a journey to familyhood



I suspected, but it still hurts. 😢

This kid: is learning to snuggle (something I never realized was a learned process and was sad she didn’t do), can pull herself to standing, has a tooth


8 Months/Post IUI 4

My wife and I have been…not ourselves lately in our relationship. Easily irritated , quick to snap, distant. It was awful. I think my wife still has lingering post-partum depression. I have all the time depression, anxiety, ptsd. It’s hard enough going through life against yourself. Feeling like you’re also agains your person, or they’re against you, is just awful.

The worst part is that all day long we would email or text and it was loving and sweet and everything was fine. But within minutes of being around each other it was rough.

I also have been having nightmares for almost a week. I would fall asleep okay I guess but wake up terrified and exhausted, or in a full blown anxiety attack. It sucked.

This weekend we both had off (an every 4-6 week occurrence) and it was amazing.

I feel like I have my best friend back. We’ve been talking, more importantly: communicating so well. Laughing and joking with each other. Sat together on the couch. We even played a video game together (until my rage at being so inept made me want to break things).

It was like our relationship was reset. I will do everything in my power to keep this vibe up. Idk why we were at each other throats and idk why this weekend was so amazing, but I appreciate it. I also slept well and nightmare free for two nights.

This weekend was also IUI #4. So far the least painful. But even now laying here I feel like I can feel ovaries working. Idk what it really is, left over cramping, but it’s irritating as shit lol. (I’m also a little scared there’s something terribly wrong with me and I’ll die in my sleep)(there’s not, I’m fine) My wife is hopeful, I’m trying not to be so the disappointment isn’t too great, but I’m trying to do visualizations as much as I can. Positive vibes.

Our perfect baby turned 8 months this past week. She’s been working on a tooth for almost a week and is not a fan. She started waving at her grandma (tbd is she really knows what she’s doing). Her love of food is expanding, as well as her skill in eating things. She had pasta for the first time and a pancake!

So if course I made a giant mountain on tiny baby banana pancakes just for her. We break it all up into as choke free as possible, but I did let her try getting a bite of then pancake all by herself And she was sooo proud of herself!!

We also took a nice long family walk with her and the dog and found a little park for her to swing at! She loved it!! She even laughed! (Something almost always reserved for the dog and the dog only)

I fucking love that kid. I want so badly to give her brothers.

And as much as I can’t wait to see how cute she is with her little tooth finally through, and watch her keep getting more cheeks and necks as her love of food grows, i feel a sadness for not enjoying her more until this point! Once that tooth comes through my tiny baby will never again by my toothless baby. Is this a normal parenting crisis?!

Isn’t she the most perfect? Maybe IUI #4 will be lucky and I’ll grow her a perfect sibling. Or maybe we’ll wait until the fall and my wife will still be willing.

I’m just stalling now. I was asleep before i posted this update but woke up unsettled. I don’t want another nightmare but I feel it’s very connected to the pelvic region pain/discomfort following an IUI.

If this does fail, I’ll be grateful for two things. 1) I’ll have money again. 2) I’ll have my body back again. It’s not a particularly good one, rarely does what it should, isn’t very well maintained, but we get by! And it’ll be nice for a while to not fuck with it. Not meds, no added hormonal nonsense from the meds. No poking and prodding. Hopefully less anxiety.

Going through this process our bodies aren’t really our own, our time isn’t our own. I’ll enjoy that break. After a tense final 2ww that is…

Fuck It

Once more down the rabbit hole.

(One small glitch with the cryobank hopefully to be resolved Tuesday, leaving me anxious until then but also if I’m taking the pills for nothing, it’s not that big of a deal. Then it just wasn’t meant to be.)

24 Hours


That’s the timeline for IUI 4.

I’ve spent the last hour crying while my wife is smiley and optimistic and positive trying to reach a decision.

I want to. She doesn’t.

Yet, somehow, in the last hour we decided to go for it. And now I don’t want to. And she does.

She fell asleep and all I want to do is wake her up and tell her No, it’s off.

If we do it she’ll be resentful of me for wasting money bc we know it won’t work. If we don’t it I’ll be resentful of her for giving up on me.

She says we’ll go back and try again, but I don’t think we will. I told her she’s hogging all the good uterus, we laughed. I’m still crying. Even if we go through with it I feel given up on.

Deciding to try again should be a positive thing, not a negative. I feel like my soul has been put through a wood chipper. I feel like I’m less of a person and never deserve to get pregnant. I don’t know why suddenly all of this is coming down on me, but it’s awful.

My wife signed up for a Tough Mudder in August, so she’d try again starting in September.

Even if I do have a baby for us someday, she’s still the primary uterus. Something she said she’d never do she’s the best at. I’m glad she changed her mind.

I love her. And I love our perfect child. I asked tonight if one perfect child was enough and got a “fuck no!” Before I could even finish my question.

Eventually we plan to do a reciprocal ivf. That was nice to think about.

Maybe sleeping on it will somehow make things clearer.


We’re still deciding on IUI4. Mostly I want to do it, my wife doesn’t. But also I don’t. But I think I’ll be resentful if we don’t.

Guess we’ll have to decide ASAP.

On happier news, my baby is the cutest fucking thing ever and she started crawling




Halfway there. I had my progesterone done today. It was 8.55.

I was bummed to see it so low.

I’ve been doing vaginal suppositories twice a day since Friday. So I continue to do so.

This is lower number yet. Disheartening