a journey to familyhood

Reflecting

1 year ago I lost my beloved kitty

1 year ago we did the ici that gave us our daughter

Today our money came in for ttc#2, of course my pcos monthly came last week, so we had to take a cycle off

I wonder what next year will bring

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There was a period of time, a short period, where things were not great. Or good. Or tolerable.

I was afraid for my wife and my family. I worried she was spiraling into a pit of post partum she couldn’t come back from. I never worried she’d hurt our daughter, but i absolutely feared for my wifes safety.

She was having trouble with her milk supply, i can’t remember if she’d gone back to work yet, the baby was SCREAMING her life away, not yet dx with reflux and a dairy intolerance.

And our baby was new, our lives were totally different, things were difficult. There was a lot of crying.

The top off came one night, i came home from work, my wife and baby were in bed. Both awake. Baby was screaming. Wife was just laying there. I asked what was up, she shrugged. I asked if the baby was hungry, she shrugged. I asked if she was going to do anything with the baby. “No.”

That was it. I asked if she was going to do anything and she just rolled away from me.

I knew this night was going to be the make it or break it. I didn’t know what to do or what to say. Who does not attempt to console or feed a screaming baby. (*i fully support letting a baby cry over rather than taking out your frustration on them!!!*) I picked up the baby and she immediately stopped crying and fell asleep. (I did have a bottle for her, but she never woke up to eat).

So i left my wife there and took the baby by my mom to watch baseball.

 hate baseball. So i sat there forever not giving a shit about baseball, holding my beautiful sleeping baby, trying not to cry in front of my mom, and worrying what to do.

My wife is often crabby,  periodically depressed. But this was more, and much worse.

Do i be super nice and coddle her, do i give her a kick in the ass? Do i do nothing? Call her dr?

Eventually i went back to her, she was still laying in bed, but not asleep. And still not talking to me. I decided to give her my best “kick in the ass” speech.

Of course i don’t remember exactly what i said, but it was something along the lines of this is hard for all of us, a new to all of us. And things are going to work a lot better if you work with me, not against me. It’s okay to be frustrated and sad and angry,  but it’s not okay to just give up and do nothing. If you want to sulk and have a pity party, fine, you get one freebie. Cry, be  angry, talk to me if you want or ignore me if you want but this is it. Have your pity party tonight and show the fuck up tomorrow.

 Then i left her there and slept in the recliner crying with my baby. And it was over.

The next day was better and every day since then has been better. Things are really good now, life is really good.

Our baby sleeps in her owm room now in her big girl crib! At 3 months old!! I miss her so much at night lol.

But anything that has come up we’ve dealt with. You have to. It’s just life and some times life sucks. But for a little while that night i didnt know if this was something we would be able to deal with. It was months ago and i still think about it occasionally. It was by far the most difficult part of my parenting journey to date, and i just had to get it out.

Post RE

We’re fresh from our RE appointment, and I’m happy with it. It was basically the plan i figured it would be.

My left tube is blocked, which we knew.

So I’m going to start on 7.5 of Letrozole, have an ultrasound to see if I’ll ovulate on the right.  If no, we do nothing and wait a cycle.  If yes, i do a trigger shot and and insem 36 hours after that. Probably progesterone suppositories (which grosses me out)

I am worried that Letrozole wont be enough, but it’s a starting point. 

The good news is i can do much of the bloodwork and ultrasounds locally. The bad news is it’s a 2 hour drive for insem. But that’s only once a month (or 2 months for left side ovulation)

They do want to do a 3d ultrasound before my next cycle, just to see what’s up. And do an egg reservoir check.

We have to go through our finances, apparently we somehow waste a LOT of money a month. We can probably do 2 cycles out of pocket. But it’s cheaper do buy sperm in bulk, pay less in shipping and have the clinic store it. So do we get a loan and go all out and not have to risk taking time off to save again? What if we take a month off and that’s the month i ovulate on the right? 

We’ve done this whole process out of pocket so far. But i feel like we should take out a small loan and just go for it.

This place is amazing. Every single person was so nice, genuinely friendly, and not in a way that made me hate them lol! I’m so glad we’re going here. The biggest thing they did was to give me hope. If i didnt know better, their positivity would make me think a month or 2 and I’ll be pregnant. Of course, i do know better, but at least now i think it could happen. Shit, maybe even it can happen.

Also here’s the baby i already have 

Naps

My meep is 11 weeks old today. For the past 2 days we’ve been doing something a little different….nap time!

Usually she’s being held or you just lay her wherever and she sleeps through anything. But lately I’ve noticed her being fussy, overstimulated and overtired.

So the other day i took her into the bedroom, dimmed the lights swaddled her and sang her a song. When the song was over i put her in the mama roo with her soothie, still awake. I left her eyesight and she fussed, immediately losing the soothie (she’s horrible at the soothie and usually only uses it at grandmas)

I popped the soothie back in her mouth and as soon as she saw me she passed out. And stayed that way for almost 2 hours!!

Success!! This has been replicated 3 times!

Sometimes it’s better if she can see me, sometimes not. I always sing to her. I always offer the soothie. My wife has yet to try (my thought being she’ll just want the boobs)

We’re working on her cues, and what habits we want to face breaking in the future,  I’m excited to learn about and with my daughter.

I wish she was better at napping for my mom while we’re at work, she’s suddenly decided she has to stay awake or she’ll miss everything.  But then, of course, cue the overtired and overstimulated.

But for an 11 week old with 2 days of practice I’m pretty damn happy!

RE

I have an appointment scheduled with an RE on the 27th.

For real, people, I’ve been poked amd prodded and scanned and ultrasounded with the best of them. Nothing new. But for some reason I’m really anxious about this!

Probably bc he’s gonna say I’m overweight and have pcos. Which i know already know. And I’m afraid he can’t help me.

But i really want more babies. And my wife is willing to have more, but i want to, too!

I want Rayne to have a pile of siblings, relatively close in age. Ideally multiples! I dont understand people who are anti multiples!  Or act all *gasp*, what if you have twins!? Um, sweet! Of course just one baby is so hard at times, but i think we’d manage.

We have a perfect,  beautiful daughter. If she’s the only child we have, i will spoil the shit out of her and love her endlessly. If we have more kids, I’ll still spoil the shit out of her and love her endlessly.

There’s a level of less urgency now that we have her. There isn’t the same amount of pressure of being barren forever. But still, there’s still the anxiety of wanting more and not being a functioning woman-person.

2 months

Acid Reflux

My meep was dx with acid reflux today.

She’s been in a pattern of SCREAMING for 12 hours, followed by sleeping for 12 hours.

My poor sweet sweet baby! So i spent the morning trying to comfort her until my wife could relieve me, i went to work she went to the dr.

They prescribed her meds of some sort but said it could take 10-14 days to really kick in. I so hope they’re wrong.

Her favorite thing is to be in the face down colic hold, bouncing and walking. My mom (her weekday babysitter) can only walk with a walker, so she’s SOL. I feel so bad for my mom. Luckily she just has to get through tomorrow and then one or both of us are home until next Monday.

My wife is still eliminating dairy, and some other suggestions from the dr, we’re doing probiotics and gas drops, tummy massages and stretches, and wrapping her with warm towels (ooooh she loves a warm wet towel on her belly!)

The great news is that in the last month she’s gained 1lb 5oz! She still goes back on weds for her 2 month checkup and shots, but it was nice to hear a little bit of good news

(A bit of not screaming)