I was up for some 45 minutes or so around 230. I’m tired when I go to bed but I can’t fall asleep and when I do then I can’t stay asleep.
I’m trying very hard to stay out of a slump. I have no reason to be unhappy, I just kind of am.
I’m tired of temping and testing twice a day and tired of feeling like I’m doing this by myself. My gf is (allegedly) in this just as much as I am, but she rarely talks about it. I was so happy this weekend when she let get guard down twice! First she told me she couldn’t sleep without me and missed me terribly when I was at the conference. Then while we were hiking she started telling me about how badly she wants a baby and she’s sick of waiting. It was not nice to know she was sad or feel dissapointed I haven’t given her a baby yet, but it was just nice to hear that she really does want this. I tried explaining that I need to actually hear it now and again, but idk if she understands.
I think a lot of people don’t understand. And if they don’t I wish they would stop talking to me about it! I have two friends that I’ve talked about this whole process to. And both of them on the same day asked about how it was going (They asked Me) and when I told them (temping, opks, clomid, bloodwork, emails/phone calls) they both told me something to the effect of “it will happen when it happens” “whatever is meant to be will be” Seriously?! Maybe they mean well, but to me that’s such a bullshit comment, it’s patronizing and a conversion ender. If you’re going to ask me then don’t shut me down with that ridiculousness. I’m not just sitting here waiting for a baby to fall into me, I’m doing everything I know to do. I’d rather just not talk about it at all then have to feel like people are just going to condescend to me about it. If you want to talk about it, fine, but don’t pat me on the head like I’m a child and tell me “it’s gods will”. No, no, no.
Also I had a coworker (who is a compete idiot and knows nothing about me) go on and on about a girl who had a “miscarriage or an abortion or something, but that’s neither here nor there because she wasn’t married”. I walked away mid conversation.
I’m trying to distance myself from a lot of people, people who are my closest friends, bc they just can’t understand. And I’m trying to not distance myself from my love because even though she doesn’t always show it, she’s in this as much as I am. She’s had failed iuis, negative pregnancy tests, she’s my partner, I can’t push her away bc I’m feeling blah, that’s not fair.
I think I missed my positive opk. I have a hunch when I ovulated but I didn’t get my crosshairs yet. My hunch isn’t good enough though and it’s frustrating. But I knew this wasn’t going to be easy. I try not to be a Debbie Downer, but I’m just sick of these people. I would rather just do this alone and come back pregnant like yip, here it is, nice and easy.
I’m sure they don’t even realize how much they’re sucking right now, but it’s really really getting to me.