a journey to familyhood


My mother in law is doing…well. Considering.

Basically, she was in the hospital, they found all of her cancer and sent her home and told her to come back in a few days for radiation.

Then they called her and said “oh you don’t have insurance, don’t bother coming back”

The End.

No further conversation, no other numbers to call, NOTHING.

Are you KIDDING me with the fucked up healthcare system we have?!

Idk how that’s legal.

Her husband is Native. He sends any health bills to the tribe and the tribe pays it. They tell the hospital the hospital says Too Bad.

Idk how that’s not some sort of discrimination.

But anyway….

She was just sitting at home. Dying.

Finally FINALLY my sisters-in-law called an ambulance and took her to a different hospital.

The hospital said if they hadn’t 911’d her she’d have been dead by the next day.

I was waiting by the phone, crying in the bathroom at work, waiting to hear she had passed.

Her cancer was described as “racing up her spine and into her skull” she had one compressed disc a week ago and now had three. She had hypercalcemia and liver failure.

After two days of her wasting away at the hospital they said She’s going to die without treatment. But she’ll probably die with treatment. And she was unable to consent to treatment.

And then the next day she woke up.

And consented to treatment. And began IV chemo that day.

And she’s been doing AMAZING ever since.

They moved her to a transitional facility to do therapy and work to get back home safely. Her back is so FUCKED I have no idea how she can get out of bed or move or function.

They gave her 1-3 years…if she is strong enough to keep getting the chemo (and maybe radiation? Idk if the dr changed their mind or my sil’s misunderstood the dr)

1-3 is….something….idk? It’s fucking terrible if you think of someone who should have lived 20+ years longer. But it’s 1-3 years longer than we thought. It gives people a time to process, a time to grieve, a time to spend time and make a few more memories, hopefully introduce a few more grandbabies, etc.

I said something to my wife about who knows where they’ll be in 1-3 years and she snapped on me that “they’re not gonna cure cancer in 1-3 years” Right, but…even if it’s 3.5 or 4 or who knows years …that could mean seeing her oldest grand baby graduate high school. She has so much left to live.

I 100% support a persons right to consent to treatment, or to decline treatment. I hope however long she has is as comfortable as possible. And I’m so THANKFUL that she has been able to start treatment and perk up and speak to her kids and LIVE instead of having a sore back and being gone from this terrible cancer in a matter of a few weeks.


Adorable baby bc she makes me not want to cry all day

You guys…my mother in law is dying. Probably soon. It’s so heartbreaking. My wife is going about her days, as if all was normal. Bc that’s what she needs to do. But eventually she’s gonna crack. The loss of my father was nothing compared to this loss. Idk how to help her through it.

Today we found out my mother in law has cancer.

Believed to be breast which spread to her liver and bones.

She mentioned last month that her hips/back were sore. She was going to her chiropractor and not feeling better so she finally went to a dr and has a compressed disc.

And cancer.

As far as I know they haven’t talked about treatment or prognosis, they’re still running CT’s and biopsy’s.

We’re going to MN to visit this weekend, so hopefully they’ll have more information by then.

My wife and her sisters just keep saying “how did this happen?” And it’s such an unfair question. She’s in amazing health, only eats from the farmers market and walks miles a day, swims at the Y. But cancer doesn’t care.

My aunt passed away from breast cancer. I took her to her treatments, it was an impossible thing to deal with.

I can’t imagine having to say “My mom has cancer” and now that’s my wife’s life. And of course Dr Google is a fucking dick with terrible looming statistics and realities which we shouldn’t be looking at until we hear from the doctors.

My wife is wrecked, but still has to work a double shift tomorrow and has a job interview. So I was strong while she sobbed with me earlier and now I’m crying in the bathroom while she’s asleep.

I don’t know how she’s going to handle things. Her go to is usually to shut down and/or lash out. I think the worst part is all of the unknowns.

Will there be a few years of treatment and time to process (as much as one can) or will it be much much sooner?


One Year

In a little over 24 hours my meep will be 1! We have my cousins wedding tomorrow so I figured I’d post tonight instead.

But what can I even say?! It’s all so surreal. Maybe I get emotional when I think about it! At the wedding they’re having cupcakes for the people with birthdays and they’re gonna sing happy birthday! I get teared up thinking about it!

It was such a journey to get to her and the last year has been just incredible. She was just a lump and now she’s a real people!

She walks and does sign language and eats regular people food. She’s a ham. She laughs and is goofy. She’ll occasionally give kisses, which makes them all the more special when they come. To snuggle she’ll rest her forehead against yours. She likes the Chipettes singing All the Single Ladies. And some annoying song about a Gummy Bear that is perpetually stuck in my head. She has a Winnie the Pooh at her grandmas that she naps with and talks to. She understands Spanish. She plays video games with her mama. Her absolute favorite thing in the world is construction workers. And lucky for her, our road is being repaired this summer. Kid is in HEAVEN. She sleeps probably 13 hours a night. Plus two naps for another 4 hours a day? She never fights sleep or naps. She has actually a towel, a bug white fluffy towel with a polar bear face that she snatched up one day and shoved in her mouth, snuggled with and has slept with every night since.

I think my wife and I are chill parents. We’ve never been “smotherers” or overly worried. People compliment or laid back approach, but it’s not like we try lol it’s just how we are. If she falls, that’s life, she gets back up. If she fucks with the cat, he’ll bite her face. She learns not to fuck with him, he learns to move his lazy ass away. It drives my mom crazy that we don’t intervene.

Not to say that it’s easy or without issues. I wish my kid talked. It worries me. But eventually she will and I’m doing anything I can to help her learn. Some days, especially with my wife, she’s clingy for no discernible reasonable. But I guess it’s hard to be a baby.

She’s such a good baby.

I love her so much.

I love my wife so much. Just for who she is, but also for giving us that kid. I think that even with the stresses that have come up over the last year, we’re both coming through better and stronger people and with a stronger marriage.

In a few months we’ll be trying for Baby 2. We always say her “brothers”. I can’t imagine having another perfect baby. Could we really get so lucky again?!

I feel like things are only going to speed up from here. As much as I’m excited for new milestones I’m trying to remember to enjoy the moment! I’ve spent so much time today looking at pictures of her as such a tiny babe and I can’t believe she was ever so small!

She is the best thing in my entire life.

Big Girl

Grandma is teaching her to say “Up” A few times we think she said “hi”. Mostly she is super quiet all the time with the exception of “OP!” “OP!” Which makes sense now that we know grandma is teaching her Up. OP can mean UP or look over there or dog or drink or YOU HAVENT LOOKED AT ME IN FIVE SECONDS AND I NEEEEEED YOUR ATTENTION ASAP QUICK LIKE!!

It’s adorable, I love OP. (Remind me of this later when it’s irritating af)

Biggest change for Big Girl is the end of breastfeeding. My wife has been pumping less and less, and that meant using our freezer stash instead of building it. But as a few days ago babes started screaming when offered the boob.

She was a good morning boob taker, she still drinks from her bottle, just not later in the day. Rigid body, fighting, screaming bloody murder.

Then yesterday she stopped altogether, no boob.

My wife is sad, but understanding. Why make them both miserable by fighting it? But it’s still sad to have their special connection be altered. And feel rejected.

But she’s letting us know that’s not what she needs, she he’s plenty of calories elsewhere, we do have formula but are also experimenting with various milks, goat and soy. She doesn’t like them yet, but usually she doesn’t like anything the first few tries. We’ve also been giving her water to make sure she’s hydrated.

Maybe we cried yesterday that our baby isn’t so baby any more.

She wouldn’t let me take a picture of her with her adorable sippy cup. She’s also crabby bc she’s cutting a tooth. But still adorable


I can’t believe this kid is 10 months. She’s perfect. We’ve started planning for and making decorations for her party. Invites are ready to be mailed. Saying ten months yeah that’s close to a year, but realizing it’s May and her bday is in JUNE?! That’s crazy.

It kills me all the way dead that we don’t have another one yet. And that we have to wait for sept to try more. But it is what it is.


A) it’s spring in the Midwest. Which means it’s 3rd winter/construction season/spring/locusts/bullshit season. Which means my head is killing me. I canNOT with all of these weather systems. Which means I need help from a primary dr which I don’t have

2) I was visiting with a friend who recently started meds for anxiety & depression and she was talking about how amazing she feels now. And I was intrigued.

D) I have been avoiding setting up an appointment with a primary bc it’s so overwhelming, but I feel like I’m close. And it’s equally scary and good. Idk how to walk in an say “hi, I’m barren, I have migraines, I have anxiety and depression stemming from ptsd, add, eating disorder, arthritis, please just turn me into glue and dog food!” Maybe I’ll just ease my way in and start with the migraines.

4) my wife was talking up her Dr but I just can’t do it, I need a female dr. She assures me he’s old and harmless, but until she was talking him up I didn’t really realize how much I could not be trapped in a room with some guy. I work primarily with men, I’m alone with men all the time, but Nope.

5) my wife has offered up her uterus for another baby. In fact, she’s offered it up 3 more times!! I love her. But she wants to get back to her prepregnancy weight and do a tough mudder first. Which means she’s dieting and working out. My brain does not do that. My brain is screaming at me to STARVE all the time. I was anorexic for 4 years, then bulimic for another 2. I’ve never considered myself “in recovery ” bc j never thought of it like that, but I suppose it’s true. But I feel like at any moment I’m not going to be able to fight it any more and I’ll be right back there. For literal years I lived on saltines and Diet Pepsi. I can’t drink Pepsi anymore bc of aspartame, but when they changed their recipe to aspartame free my first thought was “fuck yes!” I know it would be easy. I know j could get away with it. I know there are people saying “if you have the self control to do that, then you have the self control to diet and/or exercise ” and maybe my problem is worrying what people think? But I can’t do that. I know that about myself, that isn’t how I process. I know I’m rambling, but it just seems the more my wife talks about her fitness life, the more a part of me starts to panic. And she tries to understand what’s going on, but it’s not like I want her to not tell me about her life. I just have to be able to be a normal human without backsliding like 12 years but I don’t have the resources to do that.

H) April is Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. Obviously it means a lot to me. I post things to social media, and plan to continue all month. I try not to do more than a couple a week but I want to keep it out there over the course of the month. I have actually had people ask me “why do you bother” and it makes me want to bleed from the ears. A) I can say whatever the fuck j want on my own social media and 2) BECAUSE IT MATTERS! I work 4 days a week, I would say 4x a week my boss mocks the “me too”movement. And I could staple an explanation to his forehead and then bludgeon him to death with the stapler and he still wouldn’t get it. I wish I worked with better people.

?) my aunt and cousin have long talked about quitting their jobs and opening a bakery, i wish they would I would join them in a heartbeat!!

/) my wife gets up at 4am for work, but I like her so I usually go to bed with her and then lie awake for hours. Luckily she has a sleep mask and I have her headphones so it works out. Tonight I’m actually getting tired though (after 2 hours) so that’s good

%) my friend is making me go over tomorrow for waffles. I tried getting out of it bc of depression but she just promised heavy blankets and coffee and grey’s anatomy so I guess that’s a good friend to have 🙂

I’m also working up the courage to talk with a tattoo artist about my next tattoo which would also be a cover up of self harm scars. My wife got one done and I can tell how much better she feels about herself

Here’s my kid as a reward for either reading or skipping to the end. It feels good to have gotten some things off my chest.