a journey to familyhood

Big Girl

Grandma is teaching her to say “Up” A few times we think she said “hi”. Mostly she is super quiet all the time with the exception of “OP!” “OP!” Which makes sense now that we know grandma is teaching her Up. OP can mean UP or look over there or dog or drink or YOU HAVENT LOOKED AT ME IN FIVE SECONDS AND I NEEEEEED YOUR ATTENTION ASAP QUICK LIKE!!

It’s adorable, I love OP. (Remind me of this later when it’s irritating af)

Biggest change for Big Girl is the end of breastfeeding. My wife has been pumping less and less, and that meant using our freezer stash instead of building it. But as a few days ago babes started screaming when offered the boob.

She was a good morning boob taker, she still drinks from her bottle, just not later in the day. Rigid body, fighting, screaming bloody murder.

Then yesterday she stopped altogether, no boob.

My wife is sad, but understanding. Why make them both miserable by fighting it? But it’s still sad to have their special connection be altered. And feel rejected.

But she’s letting us know that’s not what she needs, she he’s plenty of calories elsewhere, we do have formula but are also experimenting with various milks, goat and soy. She doesn’t like them yet, but usually she doesn’t like anything the first few tries. We’ve also been giving her water to make sure she’s hydrated.

Maybe we cried yesterday that our baby isn’t so baby any more.

She wouldn’t let me take a picture of her with her adorable sippy cup. She’s also crabby bc she’s cutting a tooth. But still adorable



I can’t believe this kid is 10 months. She’s perfect. We’ve started planning for and making decorations for her party. Invites are ready to be mailed. Saying ten months yeah that’s close to a year, but realizing it’s May and her bday is in JUNE?! That’s crazy.

It kills me all the way dead that we don’t have another one yet. And that we have to wait for sept to try more. But it is what it is.


A) it’s spring in the Midwest. Which means it’s 3rd winter/construction season/spring/locusts/bullshit season. Which means my head is killing me. I canNOT with all of these weather systems. Which means I need help from a primary dr which I don’t have

2) I was visiting with a friend who recently started meds for anxiety & depression and she was talking about how amazing she feels now. And I was intrigued.

D) I have been avoiding setting up an appointment with a primary bc it’s so overwhelming, but I feel like I’m close. And it’s equally scary and good. Idk how to walk in an say “hi, I’m barren, I have migraines, I have anxiety and depression stemming from ptsd, add, eating disorder, arthritis, please just turn me into glue and dog food!” Maybe I’ll just ease my way in and start with the migraines.

4) my wife was talking up her Dr but I just can’t do it, I need a female dr. She assures me he’s old and harmless, but until she was talking him up I didn’t really realize how much I could not be trapped in a room with some guy. I work primarily with men, I’m alone with men all the time, but Nope.

5) my wife has offered up her uterus for another baby. In fact, she’s offered it up 3 more times!! I love her. But she wants to get back to her prepregnancy weight and do a tough mudder first. Which means she’s dieting and working out. My brain does not do that. My brain is screaming at me to STARVE all the time. I was anorexic for 4 years, then bulimic for another 2. I’ve never considered myself “in recovery ” bc j never thought of it like that, but I suppose it’s true. But I feel like at any moment I’m not going to be able to fight it any more and I’ll be right back there. For literal years I lived on saltines and Diet Pepsi. I can’t drink Pepsi anymore bc of aspartame, but when they changed their recipe to aspartame free my first thought was “fuck yes!” I know it would be easy. I know j could get away with it. I know there are people saying “if you have the self control to do that, then you have the self control to diet and/or exercise ” and maybe my problem is worrying what people think? But I can’t do that. I know that about myself, that isn’t how I process. I know I’m rambling, but it just seems the more my wife talks about her fitness life, the more a part of me starts to panic. And she tries to understand what’s going on, but it’s not like I want her to not tell me about her life. I just have to be able to be a normal human without backsliding like 12 years but I don’t have the resources to do that.

H) April is Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. Obviously it means a lot to me. I post things to social media, and plan to continue all month. I try not to do more than a couple a week but I want to keep it out there over the course of the month. I have actually had people ask me “why do you bother” and it makes me want to bleed from the ears. A) I can say whatever the fuck j want on my own social media and 2) BECAUSE IT MATTERS! I work 4 days a week, I would say 4x a week my boss mocks the “me too”movement. And I could staple an explanation to his forehead and then bludgeon him to death with the stapler and he still wouldn’t get it. I wish I worked with better people.

?) my aunt and cousin have long talked about quitting their jobs and opening a bakery, i wish they would I would join them in a heartbeat!!

/) my wife gets up at 4am for work, but I like her so I usually go to bed with her and then lie awake for hours. Luckily she has a sleep mask and I have her headphones so it works out. Tonight I’m actually getting tired though (after 2 hours) so that’s good

%) my friend is making me go over tomorrow for waffles. I tried getting out of it bc of depression but she just promised heavy blankets and coffee and grey’s anatomy so I guess that’s a good friend to have 🙂

I’m also working up the courage to talk with a tattoo artist about my next tattoo which would also be a cover up of self harm scars. My wife got one done and I can tell how much better she feels about herself

Here’s my kid as a reward for either reading or skipping to the end. It feels good to have gotten some things off my chest.


So about 2 days (ish) after my last post (about how my kid doesn’t “talk”) she flipped her communication switch and has been nonstop ever since!

My uncle told me that all 1st time parents are morons. Maybe a smidge harsh. But I was so relieved to hear those wonderful babbles.

She’s nailing the baba dada lala sounds! She also waves and says “Hi” when greeting people! Whaaaaat, I didn’t know a 9 month did that. I also don’t know any other 9 months olds.

I’m so proud of her.

9 month speech review

My babe will be 9 months in Friday. Holy shit did time go faaast. Like, that’s almost a YEAR which is almost 2 years which is almost 10 years and in a matter of seconds my squishy little meatball is a middle aged woman.

She is the best thing in my life. Hands down.

Our pediatrician sent us a 9 month review: motor skills, communication, etc. for most sections she was an A student. However, there is one section that she sucked at:


Idk what’s normal for a kid her age. And I’m hoping that the pediatrician will give us the ole “every kid is different, she’ll get there”. But based on their questions, and based on what I’ve noticed in passing from other smallish children, her communication is not there.

A) she is quiet most of the time. I wish she laughed more (even though she’s ALWAYS happy). Where other kids babble or squawk or whatever, mine just sits there quietly

B) when she does “talk” it’s usually when she’s eating (80%) and it is pterodactyl screaming. High pitch, top of her lungs, screaming/shrieking until she’s red in the face. There are no mamama dadada bababa no consonants- just the pterodactyl.

C) she’s whispered a few times. It’s the cutest fucking thing you’ve ever heard. But rare.

Is this a normal thing? We try to talk to her so she repeats us, no go. If you scream at her she’ll scream back, but consonants are met with silence. Is she just lazy? We know she can hear, but could she not be hearing well enough to understand the sounds? Maybe in a month I’ll be so annoyed with her speaking in full sentences and being super advanced lol. But for now it worries me!



I suspected, but it still hurts. 😢

This kid: is learning to snuggle (something I never realized was a learned process and was sad she didn’t do), can pull herself to standing, has a tooth

8 Months/Post IUI 4

My wife and I have been…not ourselves lately in our relationship. Easily irritated , quick to snap, distant. It was awful. I think my wife still has lingering post-partum depression. I have all the time depression, anxiety, ptsd. It’s hard enough going through life against yourself. Feeling like you’re also agains your person, or they’re against you, is just awful.

The worst part is that all day long we would email or text and it was loving and sweet and everything was fine. But within minutes of being around each other it was rough.

I also have been having nightmares for almost a week. I would fall asleep okay I guess but wake up terrified and exhausted, or in a full blown anxiety attack. It sucked.

This weekend we both had off (an every 4-6 week occurrence) and it was amazing.

I feel like I have my best friend back. We’ve been talking, more importantly: communicating so well. Laughing and joking with each other. Sat together on the couch. We even played a video game together (until my rage at being so inept made me want to break things).

It was like our relationship was reset. I will do everything in my power to keep this vibe up. Idk why we were at each other throats and idk why this weekend was so amazing, but I appreciate it. I also slept well and nightmare free for two nights.

This weekend was also IUI #4. So far the least painful. But even now laying here I feel like I can feel ovaries working. Idk what it really is, left over cramping, but it’s irritating as shit lol. (I’m also a little scared there’s something terribly wrong with me and I’ll die in my sleep)(there’s not, I’m fine) My wife is hopeful, I’m trying not to be so the disappointment isn’t too great, but I’m trying to do visualizations as much as I can. Positive vibes.

Our perfect baby turned 8 months this past week. She’s been working on a tooth for almost a week and is not a fan. She started waving at her grandma (tbd is she really knows what she’s doing). Her love of food is expanding, as well as her skill in eating things. She had pasta for the first time and a pancake!

So if course I made a giant mountain on tiny baby banana pancakes just for her. We break it all up into as choke free as possible, but I did let her try getting a bite of then pancake all by herself And she was sooo proud of herself!!

We also took a nice long family walk with her and the dog and found a little park for her to swing at! She loved it!! She even laughed! (Something almost always reserved for the dog and the dog only)

I fucking love that kid. I want so badly to give her brothers.

And as much as I can’t wait to see how cute she is with her little tooth finally through, and watch her keep getting more cheeks and necks as her love of food grows, i feel a sadness for not enjoying her more until this point! Once that tooth comes through my tiny baby will never again by my toothless baby. Is this a normal parenting crisis?!

Isn’t she the most perfect? Maybe IUI #4 will be lucky and I’ll grow her a perfect sibling. Or maybe we’ll wait until the fall and my wife will still be willing.

I’m just stalling now. I was asleep before i posted this update but woke up unsettled. I don’t want another nightmare but I feel it’s very connected to the pelvic region pain/discomfort following an IUI.

If this does fail, I’ll be grateful for two things. 1) I’ll have money again. 2) I’ll have my body back again. It’s not a particularly good one, rarely does what it should, isn’t very well maintained, but we get by! And it’ll be nice for a while to not fuck with it. Not meds, no added hormonal nonsense from the meds. No poking and prodding. Hopefully less anxiety.

Going through this process our bodies aren’t really our own, our time isn’t our own. I’ll enjoy that break. After a tense final 2ww that is…