a journey to familyhood

Fuck It

Once more down the rabbit hole.

(One small glitch with the cryobank hopefully to be resolved Tuesday, leaving me anxious until then but also if I’m taking the pills for nothing, it’s not that big of a deal. Then it just wasn’t meant to be.)

Advertisements

24 Hours

Roughly.

That’s the timeline for IUI 4.

I’ve spent the last hour crying while my wife is smiley and optimistic and positive trying to reach a decision.

I want to. She doesn’t.

Yet, somehow, in the last hour we decided to go for it. And now I don’t want to. And she does.

She fell asleep and all I want to do is wake her up and tell her No, it’s off.

If we do it she’ll be resentful of me for wasting money bc we know it won’t work. If we don’t it I’ll be resentful of her for giving up on me.

She says we’ll go back and try again, but I don’t think we will. I told her she’s hogging all the good uterus, we laughed. I’m still crying. Even if we go through with it I feel given up on.

Deciding to try again should be a positive thing, not a negative. I feel like my soul has been put through a wood chipper. I feel like I’m less of a person and never deserve to get pregnant. I don’t know why suddenly all of this is coming down on me, but it’s awful.

My wife signed up for a Tough Mudder in August, so she’d try again starting in September.

Even if I do have a baby for us someday, she’s still the primary uterus. Something she said she’d never do she’s the best at. I’m glad she changed her mind.

I love her. And I love our perfect child. I asked tonight if one perfect child was enough and got a “fuck no!” Before I could even finish my question.

Eventually we plan to do a reciprocal ivf. That was nice to think about.

Maybe sleeping on it will somehow make things clearer.

CD1

We’re still deciding on IUI4. Mostly I want to do it, my wife doesn’t. But also I don’t. But I think I’ll be resentful if we don’t.

Guess we’ll have to decide ASAP.

On happier news, my baby is the cutest fucking thing ever and she started crawling

IUI 3

Negative

1ww

Halfway there. I had my progesterone done today. It was 8.55.

I was bummed to see it so low.

I’ve been doing vaginal suppositories twice a day since Friday. So I continue to do so.

This is lower number yet. Disheartening

IUI #3

In the 2ww. Yesterday went smoothly. My wife and I both managed to take off of work so we got to spend an unexpected day together!

We both wore purple bc I decided it was my lucky color yesterday. And matching hoodies. We have a few matching clothes. Usually just to be a punk I’ll wait for my wife to get dressed and then I’ll go put on the same thing. It drives her crazy. But yesterday she was obsessed with luck and decided we would wear matching lucky hoodies.

Whatever works!

Then we got pho and I took a nap while she and the babe watched 👻busters.

I had some spotting, which I didn’t have the last times. And until about an hour ago,I had a bite mark on my hand from biting down on it instead of crying!

I don’t really want to take a break if this doesn’t work, we haven’t really talked about it. I know we should, but part of me wants to keep going.

I kept asking Rayne if she wanted brothers and she always waves her arms around and squeaks, so I think that’s a “yes”.

My boss, who I finally told about our ttc, is freaking out already bc he knows my goal is to be a stay at home mom. It’s okay, you gots some time! But it was seriously his 1st comment lol

For now though I’ll just try not to think about the tww and enjoy this *7 month old* (omg!)

3 Things

A) This. Baby! 😍. I never realized how much I would love her. She’s just amazing. Is there something magical about 6 months? It seems like instead of a lump of baby, she’s becoming an actual small person.

She does things with purpose, she concentrates, she makes her wants known, she doesn’t just lay there all scrawny and cute. She’s becoming her own individual. And it’s so incredible to watch!

She sleeps up to 14 hours a night (usually 12)(never less than 12). I know that we’ve hit the sleep jackpot with this kid.

She’s eating food. I make it and freeze it in ice cube trays. She usually gets 1-2 cubes at a time. I really love making food for her. My wife has been the sole food provider, she’s still the primary supplier, but now I get to contribute and it feels really good.

We’ve been feeding her off and on for a couple months, but on her schedule. She wasn’t really into it so we didn’t push it. Now she is, so we’re embracing it. Our pediatrician was really pushing for her to be eating a lot more. Even still he is. She’s small, but she’s okay. I wish he’d back off and we’re considering getting rid of him bc of it. Anyway,

I use cream of wheat as a base. And have so far added banana, applesauce, carrot, and peas. She also likes snap pea crisps.

2) Taking a break. If this IUI doesn’t work, we’re taking a break. Hopefully a short one/1 cycle, but we’ll see. If it’s longer, it’s longer. I know it’s only 3 cycles, but I need a break- mentally and physically. Also, we’ll need to save money and pay off other things. Part of me doesn’t want to stop, I just want to beast through it and get pregnant and be done! The more breaks we take obviously the slower to the goal. But I know we have to.

D) I was talking with a friend after the last negative test, just voicing concerns, discussing the money aspect and so forth. One thing we need to do is build a deck with a wheelchair ramp. My mom has said (as recently as today) to not stop ttc in her account. We can always build a deck, we won’t be always able to ttc.

So, as I’m talking to my friend, the very 1st thing she said was “build the deck”.

No, sorry you’re not pregnant. No, gee this must be stressful. No, aaanything. Except , don’t spend your money on baby making, give up and build the deck.

That sucked.