a journey to familyhood

Archive for April, 2014

“Work”

And by work I obviously mean I have done Nothing besides watch a “Hoarders” marathon.

And get paid to do so.

As lovely as that is, it is boring and makes me sore to do so little! So hopefully the neighbors haven’t been watching me stretch and jump around.

It’s nice to have a moderately stress free day though. My love will be losing her job probably next week. Nothing she can do about it, her house is closing and the people living there are moving to a different company. So things are a bit up in the air at the moment. She has three jobs, but this is her full time money making, insurance providing job! (And my part time job). So she’s looking for a new path. I know the uncertainty of things causes a great deal of anxiety, but I’m very confident in her to find the next thing. I don’t want her to settle. I’m not worried about the money, I’m worried about making sure she has insurance whenever she gets pregnant.

So until then! She can be in charge of cat boxes, painting the bathroom and hallway (after almost two years!) and finishing the bed frame she’s been working on forever! I HATE not having a bed frame it’s making me crazy. This girl, omg. I love her, it’s adorable when she has a “project”, I KNOW she’ll have a job before any of them are complete lol. Sweetness if you’re reading this I’m sorry, lol, you know it’s true and i looooovveeeeee yooouuu!!

Despite the work hiccup, we’re still planning to try again for a baby. And we’ve got a few weeks to see how job search is going and how her anxiety is. I will try to remember to by more opks!

I’m super annoyed at my body and my chart this month. I’m hoping that I get my period in like a week (?) and am able to have a better month in May. Hopefully I can start sleeping better and get better temp readings. I guess only time will tell, but I’m working hard to get my body on track and keep it on track! Hopefully it acknowledges and plays along!!

This weekend was sad. I knew it would be but I still wasn’t entirely prepared. So now we’re in the pre-two week wait two week wait! I’m excited about it. New job, new cycle, New mindset. It’s hard for me to be in this role. I don’t know how to explain it. Being the one to ….”push the plunger” and attempt to impregnate her was super super empowering! Like that’s a big power trip lol. But it’s still so surreal. And it makes me feel powerless to know that I can’t do everything.

I can’t stop her job from ending or get her another one. I couldn’t get her pregnant. Eventually I won’t be able to keep trying. I don’t know how to keep my own body on track let alone another person’s body!!

Some people believe in a higher power, I personally don’t. I don’t believe in the universe rewarding good people or punishing the bad. I do know that it’s incredibly hard to set aside or work through the negative thoughts and adopt a more positive attitude/outlook. But a lot of things are incredibly hard. A sad weekend or a bum cycle won’t stop me from being excited to try again!

Sad Saturday

Bfn….mixture of sad and numb and hoping she won’t get get period this weekend and there’s still hope. But really I’m just trying to plan for next cycle. Laaaaame

Freak Out Friday

My poor beautiful baby girl…she’s having such an anxious night 😦
I went with her while she was working (one of the jobs) we drove specimens from the clinic in town to the clinic twenty minutes away.

The night started fine, she picked me up from work and we went grocery shopping and bought a the pack of pregnancy tests. Then we decided to treat ourselves and get Cherry Berry.
Then we had to go to the clinic and she started freaking out. And then it started getting worse and worse.

It was so sad, I hate seeing her anxious and crying and not being able to help her. She had more than one call so we had to keep driving back and forth as she was crying, then we’d get to the clinic and she’d pull it together and it was so sad.

She made me promise that everything was okay and we didn’t have to test tonight. I’ve been going back and forth about testing. She’s supposed to get her period tomorrow, but we were going to test tonight anyway. But the package said fmu was best so if she doesn’t have her period in the morning hopefully she’ll be okay to test.

We came home and she curled up on the couch with the Big Bang Theory and took a Benadryl to help her chill. And I’m watching her sleep like a creeper.

Also there are three cats sleeping on us. And that’s not even all of them. Only two are ours, the others will go back to their irresponsible human whenever she has steady housing and income. Crazy cat people.

I guess tomorrow will tell. Either we’ll test and get an answer or she’ll get her period and we’ll have our answer that way. I wanted testing to be fun and special so I’m glad we’re not doing it now when she feels so bad

Things I love

The asshole cat who is snuggling with me and holding my paw.

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My pretty princess who just threatened to backhand me
Her beautiful laugh
Mountain Dew (we only drink soda once a week and it SUCKS)
Thunderstorms

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House, Grey’s Anatomy, The Big Bang Theory, Modern Family, Rocky Horror, Pitch Perfect
Assassin’s Creed, Army of Two, Grand Theft Auto (I suck at video games)
My pretty nails

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The fact that I can’t remember the last time I didn’t have flowers from my baby girl

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Sleeping
Snuggling before and after sleeping
More sleeping
My beautiful sparkly ring
Sitting by the river

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Gardening
Smoking. Camel Menthol Lights. We both quit in October. Sucks.
Camping.
13 on House is pretty hot
Kissing
Family Game Night with my mom and brothers
Playing the piano
Playing the piano at work today instead of actually using to do work
Talking about babies with my love

Things I do not love: spiders, migraines, waiting to know if my girlfriend is pregnant or not

Things I love

The asshole cat who is snuggling with me and holding my paw.

image

My pretty princess who just threatened to backhand me
Her beautiful laugh
Mountain Dew (we only drink soda once a week and it SUCKS)
Thunderstorms

image

House, Grey’s Anatomy, The Big Bang Theory, Modern Family, Rocky Horror, Pitch Perfect
Assassin’s Creed, Army of Two, Grand Theft Auto (I suck at video games)
My pretty nails

image

The fact that I can’t remember the last time I didn’t have flowers from my baby girl

image

Sleeping
Snuggling before and after sleeping
More sleeping
My beautiful sparkly ring
Sitting by the river

image

Gardening
Smoking. Camel Menthol Lights. We both quit in October. Sucks.
Camping.
13 on House is pretty hot
Kissing
Family Game Night with my mom and brothers
Playing the piano
Playing the piano at work today instead of actually using to do work
Talking about babies with my love

Things I do not love: spiders, migraines, waiting to know if my girlfriend is pregnant or not

Wednesday. Or, I’m losing my mind

I seriously canNOT do this. I’m losing my mind I’m nit in control of my emotions I’m stress eating everything that is in this house.
Today is our day off together so that’s a yay. We’re having a Grey’s marathon bc we’re sooo behind. Did some house cleaning. Now my house smells AMAZING bc my pretty princess is making oatmeal raisin cookies. Bc she’s amazing.
And in the mean time…I’M FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!!!!
I think she told me she’s 10 DPO. So even though I know better and have been resisting, I’ve been online looking at everything I can find.
(Short break bc Grey’s Anatomy is making her cry)
That right there.
-Crying
-Sore boobs
-Headaches
-Backaches
-Cramping
-Really freaking crazy sometimes
-Smelling things that I can’t smell
-Dreaming when she wasn’t before
-I can’t remember any more
Seriously everything that she has done or said today I’ve been like HMMMMMMMMMMM! Isn’t that curious!
And it’s bullshit bc everything is either am early pregnancy sign or a pms sign and we’re not going to know until we know and it’s never going to come soon enough and its going to be horrible.
I can’t wait. I seriously can’t. But I will but this is horrible bc I’m going to spend the next two days trying to make her pregnant with my thoughts and I can’t breathe and how do people do this?!
How are we going to do this Every Month. Every time I look at her I KNOW that she it’s pregnant and that I’m going to be happy forever and we’re going to be happy forever.
And then I look at her and I know she’s not pregnant and I’m heartbroken.
I don’t know what to do or think or say or do or think or Anything!
Loooooooosing my MIND!!

waiting

Well, it’s Tuesday. Yesterday was a rainy and wonderful and today is sunny and wonderful. That’s spring for you. I wouldn’t be surprised if it started snowing lol. I’m just not excited for the headache that i know i’m going to have today. I only started having seasonal allergies a couple years ago. Except for lilacs, i’ve always been allergic to lilacs. Of course there’s a nice big lilac bush right outside the door at my work. and the always open kitchen window. And allergy headaches don’t play nicely with migraines. Nothing plays nicely in my head, everything will trigger a migraine. Weather, food, doing too much, not doing enough.I hope i don’t get a migraine! i want to enjoy this beautiful day.

My love has been having headaches too. She’s 8/9 DPO. Headaches, Lower back ache, sore boobs, I don’t know what any of that means. I’m going to try very hard to not look anything up, to not think about any of it. But every time she says anything i think OOOH!!!! And then i wonder if it’s just wishful thinking. Her temp had a dip today. Which could just be a dip, or could be an implantation dip, or could be that i mentioned it to her and then her body reacted.

In like 3.5 days we’ll test. and it will either be positive or it won’t. and then over the weekend she should get her period. so even if we get a negative if she doesn’t get her period there’s still hope. And even though we’re still days from testing I’m already trying to rationalize the results.

I still don’t know if I ovulated. It’s annoying. Really really stupid annoying. Like really fucking pissing me off. Fertility Friend started me off a nice path of Oh this is going to be really easy…nice steady temps then a clear rise at ovulation and then back down for my monthly. Now my temp is bouncing all over the place, I don’t know why, I don’t sleep well, maybe that’s it. I have to disregard many of my temps because i get up too early, I fall asleep and sleep to late, I don’t get 4 hours of sleep in a row. And then the stupid opks…ugh! i can’t get a positive. I don’t want to test at work, so it’s hard to have enough time in the morning and now I’ve given up on testing at night because i fee like i’ve missed and i don’t want to waste all my tests. I should probably go online and buy a bunch of cheap tests. If I can’t get a handle of my ovulation after next month I’m going to start taking Vitex. I’m worried it will give me migraines though.

We both plan to carry. I’m older, but she happened to ovulate properly this time. I don’t care who goes when, i just hope that at some point it works out for both of us to be pregnant. I don’t know how we’re going to feel after this weekend. If she’ll want to try again right away or want/need to wait (or for how long), or if my body will wake up and i’ll be ready to try soon.

Three more days